A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32, my girlfriend of four years is 27. I have a degree and believe in hard work and applying myself to achieve my goals and live well. My gf is not financially motivated and does not want to progress at work, she just wants to get by which is fine. My annual salary is around $100k, hers is $15k so there is a big gap in earnings.We live together in the house that I own, as her income is much less than mine I pay the mortgage and all bills plus any other expenditure to keep the house going including $250 a month for our pets.Out of her $1000 a month she pays for her car and then the rest is for her food and going out. As she only works part time she does most of the cooking and about 2/3rds of the housework. I tend to work 10 hours a day so this does help.Out of my salary I'm left with roughly the same to go out with and buy what I want each month ($1000) although if I do need any extra money I can just take it out of my savings. I do try to save what I can and not blow all of my money each month.We generally take it in turns to pay when we go out but I will pick up any big tabs. Also with holidays we split the hotel/flight etc but I'll pick up a lot of the extras.Financially things work out quite well and she believes in being fairly independent and doesn't expect access to my money. The issue is she has some debt and always spends more than her $1000 a month, her family want her to go away with them or go out for the evening as she always uses money as an excuse not to go. Her family think I am selfish and should share all my money, they are all married with children so are in a different situation where the man goes to work and shares his salary with his family and the woman stays at home to look after the kids.Partly because of the above her family keep pressing her to get married, she wants to get married but I have explained that it's not something I want. Neither of us want children so I really don't see the point. I have nearly cleared my mortgage, have been with the same company for 12 years and I have a good pension - my main concern would be that bad decisions are made my gf to move house, get a loan, waste money etc and this would un-do all my hard work, I have seen it happen to a lot of my friends and colleagues. Also I think we would argue about money whereby today we never argue about finances.Also the things I have paid for in the house get mistreated, washing machine doors get slammed, carpets get muddy, tv gets left on, pets are allowed on the furniture etc - I feel that because she hasn't had to work for anything she doesn't value it. If something breaks its just expected that I'll buy a new one that week.Her friends and family say I am mean and they don't understand it - they don't get why my gf runs out of money every month and can't afford to go out more, they expect me to open up my savings and pay for whatever she wants. I think I am being fair though, more than fair really, - I provide my gf with a nice home, she only works part time and she has a fair disposable income which she keeps and typically she has 2-3 foreign holidays a year albeit on a budget. I would love to have a stress free job and only work a few hours a day.So, my question is am I really mean, should I share everything and give her a better quality of life? Should I get married? Am I really that awful?
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female
reader, MarmaladeTrousers  +, writes (20 August 2012):
It sounds like an even relationship in terms of contribution. You have a house that you're paying off - you could live in it alone or with her. The bills come with the house. Holidays are a pleasure, take them together. So long as your tastes don't differ wildly in affordability, splitting should be fine. If they do though, you should probably contribute a little more financially - which as I understand, you do. The house chores and cooking are time of course and actually something she does mainly for you. So all is fair with the living arrangement. However, where I think things get dicey is in the details. Someone commented on your starting points. Starting points count for a lot and manifest in adults in weird ways. You have a great paying job and a degree but somewhere you knew that this was what you should do - degree, good job. Whether these opportunities were something she experienced in any real way means she might just not had the training - which is pretty indepth - to understand how to make something of herself.So there is actually the opportunity for you to teach her a little - in a very kind way - not patronizing - about money, budgets, accounting, investment. And to be very careful about how it's done because she'll reject otherwise.You don't mention what she does - if she has any passions or interests but she seems to have a healthy enough mind. Could you not give some degree of support to what she loves? Holidays are nice but they don't change lives or lead to any real progression. It actually sounds more like the arrangement is one of her paying penance to you for not earning enough - so never really giving the time to think clearly about her own life.And yet, she has the opportunity. If you really love her I think that it's not about money the way you've painted it - but about believing in her beyond the confines - that in their present state might have a severely restrictive psychological effect - of the relationship between you and her.Don't make her feel like she errs - slamming doors, tracking mud etc. It breeds a certain fear that is limiting - you know it's true and that's a form of psychological control.Show her her value. That's love! And doesn't have anything to do with money or finding the niggly things someone does vastly irritating!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): Don't you want her to have some extra left, by paying for her dinners out, while she is a free cook for you most of the time. Don't you want to do something pleasant for your girlfriend and pay the entire hotel room, as she is being your housmade for 4 years?
Don't you want to spoil her just a little, because you are a bread winner, and a strong man who wants to make his girlfriends life a little bit easier?
