A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im not sure what I am asking, but I guess Im wondering if this is acceptable behaviour or not. When I asked my boyfriend today if he could do me a favour, he replied not right now. I said it needed to be done right away, and he just said he couldn't do it right now but "in a minute". And he was busy playing computer games, which in my experience "a minute" can be anything from an actual minute to half an hour or so. And, as it needed to be done right away, I had to put down what I was doing and go do it myself. Seems plain enough to me, really, and I was annoyed that he couldn't have stepped up from his computer and just done it. But I came back and didn't say anything at all, just continued with my business. Then he gets upset at me for being irritated. Mind you, I have said nothing at all to him, and he was still playing computer games when I came back so no words were exchanged. He just knows I am irritated because he didn't jump up and do the favour. Because he didn't think it had to be done right away, and so he gets mad because I am irritated.He gets so angry and upset that he starts to shout at me and clench his fists and walks out the door. I told him that of course I will get annoyed, but that there was no need to start an argument over it and that he just needs to accept that I feel this way. My way of sorting this out is to just carry on with my business until the annoyance fades away! You choose your battles, in my opinion, and while it annoyed me, I didn't want to start an argument over it! But he just refused to let it slide, and blamed me for the entire thing, and blamed me for making him feel angry and upset, saying I drive him mad and that I "flip" over small things etc. So I guess Im just asking.... Am I wrong to get annoyed? I always maintained that people had the right to feel what they feel, it's whether you act on it or not that is the problems. Also, I believe not all disagreements need to be argued about, some just need to be accepted.He gets angry and annoyed with me too, from time to time! And when that happens, he always just leaves the room and refuses to talk to me and actually makes a deal out of it, freezing me out or just turning his back to me. Like, we can be in the middle of sex and I will say something that annoys him, and he will turn away from me or just walk out of the room! One time I smiled at him, and he got upset with me over it because he read it as me laughing at him! Im just trying to wrap my head around this and figure out what is going on here. Am I completely missing the point, or is he being over dramatic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2016): Well, I finally got the details and confirmation I needed.
As I initially thought, this isn't about favors or pet-care. This is about a relationship in trouble. You're going to couple's therapy. He isn't interested, and the dog isn't really the issue. My dear, he just lost energy in trying to make the relationship work, and you're the only one making the effort.
I got to the meat of the matter from the very start, and I'm not buying that this all boils down to the lack of responsibility for caring for a dog. I still refuse to place childcare and pet-care in the same category; or even near each other in any way or fashion. Caring for a child is a higher responsibility, and not caring as much for a pet isn't the same as not caring for a child. A child has intelligence, can reason, and a pet lives on instinct. If you neglect a pet, you are a bad pet-owner. If you neglect a child, you're a criminal. I don't think people who aren't good with animals proves they're bad with people. I have very low regard for people who place animals above fellow human beings. I think they've got mental issues that require serious therapy and treatment. You should be kind to all creatures and nature; especially to other people.
That's our moral responsibility, period!
No one really knows what kind of parent they will be until they are faced with that responsibility. Many thought they could until they faced the reality of it, and couldn't. Some have feared it, avoided it, delayed it; and turned out to be the best.
Your boyfriend is exhausted with being with you. He doesn't care about the couple's therapy, and he may have wanted the dog at first; but it turned out to be just another reason for fights, nagging, and disagreements.
It's time to end the relationship and move on. I'm sorry, but the problem isn't the dog, nor your boyfriend. It's you trying to hold on to a dead or dying relationship. He gave-up trying; and retreats into his gaming to getaway from you, and your exhausting relationship.
He's tired of trying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question* I meant therapy session, not lesson.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTherapy stopped because we didn't like the therapist we were placed with. There was an option to go to another therapist for a free lesson, in case the first one didn't work out. I suggested we did this, he said fine... but never wanted to set a date to do it. I got a feeling he didn't actually want it. He made up reasons for why we shouldn't, and I don't know if he was aware or not, but excuses like "it's been too long since the last therapy sessions, no point in doing another session now" etc.
