A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been seeing this girl for around 1 month and a half. We are both 19 and Last week i stayed over at hers and everything is fine and we stayed in her room in her bed.She is due to come over and stay at mine but she will be sleeping in the spare room as my parents don't like this sort of business, they were brought up this way. She is really annoyed and keeps saying stuff like it's stupid and constantly hates the idea of this.I know my parents wont change their minds on this and my girlfriend is very annoyed by this.I just don't know what to say about this. MY girlfriend has already said she knows she won't get on wit my parents due to she thinking they over control me.What should i say? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 When I was 19 I brought my then boyfriend home from college...
my mother's rules were simple "as long as when I wake up everyone is in their own beds I'm happy" so we knew to keep it discreet. Mom knew but she did not want it thrown in her face. This happened nearly FORTY YEARS ago and I remember it like yesterday. It was very ADVANCED thinking in the 70s for parents.
AT HIS parents house we slept in separate rooms and did not visit during the night. We lived together at college but we respected the rules of the home we were in.
IF your GF can't respect the rules then I would not take her to visit. THEIR RULES their house
I smoke cannabis for medical reasons. My grown son owns his own home and does not agree with this so when I visit HIS HOME I respect HIS rules and do not bring cannabis to his home. When he is in my home he does not say anything.
The OWNER of the home gets to make the rules.
I think until your GF matures she should not be invited to sleep at your parents house as has been suggested. It's not worth the fight you two will have to have when she attempts to disrespect your parents.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 It's not them over controlling you. it's your parents' home and its their rights to lay down the law within their home. If they see fit for her to sleep in the spare room (which I 100% agree with by the way) then that's what she will have to do, otherwise, she can stay her ass at home (to put it quite blunt). Stand up to this girlfriend of yours and TELL her that this is how it's going to be or the sleepover is cancelled. Hell, at least your parents are allowing her to spend the night. Sine seeing they're old school, that in and of itself is a privilege not to be abused.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Sorry, but your parents have a right to set the rules in their home. If they don't want a couple of dating teenagers sharing one bed in their home; they are in the company of about 90% of most other parents!
In all honesty, you should suggest she stop referring to your parent's rules(or anything about them)as "stupid". You should always insist that people show you, and your parents, respect. Regardless of how they feel about their/your values.
Be a man and standup for your folks!
Man-up and insist that while in your parents home; she shows them the same courtesy she expects you to show hers.
If she can't honor your folks, you're dating the wrong girl.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 you have been seeing her for a mere six weeks, so 40 or 50 days, and her parents are okay with her and you sharing a bed in their house already?
Nope. Nope, nope, nope, just nope!
Now tell your spoilt brat of a girlfriend it doesn't matter if she thinks its stupid and hates the idea, because if she accepts your parents invitation to stay at their house you expect her to act maturely and respect them in their own home.
Personally I think she sounds like a little madam whose parents have neglected to teach her the common courtesies, so remember to always wear condoms when having sex, one slip up and a pregnancy could mean having her hanging around your neck like a big rock for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Tell her she should show respect for your parents, they are kind enough to allow her to come over and stay the night, if they don't want you to share a bedroom then that is their choice in their home. She sounds like a spoilt brat who is spitting her dummy because she cannot get her own way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): My parents told me that until a relationship was serious and established, with some kind of commitment, they did not want me sleeping with anyone in the family home. The simple reason was that relationships come and go and they did not want my childhood home and refuge tainted with any unhappy memories. Fair enough!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 May 2016):
 I agree, cancel the sleepover.
She is more focused on getting her way, than showing respect for your family. Doesn't matter if she agrees with your parents or not, she needs to be able to understand that NOT everything thinks like she does.
And yes, if you keep dating this girl, condom condom condom......
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 May 2016):
OP I've just read Janniepeg's answer and one sentence jumped out at me:
'I think it's hard to get along with a girl who is so strong headed that she puts more priority on freedom, choice, independence over family harmony and connection'
I can't emphasise enough how true this is. This describes my ex to a T and although I've never quite been able to articulate it properly until now (thank you Janniepeg), I'd say that most of the issues of our relationship were due to that mindset.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (5 May 2016):
I think you should tell her not to come over because in my opinion she's being completely out of line. They have invited her to be a guest in their house under terms they are comfortable with and she's acting like a spoiled brat. It's only one night for heavens sake!
While your parents may know you two are having sex, they are well within their right to not want it happen in the room next to theirs. I'm 30 and my parents would still be uncomfortable with this if I'd only been with a man for a month and a half (not that I still live at home but you know what I mean).
To be honest, I think this says a lot about her character. She's clearly not willing to make the effort to get along with your parents which is a red flag in my opinion. You may not agree with that part but at the very least I think you should tell her to get over herself and start acting like an adult rather than a stroppy child.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 "You don't get on with my parents, you don't get on with me."
Parents who are that liberal to let a one month old boyfriend sleep in the same bed with their daughter, are rare. So this is not about control. Your parents' house, their rules. It's a new relationship. It's very reasonable that she stays in a different room.
She can argue that she's legally an adult so she can do whatever she wants. My definition of adult is someone who can afford their own housing. Being adult also means understanding that people can grow up in different backgrounds. She doesn't have to like it but at least she should respect differing opinions and decisions. Just because her parents, and some other parents are lax about this issue, doesn't mean your parents have to be pressured to change their rules. This is not about controlling your life, but setting boundaries that are important for your emotional well being and your maturity.
I think it's hard to get along with a girl who is so strong headed that she puts more priority on freedom, choice, independence over family harmony and connection. It's been one month and she already shows that she won't respect your parents because of this. I am certain your parents want a daughter in law who can attend family functions without causing conflict. I don't think your girlfriend can handle it. Her parents must have trusted (maybe blindly) her so much that they let you sleep in the same bed. Maybe rules don't exist in their household. I still believe they should make her aware what the norm and standard is, so she won't be shocked when meeting most people who had lived a structured life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Tell her to not come over.
It just leads to fighting, and the situation is at a lock down. The arguing parties are not you and her, it's her and your parents. So my advice to you is to not bring her around your parents. Not unless you WANT to see a fight take place, or unless you want anger and resentment to grow.
I agree with your girlfriend, to be honest. I think it's a stupid idea, because obviously you and her are doing it already and this isn't the 1800-century. What, do they need her to have a chaperon as well, perhaps? Someone to follow you around and watch that nothing will happen?
And then I get you, you still living with your parents and there is probably good reasons for this. You aren't ready yet to claim your adulthood. And, again, if you ask me, people who aren't adult and who have their parents tell them what to do, and still live at home, shouldn't be getting on with adult activities anyway. Just imagine if you happened to knock this girl up, I don't see how your parents would be supportive at all.
So, for the while you still live at home and still obey your parents and haven't claimed your right to self determination yet, don't have your girlfriend over, and don't have sex.
At the very least, don't bring your girlfriend over, and wear condoms every bloody time. Your parents sound like the type of folks that would kick you out if you ever got a girl pregnant out of wedlock.
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