Think on how much you already saved during these 4 years that you didn't have to spend on taking girls out? Or would you make them paynhalf for themselves also?
Men like you never attracted me. I don't even know why she is staying with you. O, wait, may be she loves you?
And don't hold your breath about not wanting children and having a woman in your life. She is with you while she is still young but wait when her biological clock will start ticking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): Don't you want her to have some extra left, by paying for her dinners out, while she is a free cook for you most of the time. Don't you want to do something pleasant for your girlfriend and pay the entire hotel room, as she is being your housmade for 4 years?
Don't you want to spoil her just a little, because you are a bread winner, and a strong man who wants to make his girlfriends life a little bit easier?
Think on how much you already saved during these 4 years that you didn't have to spend on taking girls out? Or would you make them paynhalf for themselves also?
Men like you never attracted me. I don't even know why she is staying with you. O, wait, may be she loves you?
And don't hold your breath about not wanting children and having a woman in your life. She is with you while she is still young but wait when her biological clock will start ticking.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (10 August 2012):
 I cant tell how exactly you believe she is taking advantage. its obvious that you resent her making little money and possibly you and her have differnt ideas about money and "wife/husband" duties. If money is so important and ambition possibility your not compatible together. You also seem to not realize how much WORK keeping a house is and cooking..its work and its draining as well. If your not doing 50/50 of the house and cooking and washing then she is pulling her weight. Also Suze Orman gives good financial advice on how to equalize bill payments with two differing salaries..its a percentage and not a dollar amount..so actually if she pays half and is doing most of the housework..your the one whose not pulling his weight.lol. It just seems that you resent the situation andare not very loving and actually seem like a cheapskate or just a cheapo..usually when you are deeply in love whats mine is yours and yours is mine to death do us part...you two may be too different in the long run..sorry.
You do have a right to feel the way you feel but probably because of incompatibilities in the two of you.
Good luck keep us posted.
Peace and love
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): Ok, I ve read all the answers here with most pf them I completely disagree.It's not that you are an awful guy, not at all, but you strike me as being extremely carefull with your money. You are making a VERY VERY good money. Considering the fact that you aren't planning any children, you are in a very good financial situation.You SHOULD pay your mortgage because it's your house, not hers. You would pay for it anyway, wether she lives there or not. Also utilities: you would pay for them anyway, wether she lives there or not. May be now you are paying a tiny bit for water, but that's just a couple dollars, really!Yes, your girlfriend is getting a free ride with the living situation, so what? She is your girlfriend after all, that shares your bed with you, cookes and cleans and washes for you. She is your life companion, and really you are not giving her anything extra. You are not bying her clothes, or her food,You split everything, well almost everything when it comes to traveling or entertainment.Being an old fashioned in this aspect, I would be turned off from a guy if he making 7 times more money than me, saves most of it and makes me split with him even hotel for heaven sake. Couldn't you do this little as to pay for a hotel room just to be nice to her, and just treat your woman?With that said, you ll need to decide wether you even want her. You obviously don't like the fact that she is making so little money, that she is messing things in your house and so on.The last thing I want to say, that most women like generous men. Generousity is not just about money. But money is a good way to detect a cheap scate, who will be cheap with his feelings also.Founder of Nobel price, a real gentlemen once said: you can't keep your woman in financial restriction and misery for too long, she would become neurotic and her good nature will change to unfavorable.Looks like your girlfriend is far from taking advantage of you. She pays for whatever she can, may be it's time for you to treat her more oftenr and surprise her with your generosity from now and then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2012): I kind of agree - well , almost - with what the others are saying BUT I do think that when you say she does "most of the cooking" and "2/3rds of the housework" this potentially amounts to a lot. Obviously I don't know all the details but there is a huge difference between someone going to the bother of cooking nice meals for their partner and/or merely making cheese on toast now and again. And there is also a huge difference between cleaning a house properly and regularly compared with washing a few dishes every other day. Is this unpaid 'work' really taken seriously in your household/by you? I also think that there has been a bit of a tendency in the responses you've received to pigeon-hole your girlfriend as someone out to use you. This may not be the case at all. Not everyone is financially motivated and not everyone is cut out for full time work in a formal environment - many women really do pull their weight around the home and it rarely goes noticed. You say that you would love a part time job - but with your mortgage soon cleared you will be able to get one if you like. And, at the end of the day, you have a great property whereas your girlfriend owns no property of her own. It may well be that she would be happy with someone earning around the same amount as her, who had less of a material outlook on life. I think its a bit too easy to assume that she is just taking advantage - she's still young and some people do need a bit longer to really understand what they want from life. And you also don't mention both of your 'starting points' in life, which I think is something that should ALWAYS be taken into account but rarely ever is when people judge what others have achieved. Did you and your girlfriend have the same (dis)advantages as kids/in your home life growing up? It's just a few thoughts in her defence, but admittedly without knowing the whole scenario...for the main part I think it's true that you are in a bit of denial about how much you resent the situation...if you have good reason to, then fair enough, but it may be worth considering these few other points. When people really are in love they tend to not give two hoots if pets jump on furniture and stuff - things like this are not necessarily a sign of disrespect to you but you are taking them as such, so maybe for you its time to call it quits.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2012):
 Sounds like all her family expect of her is the marry rich (or someone with more money to pay her way). Maybe that is how she was raised.
