A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:In April, my fiancee and I will finally travel to Australia to marry. She is Chinese. My time here in China has been OK. But, there is something which is seriously pushing me away.She hasn't done her overseas work for about 6 months which is fine. We used to spend a fair bit of time together at home. And there's the problem, it's nearly always at home. She thinks that if we go out anywhere together that it should be ok. But she doesn't get it that going out in the company of her friends doesn't qualify as romantic time together. Her definition of it is snuggling up in bed watching movies. I want more variety than that though.It's ripping into me and really getting me frustrated and unhappy. She goes out with friends and works VERY hard but I am dying for just one night where we could go out, have a nice meal and set he scene for somethign more romantic. There's no passion...we are both working hard so it's very hard to line things up.Basically I'm starting to do a bit of an inventory to decide what to do. We are only a few months away from returning to Australia and I know she still has a lot of commitments to her job, overseas tour work, company work, local tours and learning to drive. Plus she wats to see her family before she leaves China.I really, really appreciate the time spent together in the evenings but I'm just looking for that something extra. At the moment I'm battling through it until we get to Australia. Then hopefully we will have more time to spend on nice things together - after all, who is going to be showing her around the beautiful country, right?We have some time in Australia to decide on things too. My only concern was having to spend all my time working 2 jobs to support us in the beginning. I want to do that but it's going to leave even less time to do something special.Maybe I'm demanding too much?
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (18 January 2011):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenise, Thankyou so much for that advice. It's oh so true that I often run into the trap of not communicating effectively. It doesn't help that we are from 2 completely different cultures and that sometimes her English leaves me wondering what she's requesting for (much to her chagrin!). A perfect example: she wants the pair of pants out in the living room - she pronounces it 'pans' and then 'pens'...no 't' so I was scratching my head for a minute until she came running out like a lunatic to grab them lol.I will try your approach as I think it makes a lot more sense then just straight out requesting more time to spent on enjoyable activities that allow us to connect. Sometimes my wording is not so direct too - she may not get all of the meaning behind what I am trying to say. I'll run with your idea and keep in mind that in the future I should be more aware of NOT making her feel unappreciated or like I don't value our time together!
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 If you are working two jobs, how are you going to find the time to plan a visit to a nice, candlelit restaurant with wine and flowers? (if that's your idea of a romantic evening, that is).
I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know you enjoy and appreciate snuggling in bed with her and watching movies - that's important to emphasize, other wise SHE will feel unappreciated and that maybe YOU don't enjoying the snuggling! - then go on to say you'd like to add something different - a visit to a nice restaurant; maybe dinner and a boat ride on the river, sort of thing; drive to a seaside venue and have a nice meal out, then watch the moonbeams play over the water.......whatever your idea of something more romantic is. See if you can get her interested and enthusiastic about spending time like that.
And be supportive of her plans to visit her family before you both leave for Australia! She might not see them again for a long time once you've left China. Go with her, and let them know you'll miss them too.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 No. Your problem is that you are not demanding anything at all. You are letting her set the agenda and you react to it. She wants you to be in charge and failing to take charge you will make her feel insecure.
Why would you say that you "really really appreciate the time spent together in the evenings" it really sounds as if your relationship is out of line. She should appreciate the time that you spend with her. Its just not fitting, in a Chinese context, for you to cast yourself in the role of the little woman waiting at home. get yourself out of the house, even if you've got nowhere to go and wait for her to call you to ask you to come home.
Why is she wasting time learning to drive in China? It takes forever to learn to drive here - it is a really inefficient process compared with learning to drive in other countries. She should wait until she's in Oz and then learn there.
Her family responsibilities can all be taken care of quite conveniently during the holiday.
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