A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going through a mixed phase right now with my bf. Recently, I've been reflecting on our relationship for the past 5 years, and I'm wondering whether I should just move on because I just don't feel happy anymore.We have been dating for 5 years, but we do not live together. This is because my bf is unemployed and I made it clear I did not want to move in together unless he found a stable job (I have a job and a degree). During our first year of dating, he brought up moving in together, and had even shown me pictures of flats. At the time, I could only move out once I had graduated from uni (I only had one year to go), and shared this with him. He found this reasonable. That was the last time he seriously talked about moving in together. Since then, it's practically become a game of "House" since my bf only imagines us doing stuff like cooking together and getting a dog. That's it. He keeps using "When" in his sentences, but after 4+ years of dating, it makes me grind my teeth at the idea of him "Playing House" in his head.Then on our first anniversary, he toyed around the idea of engagement and hinted that he would propose. He didn't, and admitted he was going to but "was talked out of it". To this day, I still don't know the full story behind why he didn't propose. He barely talks about that incident. Since then, he's been giving me mixed messages about engagement and marriage and keeps chopping and changing his mind. One minute he's "Playing House" again and imagining our future and joking about me proposing to him, the next he puts down the idea of marriage when one of his friends or family asks out of curiosity (they're not nosey or anything, they ask because he's told them how crazy he is about me). He says hurtful things like "Pfft - you got the money to pay for a wedding?!" and "It could be worse - I could be like my cousin and be getting married just now!" - while I'm standing right next to him. His family eagerly suggest it, but the first words out of his mouth are "Oh, noo".One time, he even took me through a Jewellers arcade and even stopped and looked at rings... then tells me "It's far too early to be thinking about [this]" (I never initiated the trip - he did. I never hinted about marriage either. He does every once in a while).Because of this, I've tested the waters and said a few negative things about the idea of marriage; like one time I hinted that I may not want to get married which he was butt-hurt about and asked if I was serious. Another time was when his friends joked about us having a themed wedding. I scoffed and laughed nervously at the idea, yet he responds "I wouldn't laugh so nervously, my love", as though he wanted me to respond positively. But it's like - I'm simply responding in a similar way he does when someone asks HIM about marriage. Why the sudden change of tone?The biggest problem is his chronic unemployment. He dropped out of uni, then dropped out of college with a lame excuse. I put my foot down and told him to look for work if he wanted us to move in together. He does the bare minimum of job searching (2 hours a day). Every time an interview comes up, he mysteriously becomes "unwell" and ends up not going. He mentions jobs he will apply for, but never mentions them again. I honestly don't feel he's putting in enough effort into looking for a job, which makes me feel rejected, personally. I interpret this as "She's not worth it". I, however, work as many hours as possible and I'm training to become a teacher. He's mentioned how he would like to be a 'house husband' - but this is not happening in my books.My bf is also lazy. He suffers from depression but won't do anything about it, and will lay in bed for days at a time and not get out of bed unless he needs to get shopping for his family or go and get high with his friends and play video games (which I hate with a passion). He can also be incredibly moody and be a complete arsehole if he has not eaten (yeah, he skips meals).And... I've just had enough. I don't feel romanced enough in the relationship. I can't stand his laziness and resent his lack of motivation to look for a job. I especially resent that after 5 years our relationship hasn't progressed further since we started dating. I know it's bad to make comparisons, but I wish my bf was like other bfs and surprise me with flowers, take me for rides in a car instead of me being the taxi driver in the relationship, take me away for romantic getaways instead of inviting me on family holidays where we barely get a minute to ourselves, have a job and be motivated to do well in life, and have serious discussions with me about the future instead of giving me mixed signals all the time (e.g. buying a house, marriage, kids).Thing is, my bf is crazy in love with me, says I'm "The One" and his "Soul Mate", and if it wasn't or the above problems, we get along great and are really compatible.It's pretty obvious that I've made up my mind on what to do. My question is: am I justified in breaking up with my boyfriend?I would appreciate any feedback.