I don't think you are mean, but I DO think she needs help in making a budget. I think however, you are enabling her lack of understand of money.
She pays NOTHING towards the bills/groceries/cable?
I understand that you pay the full mortgage, it is your house alone I assume and only your name on the property. But for her to live Scott free? Not having to help at all? Insane! So when she lived at home her parents paid it all and now you practically pay all the "living expenses" - aside from her phone/car/insurance?
She hold the philosophy of "what's mine is mine and what's yours should be mine too..."
I would not be happy with this arrangement.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 I find it interesting that her friends and family are crass enough to come straight out and tell you that you are mean and should share your money ..... or is she telling you her friends and family say this?
Either way, regardless of not planning to marry or have children how you spend your money is about as much of their business as how they spend their money is yours.
However, as it does seem to be bothering you, I would sit down with the girlfriend and just make sure you are both on the same page. Lay your cards on the table, make sure she is totally aware you have no desire or intention to have children, and so don't see any reason to marry.
Make sure she is happy with the arrangment as it now stands, and next time somebody tells you how to spend the money you have earnt simply tell them to mind their own business.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (9 August 2012):
 First of all, you are already being EXTREMELY generous by paying all of her living expenses. Thanks to you, she has a roof over her head, lights, tv, heat, water, etc. She should be contributing more, in my opinion. You are not obligated to financially support your girlfriend, which is basically what you are doing. Her money is pretty much just spending money. I know 16 year olds who work harder and are more responsible than your 27 year old girlfriend.
She does not sound motivated at all. Sounds like she wants and even expects for you to take care of her. Sounds like she is a bit spoiled. You are absolutely NOT "mean" because you don't want to just hand her money like you're an ATM. You work hard for you money, and you should not be expected to just give it away!
It's good that you two have decided not to get married, but you sound as if you are having second thoughts. Just be aware that if you do get married, she will probably feel as if there is no reason for her to work at all, so she would quit her measly part-time job. Then, you would certainly be supporting her completely. I wouldn't be surprised if she would spend a great deal of your money shopping, going out, etc. And if things didn't work out, she'd probably get the house, the car, etc. And what's the most bothersome, in my opinion, is that she doesn't even treat YOUR home with respect, letting things get messed up, assuming you'll just replace it. Very immature and irresponsible of her...
Why is she so unmotivated? Does she have a college education? What would she be doing if she didn't have you, mooch off family members? Sounds like she needs to grow up and get it together... There are tons of hard-working, financially independent women out there who would appreciate a man like you. I suggest you go and find one of them!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 August 2012):
 OP Asks, "So, my question is am I really mean, should I share everything and give her a better quality of life? Should I get married? Am I really that awful?"
I don't see your relationship as being financially inequitable. I don't think you are being mean or unfair. At four years it doesn't seem that she feels mistreated either. You have an agreement and you live by it. Sure you each have some resentment but you are both willing to live inside the agreement you have. No you are not awful. You do have a fault that we should address at some point. You don't seem to understand all of her needs very well.
Your other questions have to do with changing the agreement / relationship. When I read your fears about marriage or shared access to your funds, what I see is a lack of trust. Apparently you trust her with other things but trusting her with money is out. Before marriage you should work that out. Could you just be generous and give her more, yes, but, it would not increase your ability to trust her with money and things. Growing the trust is more important. If her goal is to get married, (as opposed to the goal of having a big wedding)then her biggest step to achieving that is to earn your money trust. She will have to learn to share her money decisions with you, and to sincerely listen to good advice. You will have to get more involved with her money problems so this can happen. When she halts her debt growth you will feel much better. Pet hair and slammed doors won't matter so much. (I hope)
You need to learn more about her needs. There is something missing here. I really do worry that some day soon she is going to wake up and say, "I'm not reaching my personal/emotional goals with this man. He cares more about his washing machine than me. I'm going to find someone else." When that happens your savings won't bring her back. Think about what you want most.