Im thinking ahead, which is why I brought up the kid-thing. Im not planning kids with him, but in order to have a future with someone, and to stay in a relationship, I need to be able to see it working out for the long-run. And in this case I don't see it working out.
It's not like he just suddenly became this uninterested/tired either. He was always like this. I remember the early days when we were just dating, and he wouldn't talk to me when I came over. I thought he was angry for some reason, or that something had happened. But no, it's just the way he is. And I tried to get used to it, but seems like I can't.
When we talk about this, he will say whatever anyone in his shoes would say. That it's not me, it's him, he is just tired, he's not upset, he just gets very tired from work, he needs to rest and not talk for a while after he comes home. Then I tried to not talk to him when he comes home, and what happens is that he gets upset that Im not welcoming him home, or asks if I am angry... I dunno, nothing I try changes things. And he didn't get more energetic after a while of being home either, he's just as tired for the entire evening.
Like that day when I asked him about the dog, I had left him alone and barely talked to him for the entire day, and it was a day off so he shouldn't have been too tired to talk to me, yet he didn't.
It's just dawned on me that we are too different, and our relationship becomes too complicated.
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reader, fishdish  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 Sounds like couples therapy stopped? Why is that?
It sounds to me like he is giving as little as possible at this point and for whatever is drained by your relationship. Depending on how long this behavior has been going on, and how much he is "on notice" about it still being unacceptable, I would conclude it.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2016):
 Ah but then it's different- the dog's pee is just the tip of the iceberg. The real problem is not that he does not take enough care of the dog, it's that he does not take enough care of your relationship. He is not putting his energy into it, in fact he is withdrawing it , to pour it into other stuff ( like computer games ) that do not require your presence and involvement, in fact sort of shield him from it.
He does not talk to you, he does not walk with you ( and that you have to ask him , when he knows that's what your counselor suggested to fix things, is not a good sign ), he does not handle your conflicts but by turning his back and leaving, he does not share the care of the puppy you got together,...it's like he is inching away from your relationship. Maybe that's precisely because of sheer physical tiredness (... where does it come from , btw ? Overwork ? Ill health ? Depression ? ) but maybe not, or not totally. It sounds as if being in a relationship feels like WORK to him, and he resents you from wanting very normal stuff, like a bit of conversation at meal because it feels like a duty to him, not a pleasure.
What does the therapy counselor say ? What does your boyfriend say ? Is he aware that your relational needs for attention , companionship and communication aren't being met atm, and what is he willing to do - if he is willing to do anything- to solve / modify the issue ?... What's his explanation of the relational impasse you are in ?
In your circumstances,though, having kids would be the last thought and the last worry in my mind. It's not that you should not have kids together because he is too lazy or too irresponsible, - it's that you should not think of kids as a possibility until your relationship changes noticeably from its actual mode in which you are a bit like a sensible, efficient , long suffering ( and yes, somewhat passive aggressive too ! ) mom , and he is your aloof, rebellious teen kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, but I don't understand what you mean by it's not comparable. A dog is less responsibility than a child, we can all agree on that. So if he does not want to put effort into the dog, which demands little compared to a child, how can you say that he would in fact put priority into the child? And I did write before, the dog was originally ours together, but he ended up just being my responsibility. We both wanted a dog. And when we went to see the puppy he was all "can we take it with us now, right away". If he was faking it, then he is a good liar. Perhaps he said ok just to make me happy, but that can't be put on me. Im not responsible for his bad judgment. If he couldn't handle the dog, he could just tell me so. I had arguments with him about him contributing so little, where he just denied it and claimed that he did his part and that I over react...!
Other things that have been worrying me is that he is always lacking energy. We went to couples therapy a few times, and one thing we were supposed to do was take daily walks together. But then every time I asked for us to take a walk (and this was even before we got the dog) he would be saying he was too tired. I mean we could sit down for dinner and he wouldn't even speak to me, because he said he was too tired for talking. Which is why we started going for walks, which worked for a while, but then he more and more often would tell me he was too tired. And then I just stopped asking, because it takes the fun out of everything when he just complains and moans.
