A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do with my girlfriend anymore. I feel like I'm always failing, even when I don't know why or what I did wrong. I picked her up from work the other night with a bouquet of flowers, trying to be sweet. We went back to my place and relaxed for a while. Recently, a friend of mine has been kind of an ass so we were somewhat on bad terms, and my girlfriends response was to side with him on the matter, which really caught me off guard. It didn't piss me off or make me lash out in any way, but it did sting a little. Because I always side with her no matter what - she's my girl. Anyway, I got a little silent for a while, just kind of relaxing and regrouping. I was just calming down. Next thing I know, she's mad at me for being upset. She says I don't allow her to share her opinions and that she can't communicate with me. Apparently, according to her, I had no right to get upset. Apparently I'm not allowed to ever be hurt by anything she does? I don't get it. If I said something to upset her, I'd never hear the end of it. And more importantly, if I hurt her, I'd sincerely apologize. But since she hurt me, suddenly I'M at fault. It's my fault for being hurt.So basically, it's my fault if I ever hurt her, yet it's also my fault if I get hurt by her. I can never win. Why does she to this? Am I really to blame for this? Is it really my fault and that I shouldn't ever get upset? I never stay upset. I brush it off about 20 minutes later. So it's not like I stay upset at her. This is certainly not the first time this has ever happened. She has said some things that have hurt me before and when I expressed hurt feelings, she told me I was to blame for over reacting and not allowing her to communicate.What do I do? Learn to never express my hurt? I am at a loss.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (23 August 2014):
I think you need to expand on what she does that upsets you. In the situation you wrote about, I don't think you should expect her to automatically agree with you just because she is your girlfriend. Nor should you always side with her - you are your own people. So in that situation she is right - you are not allowing her to communicate her own opinion and she certainly doesn't owe you an apology. You should be able to have a difference of opinion without it causing an argument. And giving her the silent treatment while you 'cool down' is immature and would piss me off too.
If you could give us more information on other arguments between you then that would be really helpful, but I'm afraid that based on what you've written, it seems like you are expecting too much and acting childish when you don't get it.
PS - what have the flowers got to do with anything? They are a nice gesture for sure, but they don't have anything to do with the argument afterwards...
A
female
reader, Lonely 81  +, writes (23 August 2014):
Sorry, I forgot to say Please Don't Hide Your Feelings. The old " I am a man and I Don't feel stuff" gets really old!!! Our feelings and emotions are symptoms that something going on. Just like the pain you would feel if you broke your arm, the pain is a strong signal that something is very wrong and you need to do something about it NOW!
Even if you did learn to never show your emotions they would still come out, and instead of being honest they would end up being explosive and misdirected.
Like I said in the other post, if you are not happy with her response, tell her what you need. Make it clear, give her the choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): Let me explain the unexplainable. Guys are supposed to suppress our feelings and be tough enough to take anything.
Many women are brought up as girls to believe they are victims of the masculine gender. That we are natural bullies and try to muscle are way through everything. Always thinking we're the boss. The sad part is, it's true. Their fathers, and grandfathers reinforce all the stereotypes. So naturally, they come preconditioned into their relationships. Not to mention all the previous bad choices and list of knuckle-heads that came before you.
Secondly, they receive more negative-reinforcement through social media and the press, always portraying males as promiscuous, commitment-phobic, cheaters, and cads. Even though this characterization is exaggerated and sexist; a few hurt women pass this on to their daughters as typical male behavior. Therefore; women can do no wrong and if they do, it's our fault! Get it?
I'm very protective of the women in my life. Not because they are frail. Being a gay men, I know their sensitivities, and strengths, and I grew-up in a large family with one older-sister, younger sisters, brothers, an Alpha-female mom, and dominant grandmother. My mom was a stay-at-home mother, very Catholic, and an undercover feminist. She was really smart, skipped two grades in Catholic school; and graduated honors at 16. She always made my dad feel like head of the household; but we all knew that wasn't true. He was the only one who didn't. I heard her once telling my older-sister,"if you want a man to do what you want him to do, plant the idea in his head, then forget about it. Make him think it was his idea!" BUSTED!!! My sweet angelic sainted mama? Oh no she didn't!!!
Your girlfriend uses reversed-psychology on you to make you feel guilty for showing displeasure in her behavior; but gives you sh*t for the least little mistake. She behaves like you're a villainous chauvinistic misogynist bastard mama's-boy; if you just once call her on anything she does wrong. Its pure female-manipulation, and sexist supremacy. You aren't supposed to be angry when she f*cks up. It can't hurt you, if you're really tough. That is the implication behind this madness. "I'm just a girl. If you had real balls, nothing I do can hurt you!" BULLSHIT!!!
If she says or does things to offend you. Tell her then and there. Don't pout. Pouting is childish, and I agree with her that it's annoying. If you've got something to say, say it.
Don't sit with a freaking attitude boiling over like a pot left on the stove. Tell her what she did that pissed you off. Then don't say another word. She'll go into her usual little girly-girl picked-on act. Tell her to drop it. You didn't like what she did or said. All you want is an apology, and it's all done as far as you're concerned. That will shock her. This takes practice, and you have to be consistent. That's how she "trained you," by consistency.
You've been using passive-aggressive behavior to make a point without words. The male silent-treatment. Pouting.