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anniversary, cousin, flowers, mixed messages, money, move on, video games, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 Off course you are in your right to end things. It is clear from your post you are not happy and that this relationship is not progressing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017): *THIS IS THE OP HERE!*I'm not belittling the illness in any way whatsoever. In fact I've experienced depression myself over the past couple of years (due to my dad being ill and three deaths within the family), so I completely understand how serious the illness is and am very well aware that it is a serious illness. The difference is I actively sought help while I was at uni to battle my depression, and managed to graduate, work two jobs, get my drivers license, and get onto a teacher training course. There are times where I still feel depressed, but I do not let it control my life.My depression wasn't diagnosed, but I had the symptoms and it was a horrible experience.My bf is, however, depressed. Yet, he refuses to get help for his depression or get a proper diagnosis. He won't see a doctor because he considers them a waste of time. He tried the uni counselling service ONCE and declared it a waste of time. He will not get help whatsoever. He always came to me for support while I was battling my own concerns. I have a nurturing nature, so I always listened to his concerns and gave him advice. But that's just it - he never listens. He never takes on board anything I tell him. I feel like a broken-down record. His family feel the same way - no matter how many times we give him advice, it feels like the advice goes in through one ear and out the other.I'm really sorry if I gave the impression that I was belittling depression and I'm sorry to have upset you, ChiGirl. That was not my intention. Just to clarify: I am aware depression is a real, serious illness and have experienced depression myself.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 March 2017):
 Completely justified.
Don't make his problems yours. You're not married, you're not even engaged, you don't need all this drama. He's bringing nothing to the relationship for you. There's no romance, no commitment, no happiness, no security and just saying that you're the "one" without following it up is rubbish.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 March 2017):
 If your bf has depression he is not lazy! After 5 years with him I would have thought you would know more about depression than to belittle a serious diagnosis. Unless he does not have a diagnos at all, and you are thinking throwing statements about mental illness around is an ok thing to do...? Which one is it, does he have a mental health diagnosis or not?
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (16 March 2017):
It's your life. If he is not making you happy move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): You are very justified in breaking up with him. As far as I can tell from what you're saying, he doesn't pull his weight in the relationship: you obviously feel like you're making more effort in your life and that you deserve someone who is willing to work on themselves and not depend on someone else. It would be a different story if your preference is to find someone to take care of, but that's obviously not the case here since it obviously bothers you.In my experience relationships take more work when you live together. Relationships are more than how well you get along with someone, it has to be joy to do the "work" to maintain your relationship. A partner needs to have compatible values (note that I said compatible and not the same) to yours and is a person who doesn't act flippant towards yours feelings and is honest whenever he can when something bothers him. After a few years it isn't about how cute he is or how smart your conversations are, if your partner doesn't do any work to romance you or initiate contact (and vice versa) then it'll last very little. He needs to have an initiative to work for you, to keep your relationship alive. He sounds pampered and sounds like he isn't willing to put in work for anything (love, life, career). Depression has little to do with those things. I suffer from depression but I have a career, I learned to manage it because my life and survival depends on it. I know it's painful, but I think it would be good for yourself and for him to at least put a break on things. Maybe he'll realize the way he's being is unfair or maybe it'll free you for a better person in the future.
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A
female
reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 You are completely justified in ending the dead-end relationship. It's ok. It will be uncomfortable at times and a bit of an upheaval.You'll experience some sorrow and loss.You'll also find yourself relieved. And surprisingly, likely you'll feel a sense of lightness and expectation and happiness.Do what you know needs doing. Be kind but be resolute.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Seems like he is pulling games with you. When you seem to distance yourself he talks "make-believe marriage" or "fantasy future" to keep you hanging on.
How long are you going to "wait" for him to WANT to be independent, to live with you, to move things forward? Because I think you can wait till the cows come home and it won't happen.
HE doesn't WANT marriage. He likes the IDEA and NOVELTY of living together - but doesn't WANT to put in the effort to make it a reality.
The whole being so "vague" about the original proposal CAN be two-fold. 1. he doesn't want YOU to think badly of whoever suggested it was TOO soon and 2. it WAS him that decided against it, he just doesn't want you to know.
OP, honey.... TALK is cheap. You know the saying LOOK at his actions, not just listen to his words, right? Well, take a minute and do that and what do you come up with? A guy who HASN'T matured in 5 years, who is happy living like a "teenager".
THIS is who he is. You can't change him and HE sees no real reason to change either, after all.... you have stuck it out with him for 5 years.
ACCEPT him for who he is and what he is offering you. If that is NO longer enough - maybe this relationship has an expiration date and it's passed already.
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