I am really scared that if I stayed, and if we had kids, he wouldn't contribute. If he's too tired to even talk to me, I don't see how his energy would suddenly rise just because there's a kid in the picture. On the contrary, everyone keeps telling me you have no idea what tired is until you have a kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2016): You can't compare having children to owning pets. They are not the same, although some weirdo fanatics attempt to place such totally different responsibilities in the same category. The only thing they have in-common is; they both need love and care, and depend on on us.
You never answered who's original idea it was to get a pet? If the dog is an inconvenience; unlike a child, you find a new home for it. Your boyfriend is a gamer, if you're not happy with being with a gamer; then you find a new home for your boyfriend, and find someone more into you. House-training is an around-the-clock process. If he was into gaming before you got a dog, you know he wouldn't break from that to take a dog out. He submitted to having a pet to make you happy. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other, according to all you've written.
If you're a dog-lover, and insisted on having a pet. Don't expect others to share equal enthusiasm. He may have agreed to having a dog; only because you wanted one. If he's into the nerdy-pleasure of gaming, this hobby is perpetual and goes on persistently for hours. He apparently puts gaming ahead of pet ownership. You should have had an idea about how he feels about animals, if you've been with him for any length of time.
I truly do not believe this is all about a dog peeing on the floor. It's your need of his attention, and feeling you are a priority. You're projecting this onto your pet; but you feel more neglected and ignored. Simply because your childish boyfriend is more into playing his computer-games.
Don't you feel it's time you had a sit-down, and talked about your feelings and needs? Rather than letting a dog be the reason you're disappointed, and worried your boyfriend will be a lousy father? Sounds like a lousy immature boyfriend to me.
Giving him benefit of the doubt, his gaming hobby was there long before you got a dog. If he had a child in the house, I don't think the law would allow him to be a neglectful parent. Nor do I think he would ignore a child's needs over a game. The comparison makes no sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, but last time I waited for bf to get the dog, it went on to pee on the floor. He cleaned it up, but the entire point of house training the dog is then lost. And it sets back the training. I just imagine, we cant even agree on training the dog, bringing up children would probably be a mess and a bunch of arguing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): Had a similar thing happen to me once I was carrying a load of stuff down the stairs I saw the cat was about to throw up so I yelled at my boyf who was in other room, 'quick open the door! '.He replied 'in a minute ' as he was playing on his I pad. The 'minute' was too long. So he just cleaned up the puke after,not me lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you point out the obvious.. yes, we need to invest time in training the dog, which is what I do, but my partner doesn't. The dog is young and we are in the middle of house training it. This means taking him out when he gives a signal that he needs to go out! He just learned to give us a signal, and my partner didn't notice because he was busy with computer games and has head phones on so don't see or hear anything. And after having trained and dealt with the dog all day, I figured it was his turn. And yes, the dog is our mutual responsibility. But I have given up trying to share it 50-50, it has become my job, because I just don't want to keep arguing over it. I have told him he needs to contribute more, or we can't carry on a relationship.
I can go on and on about this, but there is no point. He helps out with other things around the house, sure, but it's these important things like sharing responsibility for something. I can't live just hoping he will help out. I don't need him to clean the floors every other week, or cook dinner for me, or give me massages. I can survive with doing my own stuff and have a little dust flying around. But I imagine if we have kids, a kid CAN NOT survive being left unwatched, or not have the diaper changed etc. These things, just like taking the dog out when house training, needs to be done right away and not left waiting.
Im just worried if we had kids, I would end up with all the responsibility and having to watch the kids all the time and change all the diapers and do all these things, because my boyfriend just puts on his head phones and looks at his computer screen. He told me it would be different if we had kids, but I don't know. I have a feeling either you are a responsible person who does these types of jobs without having to be asked, or you aren't.
Either way, this wasn't really what I asked, I guess things just pile on top of each other.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 If the dog was about to do the toilet in the house, then you both need to invest time training the dog. It is not fair to buy a dog if you are not going to train it. If it is both of your dog and he is not sharing responsibility then I can see why that would be frustrating. Maybe the dog might need to go to another home if you are unable to look after him by yourself.
