A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, a little about me before i write about my issue. I'm 3 months away from turning 18, I have a boyfriend which have to be kept secret. (I know what you're thinking, im a liar and yes i admit I am but heres why)So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and recently I moved to further my studies to the same country he's in. MY bf and I met in secondary school and we started off from there. Don't get me wrong, he's met my parents and my parents think he's a really person in terms of academics and personality, mostly because we were brought up in a chinese household. The huge contrast is that my parents' think in a very very old cultured way? Like they do not believe that girls can take care of themselves, and another example is like if I stay out late, im gonna get raped. Thats the exact words of my mum. My dad has the same ideology as well. So to sum up what im trying to say is that, they're very accepting to the idea of a boyfriend at my age. Honestly, I wish I could tell them about him. I really do. But everytime we come up to the topic of a boyfriend, I end up getting lectured. A LONG, HARD LECTURE. I know its not right to keep hiding things like that and all. Thing is, I know im young but that doesnt mean i dont have feelings. (I hope you know what I mean) and my parents think like oh youre 17/18 you cant have a boyfriend etc. Honestly, I can tell you is that i put a lot of effort in my school work, it always come first in my life. I get merits and distinction in my tests and homework. I am trying my best to get into the best possible uni. But its just that, when i want to hang out with my boyfriend, its difficult in the sense that i always have to lie. Like i would some bits that are real and go around the truth. Thing is im under my aunt's care and shes liberal with me. She thinks i have a bf but i never admitted to anything. SHe allows to go out but just dont come home late which i dont. She doesn't mind anything tbh. She thinks i need time off from work too which is pretty cool probably because she's lived in the uk for a really really long time so i assume like her perspective is different from my dad's. This weekend its my bf's bday and hes coming into town to visit and i want to celebrate it with him. I know my aunt wouldn't mind me going out but i probably have to tell my dad that im going out and stuff. The problem is like I make sure i get home around 7 or so. The last time i went out and i was actually with friends, it ran late and i reached home at 8, he has a pissed tone at me. He literally whatsapp called me and spoke to me a really angry tone. Im like okayyy 8 is not super late. like honestly. So like i told my bf that i cant get home late and stuff. its so difficult to please both sides. Its like my parents clawing me and my bf wants to have dinner with me. And idk what to do. I know honesty is the best policy but right now honesty ain't gonna change a thing with my dad. What do I do? IM so conflicted. I knwo some of the answers are going to be telling me to be honest and probably say im disrespecting my parents etc. but i hope you all can understand from my view.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 October 2016):
 I'm not saying your parents could change - I doubt they would, but I believe that secrets like this shouldn't be kept. I'm a firm believer that, whilst you are a minor or under someone else's roof, you should follow their rules. A boyfriend isn't necessary, so you can live without until you're able to move out.
I know you'd rather be able to tell them, but it still doesn't excuse lying. If you can't tell them, please consider demoting your relationship to friendship until you can tell them and/or move out. I know it's a culture thing, I'm not saying you can change their views, but you can live by their rules until you can move out. It's better to wait and be trustworthy, than lie and break their trust.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): Im Asian and I have Asian parents. Take it from me honey, OLD Asian people DO NOT change. Please do not think you can tell them and change them or open their minds. Its part of the whole conservative Asian view that is pretty much stagnant til they die off. And PLEASE DO NOT listen to all these western advice that say be honest and yes you can change your parents, they do not have Asian parents, they do not know whatsup.I have crazy Asian parents and the only cure from changing old Asian people is waiting til they die off so that you can train new generations of Asians about love and acceptance. Thats truly the only way to go. On a personal note, Im an Asian American female who has dated diff kinds of men from white to black to mexicans and asians. I am loving and accepting and compassionate and my first love was a Jewish man. Of course my parents would flip if they knew I was dating a non-Asian male but I kept most things a secret. But our love together when alone was beyond anything, we didnt need my parents or society to accept us, we were already so tied together. I think age plays a factor. Wait til your older to move out and seek a better situation where he can be your bf full time. That truly is the only solution, good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): Hi I posted this question... I forgot to include this cuz it happened some time ago. I did try to tell my parents. I told them that I liked this guy (my bf) and he liked me too. My dad completely just shut the topic and lectured me and my mum came in and lectured too. That was when I was15 turning 16. And I suppose that time I can see why they'll restrict me more. But now at 17 since that experience, I guess it also fuelled me to think that it's better not to say anything... But the poster from a Chinese Taiwanese background gets where I'm coming from and I want to thank you for your answer cuz you see where I'm coming from directly. And thank you to other Posters too. I see what you're trying to tell me too.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 October 2016):
 Asian parents can be very very difficult to deal with and it IS a cultural thing. There's not much you can do because no matter how old you get, you'll always be a child to them and that'll never change. Even when you're married with a kid, they'll still tell you to get home early and not stay out late!
They think they know what's best for you, expect you to be high achievers and have stellar jobs. For most parents like this, their child having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a strict no-no. They will always feel that that person isn't good enough for you/out to exploit you/is a distraction from your studies/will get you into trouble. It could be either one or all the variables. Most likely all!
The upside is that you know that they really care for you and want the best for you and isn't that better than having parents who literally don't give a damn? I know it's very irritating now, at the age when you want to explore and have fun like everyone else but as I said, there's nothing you can do. The concept of an "adult" doesn't exist for them.
Telling your parents about your boyfriend won't make things any easier. Just explain the situation to you boyfriend and hope that he understands. Also, you're not disrespecting your parents in any way. You sound like a very mature young lady who's caught in a crossfire between the traditional and the modern.
