A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I feel so helpless to my boyfriend who ive been with for almost 6 months. He has a child at the age of almost 7 months and in he past relationship for 3 years his ex was quite physically abusive and nasty. She has still been doing it since they broke up in march. She recently found out he was with someone else and stopped him from seeing his daughter. Only this week has she started being nicer and let him see his daughter again and today she had hit him again. He feels he doesnt want to be nasty so he wont call the police. Me and his mother have advised him too otherwise this is never going to stop. She finds every reason for an argument and if there is no reason she will make one. She is also saying she has got with someone else just because he has. I really dont know what to do but things cant carry on like this. Thankyou x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): Your boyfriend has a passive nature. If he really cared about his child, he'd do something to make his baby's mama less belligerent; and make his visitation with his kid less confrontational. It is up to him to handle it. Not you.
I'd say you picked the wrong guy to begin with. You're way too young to have the slightest idea how to deal with this kind of situation.
I think everyone has missed the fact that he too is probably a teenager, and not very experienced with dealing with this kind of stuff. He'll learn the hard-way what being an under-aged father is all about. My guess is he's making excuses not to have to see his kid; or deal with either of them.
You are a little too concerned about this. It really has nothing to do with you, and it's none of your business.
He has to learn to stand-up to the baby-mama drama, and be a man. She is angry because she probably got pregnant on purpose thinking it would keep him, he may have even encouraged her to do it. Now he just comes to visit the kid now and then. He can't contribute very much to the child's care; or pay any of the cost for diapers, formula, clothing, and other things a baby needs.
She is frustrated. He has abandoned them both as far as she is concerned. She might even be going through some postpartum depression. It makes new mothers do crazy things.
He can date whenever he likes; but she has to find a sitter. She's lactating, and has to nurse the baby, or use a milk pump. She's probably only a kid herself, and she's up all night with her baby. You would probably want to rip his head off too if it were you!
She is pissed off as hell; because she is stuck with caring for an infant; while he's out having a good-time with his "new" girlfriend. She's all alone and furious. He makes her sound like a monster to you, but you are biased. You only see one side of this issue. She doesn't know how to deal with this.
She feels like she's the only one paying for their unplanned pregnancy. I never refer to any child as a mistake. The parents had choices and options to avoid pregnancy. A child is the "natural result" of unprotected-sex/intercourse. Not dehumanized down to a mistake.
He doesn't do anything, because he knows he is partially to blame. Not to mention they are going to be connected by a child from now on. If he does too much back at her, she will pressure him for money. She can make his life hell from now until the child is too old for child-support.
Also remember she has parents, possibly an older brother,
and people on her side who might gang-up on him if he doesn't stay chilled. He shouldn't be aggressive toward her anyway. She just went through nine-months of carrying a baby, child-birth, and now you're in the picture.
She is jealous out of her mind. If he had balls, he'd file a legal complaint for domestic-violence. Or they could go to counseling. That would calm her down considerably. If he is being truthful, and not just making it all up to avoid seeing her and his baby.
Meanwhile, you and his mom should stay out of their business, and let them deal with it. The more she knows you two are meddling, the more furious she becomes. She will find ways to get back at both of you for egging him on.
Put yourself in her shoes. Not the alleged violence part; but the part where she's stuck with a kid in her teens while her boyfriend has a new girlfriend, and can't financially support the child he stuck her with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): OP why is this all "she, she, she". This is your boyfriend's problem not yours and it's up to him to deal with it. The options he has he won't utilise so this is not all down to her, his lack of action and inability to stand up to her are what enable her to treat him this way.
There's nothing for you to do nor that you can do. She'll keep walking all over him for as long as he allows her to.
So while you're so focussed on how bad she is you're kind of missing the big picture here, if she's that bad why is he allowing her to do that stuff?
You have to understand she'll always be a part of the equation and what kind of effect she has on your relationship is down to your boyfriend. Not only is it his duty to protect your relationship from her influence he doesn't get mope and moan about her and not do anything about it.
OP the UK has very good protective mechanisms in place for victims of domestic abuse and he's chosen to pursue none of them even though a violent woman may also be a threat to his kid and she's shown she's perfectly happy to use that kid as a weapon too.
Your boyfriend isn't a victim to be pitied, he's a man that won't stand up for himself or his kid. You're young but surely you're not that much of a sucker that you'd allow him to play the pity card when he's a father that has responsibilities to live up to that he isn't.
Have you even seen her hit him or are you just taking his word for it?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 August 2014):
 This is really between your B/F and this girl, who you describe. WHY take his travails upon yourself?
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Lonely 81  +, writes (23 August 2014):
Physically abusive people are hard to deal with. They tend to have a mountain of excuses, and very rarely change. They don't tend to discriminate either. If she is willing to hit a full grown man she won't think twice with a child. Your boyfriend needs to think of the child. I am not sure of the laws there but the first step here would be to involve the police. In the very least these attacks should be documented.
There is a simple way to stop him getting attacked for now, he should only have contact with her if there is someone eles with him. Also, a court order regarding visitations. That way she can't use the child hurt him either.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (23 August 2014):
 Too much drama for someone as young as you. They broke up 6 months ago, which means you got together within rebound time.
You're dating a young father and someone who has cheated in the recent past. It's not worth the drama. If you get frustrated with it, it's tough, unfortunately - it's your boyfriend's life and it won't change any time soon, I'm afraid.
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