A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy on and off for the past two years... but it never got serious because he never took the time to get over his ex.I know it was a mistake to continue to date him even casually, but I did because I have self esteem issues and I didn't have many friends where I moved for work (except him - he was one of the first people I met, and we were friends for a year before dating).Over these two years, he consistently told me how much he cared about me, how much he wanted me to always be in his life, how much he likes to be with me, etc. But I never felt I could totally trust him because of the ex... but because of my issues I never pushed him away either.He recently moved away and we haven't seen each other in two months. Before he left, we decided to try to be good friends. I tried to take his physical distance as an opportunity to move on and focus on myself. I thought I was doing well until yesterday, when I overheard two people at work who are friends with him talking -- and I found out that his ex is flying up to see him where he lives now. I felt like crying - not because I wanted to be the one visiting him but because I want a friendship to where he would at least be able to tell me these things. When I felt like crying, that's when I knew that I wasn't moving on at all.. I hadn't healed at all - I'd just been avoiding thinking about him.Even though I can accept that he probably was never the person I would end up with anyway, I still want to "win" him, and I still look at his ex as competition even though she probably has no idea that I even exist... How can I stop being so competitive, wanting him to choose me just for the satisfaction of me "winning"?How can I build self esteem and not be jealous of her or other people?I want to repair our friendship, but is it even worth it? Am I putting too much effort into things when he doesn't care? I never give up on people - maybe I should start.I have already blocked him and his ex on social media to avoid any stalking, etc. Our only method of communication would be via text or call.If I could sum this up I might ask: How can I begin to repair the friendship we once had (is it better to cut contact for a few months or to try to work it out now)? And what are some ways I can build my self esteem so that 1) this doesn't happen again and 2) I can forgive and repair myself?Thank you!
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at work, his ex, jealous, move on, self esteem, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer.
The problem is that we have mutual friends, who all love him endlessly. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear his name. I don't have an issue with not contacting him (whether his number is in my phone or not), but I do have an issue with hearing about bits of his life when he isn't the one who's told me those things.
I don't think I can remove him "fully" from my life because many of my friends outside of work are friends with him, as are a decent number of coworkers & acquaintances. I can't really ask that many people to avoid mention of him... I'll have to brainstorm another workaround.
Re: self esteem, I'm going to a social event tonight that requires "mingling" with 150+ people, way out of my comfort zone, so I'll do my best and see how I feel.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Okay first off, delete all ways of contacting him, you have feelings for him therefore a friendship will never work. If you want closure then you need to end all contact with him so that you can heal. It is a long process but it can happen. You need to understand you will never have a close friendship, he will never be able to open up to you about his ex coming to see him because he knows you have feelings for him. You need to accept that he is not a friend and remove him fully from your life, if you don't do that then you wont move on. It does take time to heal but you will eventually.
Try and figure out why you have low self esteem? What is it that you don't like about yourself? Once you figure this out then maybe you can begin to change it. If it is looks then eat better and exercise more and that might make you feel better about your image. If you are shy then join new groups and force yourself to talk to new people, it will help with your esteem, be open and friendly. If you are in a city where you don't know many people then this is even more reason to put yourself out there and make friends.
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