Hang in there, things will get better when you move to university.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2016): I can cut to the chase on this one. You're barely 18, and they are terrified that you'll get yourself pregnant. Not necessarily raped. You may get yourself into a situation where you could be overpowered by a guy. Depending on where you are and who you're with. You've lived a sheltered life.
There are reports of young women who have been date-raped at several universities here and abroad; so they are not far from right. These girls are ashamed and sometimes do not report it. They bury their shame and try to live with post-traumatic stress caused by sexual-assault. No one wants that to happen to their daughter while she is away and far from their protection, my dear. The wrong guy can be manipulative and violent. Boyfriends don't always behave themselves.
You are not quite the legal age to take responsibility for yourself, and they don't have to be culturally traditional to worry that their young teenage daughter might get pregnant, or be too naive and get played by some older guy.
You're trying to paint the picture that they are unfairly domineering; when they are in-fact the typical protective parents who don't want to see their daughter knocked-up before she finishes her education, or becomes a legal-aged independent adult. Not all women get husbands that take care of them or stick around. They're not stupid!
Yes, there is also a matter of your family honor and the shame brought on the family name by irresponsible behavior. They are over-protective out of love, and yes old-school tradition has a lot to do with it. They have to face the scrutiny and gossip from your family members, grand-parents, and their community; should you suddenly have to give-up your future due to some poor decision you've made concerning a boy. They feel responsible for you because you are so young.
Yes, Asian families are tougher on their daughters; that's because men and society in every culture scrutinizes women and hold them to a different standard. If you are not old enough to make legal decisions for yourself; as your parents, they are held fully accountable and to blame for your reputation and standing within the Chinese community.
You may not be mature or strong enough to bear the pressure of negative public opinion. Which can sometimes be quite cruel and intrusive.
Your lying and deception surely indicates your low regard for their trust. That might make them very angry and hurt to discover you didn't respect their wishes. It can sometimes be dangerous to keep a boyfriend a secret. Family should know any guy connected to your life, and what kind of relationship you have with him. Love can cloud the judgment and you may overlook very serious red-flags. You'll only see what you want to see. You're a young and rebellious young lady in-love. They often do very foolish things for the sake of some guy.
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (12 October 2016):
Living in Chinese and Taiwanese cultures for many years, I can understand your story. Almost every girlfriend I went out with had to lie and sneak around, just to go out with me. One of my exes, who was 27 at the time, (Yep!) would go home early, wait for her parents to fall asleep, and then go out with me very late. So I fully get your story.
Honestly, I suspect your Mom already suspects it, but she doesn't want to know to respect your Dad. That's why your Aunt knows and kids you about it, because they're keeping an eye on your moods, attitude and feelings. Strangely, I've seen this work so well in Chinese cultures, as they really keep track of the emotional needs of a child. Because you're happy, healthy and doing well at school, I suspect they're letting you have a boyfriend. Otherwise, you might find that you'd lose some of your freedoms.
At the same time, I believe they are respecting your father. By keeping the traditional "One eye closed", your mother is not lying to your Dad. In a way, you are being respectful too, in a very normal way shared by millions of traditional girls inside families, in modern internet driven 2016.
Personally, if you want my thoughts, I think it's just fine not tell your father until you are at least 18. That would put you on a well travelled road done by millions of girls every day, so you shouldn't at all feel guilty about it. His wishes were just not at all compatible with modern western society, but I think it's a good thing to be respectful too. If it helps at all, I believe by not telling him, you're also very much being very respectful.
At the same time, if you need to tell someone, ask your aunt if you actually did have a boyfriend, and you admitted telling her, would it get back to her father - not that you have one, LOL. I suspect your aunt will be pretty honest with that question. I'm quite sure she knows already - unless you're some kind of super spy secretive family.
If you feel you have to tell him, then I would start with your aunt and come up with a plan. Maybe she knows a way that's worked in your family before.
My only caveat is if you do break up with your boyfriend in any way, make sure you tell your aunt. Those feelings you should never keep inside, and bad things can happen if you don't get them out. Even if you've never admitted you had one to your aunt before.
When it comes to living with it, I'm reminded of the TV show "House". To paraphrase an episode: One of the Doctors said "I don't think I could ever live with myself if I didn't say anything". House's best friend says "You know it's amazing what you can live with".
Believe it or not I think this will make you a better parent if you have kids. Whether it's making sure this doesn't happen to them, having reasonable, modern society expectations of them, or just making you a stronger person to live with difficulty, your situation will help you grow as a person.
Hope this helps
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 October 2016):
Leave as in break up with your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 October 2016):
I can totally see why you're hiding it - but that's not okay. Three years of lying to your parents and you want them to trust you to be mature enough for a boyfriend. You've disobeyed their fairly reasonable rules. I wouldn't want my child getting a partner until at least 16 and, while your parents may see girls differently and be a bit strict, their intentions are good - yours are not.
OP, I understand you like your boyfriend and that you're nearly a legal adult, but that doesn't excuse you lying for so long. Very few people would still automatically trust their child after that. Whilst you're a minor and/or under their roof, their rules should be stuck to.
I know it's not ideal, but it's not okay to lie and it's a safety issue - if anything happens, police *always* ask if there's a partner and your parents wouldn't know, finding out from a police investigation that you'd lied.
Own up or break up - I know it sounds harsh, but you have to face the consequences of lying. Be mature enough to own up or leave because you're not able to handle it maturely.
Your parents want the best for you - don't take it for granted and lie to them.
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