If computer games annoy you and he likes them well then either you need to accept that or else find someone else. As harsh as that sounds, it is his hobby and as frustrating as it is for you if he is not showing you enough attention trying to get negative attention will only make things worse. You need to really think is this the guy you want to be with, because you cannot change who he is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Is it his dog or yours? If the dog is causing problems in your relationship; find him a new home where he will not be an inconvenience. Sounds like he needs house-breaking training.
If your boyfriend and his gaming is getting on your nerves, and he's been a persistent pain in the ass; then perhaps it is time for your boyfriend to find a new home. He has retreated to his gaming; because he no longer finds fulfillment in being in a relationship. So it seems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe dog was about to take a piss on the floor. I asked if he could take him out. I was in the middle of baking a cake. He had been playing all day (it was a holyday) and I had taken the dog out the whole day,he didnt do anything with it. I guess I was mostly annoyed because 1. I cant stand computer games being placed above real life and 2. We have had an argument about him not contributing with the dog for months already.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (6 May 2016):
Can you tell us what you wanted done and had to be done in that one minute?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): It seems you like to play the passive-aggressive in your relationship.
No one really into gaming likes to stop in the middle of it "to do something for someone." Unless it was some sort of emergency. You didn't describe it as such.
If you wanted attention, you should have come right-out with it. You didn't say anything, but instead you gave off heat like a lit wood-stove. Seething without a word; which he knows instinctively will be acted-out in some other fashion. No words, just passive-aggressive behavior.
If you ended up doing it yourself. You only proved to him it was no real emergency. It was just a demand for attention.
Yes, you're missing the point. He's annoyed with your passive-aggressive behavior, and subtle ways of picking fights when you won't be honest and just let him know you need some attention. You even do this during sex?
Do some introspection, and maybe you'll understand where he's coming from. Making the fists was pure frustration; from a long time of enduring this passive-aggressive behavior. He had no intention of hurting you, and you know it.
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reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 You've heard the saying 'the best defense is a good offense'? Well, your boyfriend's behaviour is s classic example. 'Ignore what I do and focus only on how I feel' is the message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): I prefer what aunt honesty says. It is not a good idea to try and prove to yourself that he will not prioritise you in this way. If you were ill in hospital and he could not tear himself from his game enough to visit...that would be bad. This is just someone being asked to disengage from a game "now". Perhaps it is you who is bored with the relationship. If all he does is gaming that is boring. Have a think about what you want. You may be too different. You will know what to do when the time is right. Don't over think or create dramas, just be true to your own feelings. If you would like more one to one attention or to do more together why not just say so openly instead of "making a point" using provocation?
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reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 May 2016):
I think you are being over dramatic, what stopped you from getting up from your chair and just doing what you needed to do when you saw he was in the middle of playing a game? Fair enough asking him a favor if he is doing nothing but he was in the middle of something, yes you have the right to feel the way you do, but so does he.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): Of course you have the right to feel what you feel. If that's how he handles conflict, is that how you want to live?
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 May 2016):
 At this point it's not about figuring out who's right, who's wrong. I don't think he's into this relationship anymore. When everything irritates him, it's just not working. Or, his behavior is an accumulation of frustration in his life and he's probably taking it out on you. You can't every do or so say anything right. You are not even allowed to be happy because misery needs company. Computer games may be his escape. You ever heard, when you want to talk to a man, make sure he's not doing anything, tv is on commercials, make sure he is calm and would not be interrupted? Stuff like that could be written by men who want to be in control all the time while women are just accessories, tip toeing around them in order not to disrupt a man's need to focus on one task. Or when something goes wrong in his life, it's the woman's fault.
Whatever his issue is, his behavior is not acceptable. He needs to learn how to deal with his emotional stuff without pushing it all on you. My son is 10 and I am already teaching him this. "Can't help it!" is not an excuse. He's not allowed to think that his bad mood is contributed by someone innocent.
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