It's just as bad as aggressive behavior. It's better to be honest and face her reaction; than to cower and pout to avoid a bitch-fit. Bitch-fits are another form of manipulation. Most males are allergic to them, and nature placed a gene in us to lower testosterone levels when they cry and become emotional. So they instinctively know how to get us to back-down. We instinctively respond to it. That is for their protection; because we are physically stronger. That's not so true anymore, since they're going to the gym in record numbers; and taking up kick-boxing and power-lifting. Evolution seems to be making them stronger anyway.
You are at a loss, because you don't face-up to her bad behavior; because she has you slightly whipped. She will use sex as a weapon, pull-away when you touch her, be cold and distant to make you pay for pissing her off. You have to learn to tell her that's acting like a spoiled little girl. It used to work, but it doesn't anymore. You'll be the adult and leave her alone and maybe talk about it, not bitch, but talk about it; when she comes around.
Then leave her alone. Don't sit there with an attitude, not saying anything. While she pleads and begs what she did wrong. That's the mistake you've been making all this time. She doesn't hesitate to give your a long list and diatribe of everything you do, and have done, that pisses her off.
In an argument, she'll still hold you accountable for things you apologized for three years ago; just to build a stronger case against you. You think you're a hotshot; just because you have the dick and the balls. Penis-envy.
You sit there like a little boy, while mommy is giving you a scolding. Ask her to please stop. Repeatedly. Please talk to you when she's not angry and you'll listen. If she ignores you. Leave the room. Practice not to yell back.
When we yell, they know they've pushed the right buttons.
We really shouldn't yell anyway. Way too aggressive and too much rage. Take it out in the gym. Go sit in the car and scream...one of my own favorite practices.
If she follows you around yelling; tell her that is aggressive behavior; meant to be abusive. It is provocative behavior meant to force you to show aggression. Not today!
She'll stare at you in amazement! Tell her she is a hypocrite, and does and says hurtful things and gives you hell all about it when you do it. Either it will stop, or you will go away and not comeback. Never give ultimatums you don't intend to carry through. She'll call your bluff.
One more word and you're leaving the house. Once she is quiet, tell her you promise to talk it out later. Just promise not to turn it into an argument. Say you're sorry you pissed her off, but she pissed you off too. Then go do whatever you want to. Play a video game and anything to cool off; while giving her a time-out. That's how you undo a manipulator.
The truth is, you both may be acting immature with each other. Try to be straight-forward and calm. Don't try to use bitch-fits. That doesn't work for men. It makes women cringe. We have to be more logical and honest. Avoid pouting. They use emotion to emphasize a point. They do it better. We use emotion to comfort them, and to prove we are human.
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A
female
reader, Lonely 81 +, writes (23 August 2014):
I am with chigirl in saying that it takes 2 to tango but I have seen the basics of your argument play out heaps of times in my relationship. No one wants to take the blame & really, should a relationship even be about that?
Your question has left me with a few questions of my own like, it is all good and well to bring flowers when you pick her up but does that make her feel loved? Have you asked her, or are you just guessing? Does the fact that you brought her flowers mean she must agree with you? It is all good and well that you back her 100 percent but shouldn't you have the right to have your own opinion? Even if you have given up the right to have an opinion does that mean she should? Has she always said what she thought? If she has, wasn't that something you fell in love with? Was there any truth in what she said???? There are a lot of things here to ???
If I was you, I would speak to her. Ask her for what you need and explain why. If you Need her to back you on this, tell her. Give her the choice. Don't just sit there with a cross look on your face. In a way, you are punishing her for speaking her truth. Is that what you want to do?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2014):
 Im sorry, but the way I read your text you come off as a self pitying drama queen. Maybe Im wrong. Probably I am wrong, because a text can only say so much. But sheezes dude, were supposed to believe you are not at fault in anything that happens or in anything you and her argue about, and that somehow she blames you for everything? Come on. It takes two to tango. If you and her are arguing then YOU are part of it.
You didn't say anything about why you argued with your friend, or why she took his side. Maybe you are shamed? But leaving out information like this screams to me "I dont want to give out details because everyone will probably side with my girlfriend, and I refuse to take ANY responsibility, so pity me!".
Look, just because she's your girlfriend doesn't mean she needs to agree with you on everything!!! If you're so hurt by this, and you don't even want to be honest and upfront with us about what the argument was about to begin with, yet you still manage to focus on how "sweet" you are to her all the time.. even when completely irrelevant to the story... Well, you don't leave me any choice. Im going to have to say you ARE in fact a drama queen who feels sorry for himself all the time.
There is a big difference between FEELING like you are under attack all the time (self pitying) and actually being under attack all the time.
If you actually ARE under attack all the time, then end the relationship. Don't come on here crying for pity. Just end it. Seems like you don't want to end things, you just want to win an argument and "beat" your girlfriend at something. Which is immature and serves no purpose.
So, either end it, or start to take your fair share of the responsibility for the arguments you and her have.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 August 2014):
 An age old dilema for sure, Men are not supposed to have feelings BUT when they don't express how they "feel" women go crazy. If we do express them, we're insensitive or selfish. Good luck y friend. It's a mysterywrapped in a puzzel. Yeah best to hold it all in and deny your yourself a venting process. On the other hand when she eeds to 'share' remember to act all caring an sympathtic. Life will be easier that way.
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