To recap. you are in a relationship that you are both mostly comfortable with. There is some family pressure to marry. My advice is to increase her financial ability to the point you can trust her. Also, be sure that her need for security is met and be sure that she knows her importance to you. Show it in words and deeds.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): "Should I get married?" I really don't think that getting married will change the state of affairs really,unless you have that old-school mindset that you have to support your wife, in which case you'll be both in debt very soon, and there'll be a arguing over money, because then she'll be spending your money. I really agree with So_Very_Confused , I think you're still thinking in terms of my house, my money, when if you're living together with someone it should be "our" money, so you both should sit down and talk about a better way of managing the bills, that is she could get another job or if it's best that stay at home cooking/cleaning, than she should spent less money so that she wouldn't be in debt, being able to even help pay the bills. I don't think you're mean at all,but just getting sick of seeing her spend money then running out of it, while living at your expense and having her family call you mean.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 August 2012):
You’re not awful, but you do resent the financial gap a lot more than you acknowledge: you’re in denial about this a bit I’m afraid. Your girlfriend’s friends and family should not be expecting you to pay for everything for her, with no children to look after what’s the reason for her not working longer hours apart from the fact that she’s simply happy with the way things are? If she is happy with her current working arrangements, she should accept the limitations on her spending that comes with earning a low wage. Money does seem like it’s going to be an issue for you both further down the road, so you should sit down and work out some spending plans together. Set budgets, keep records and work out how each of you can stick to your monthly disposable income. True, you mightn’t need to make plans for yourself like this because you seem to be good with money and well able to manage it, but do it to support your girlfriend so that when you come to talk about the money issue, it won’t seem like a one-way criticism of her.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): No. You are not being mean. And is not your responsability to share all your money with your girlfriend. You shouldnt get married if you dont want it and her family is out of this discussion.
I am a grown woman and I get you point.
Your gf has a very very easy life..seriously. I worked overnight 50 hrs/week and I pay for my own place, my own car, my bills, vacation, medical stuff etc etc. I know what it means earn each penny each month and I really hate when people thinks the money comes from the aladdin lamp...
If the income/money really matters to you she seems not to be the right person for you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 August 2012):
 What if you two made an appointment with whoever manages your finances to talk over a spending plan? You are already paying an enormous amount to her, she just doesn't seem to realize how much you are contributing. I think if you go into your bank/where you have your savings someone will be more than happy to go over with her a spending/savings plan so she will not continue to get herself into debt. If money is being managed well you shouldn't have to regularly dip into your savings for "frivolous" things.
If I was talking to her rather than you, however, I would be telling her that if she needs more than $1,000 a month, she needs to get it herself. She's only working part-time, why doesn't she take more hours? What it sounds like is someone who has next to no living expenses but still somehow runs out of money. Is there some reason she can't have a full time job?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2012):
 I think you and your GF are NOT fiscally compatible.
I think that it's time for a grown woman of 27 to be pulling her own weight....
Personally I'm very very old school about money... what's mine is his and what's his is mine... we co-mingled our funds long before we had the same address...
now with me working and him job hunting... I pay all the bills..... and I'm fine with it...
if you feel that she mistreats YOUR things... (things you have paid for for YOUR home) then you must still not think that this life with her is permanent... as she lives in YOUR home as your GUEST....
MY home has my name on the deed but it's OUR HOME... he has the same rights and access I do. WE bought a washing machine, we renovated our home...
for me a couple that lives together as a married couple whether with or without that piece of paper..should share finances fully.
My take on it is not often followed by the younger generation but it worked for my grandparents, my parents and it works for me:
Sit down
work out a budget that combines both incomes... it's not MY MONEY and YOUR money it's OUR MONEY
mortgage costs
house costs
car costs
food costs
entertainment
clothing
grooming
SAVINGS
etc...
figure out how much is for spending money for each of you and then stick to that....
if she balks at not having quite as much spending money as in the past tell her that in order to have more she must get a full time job (but then you will have to do more of the housework too)
if that's not an option for you, then consider ending the relationship if she won't pull her weight the way you want her to.
FWIW I make good money but I'm lousy about managing it. I gladly turned our budget needs over to my fiance... he makes less than I do and always will but he has a much better head for money...
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