A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 8 years now and were courting for almost 4 years before marriage. Everything was going great and we have had a very satisfying and fulfilling relationship. We understood each other perfectly and cared for each other. Until one day when my husband told me that he had sex with a prostitute on an official trip. He said he doesn't know why he did it but it was unintentional. he still loves me a lot. This happened around 2 years back...after that he has had many opprtunities to go on official trips outside the country but he somehow passed them onto other colleagues and other times I dissuaded him to go on such trips, I am scared that this will be repeated. Earlier I trusted him so much but now eventhough I try hard I just can't seem to come to terms with it and don't trust him anymore the way I used to. In fact I get weird thoughts of actually going to an unknown place and transforming myself into a prostitute and feel the freedom. I want to have sex with someone else other than him. In fact recently I also tried reviving my ex-boyfriend and visualised myself having sex with him. I feel we have lost the passion, love I guess is still there but deviod of any overwhelming emotion. Life seems quite drab, earlier I would surprise him on his special days and make sure we have a good time, but now I rarely feel like doing so.I have actually shared all these thoughts with him to which he says that he did the biggesr blunder of his life by doing such an act and more so by telling me the truth. Now I wonder it's been 2 years since then so why is it that this still haunts me. I am not narrow minded and completely understand that such things can happen, perhaps could have happened with me, but I question myself is it only this incident for may be it's a phase that comes in everyone's life after years of being together. Is it that we need time off from each other to realise, understand and appreciate how much we still love each other or value each other. I need your honest answrs guys, I am confused and feel pathetic at times.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (18 January 2011):
It's totally natural that you feel this way, there's nothing wrong with you.
Your husband is the one who betrayed you and your marriage. His crime isn't that he told you the truth!!! it is that he even cheated in the first place. And that he's contributing to the degradation of women in society by paying money to fuel that industry. Not only did he betray you, but he's degrading another woman by paying money to use her like a piece of meat for his benefit. (I actually find that more disgusting than, say, cheating in the case of having an affair that's a "real" relationship with another woman where it was mutual and consensual. Others would disagree but hey..)
I don't believe it would have been better if he had kept it a secret from you, even if he used protection so you're not at risk of STDs or HIV. You need to know who this person is that you are married to, you need to know the truth about who he is otherwise you're living under a deception thinking you're married to this sweet wonderful self-controlled and LOYAL man when you actually aren't.
At least he told you the truth so you can decide what to do for yourself, if you still want to stay with him or not. I think it's even more shameful when cheaters keep it secret and deny their wives the right to know the truth and thus to decide if they want to stay married to them. that is a double act of selfishness (the first being the cheating in the first place).
Of course the truth hurts and when it comes to cheating, it's often irreversible. But that's not your fault, it's his. He betrayed you and demeaned your marriage. It's normal that many relationships never recover from this. Studies have shown that many people feel even more traumatized by their spouse's cheating and betrayal than by their spouse's death.
I think you should see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and decide what to do. One thing is for sure which is your mistrust isn't going to just go away by itself despite others advising you to just get over it, NOR SHOULD IT. You have every reason to be hyper vigilant from now on. Yet it's unhealthy to live in a constant state of hypervigilance forever, so you may need help from a counselor to deal with this.
you are totally right that if he did it once he could do it again and who knows if he already did. Even if he hasn't done it again, your mistrust understandably will linger and you may need help in how to cope with those feelings and get over them IF THAT IS YOUR CHOICE.
but realize that you do NOT have to force yourself to get over it. You do not owe him your feelings, and you do not owe him any loyalty because he has betrayed you.
If you do want to try and forgive and repair the marriage, then couples counseling would probably be needed. But again, don't feel like you HAVE to do this. You have every right to end the marriage.
so this is also where seeing a counselor could help you to decide what you and you alone want to do. Whether you want to try and forgive and get past this, or whether you want to separate or divorce him. If divorce seems drastic because it's gonna turn your world upside down, imagine what living the rest of your life with these feelings (if they don't change) is going to be like.
Finally I'm always skeptical when guys say "I cheated on my wife, and didn't tell her, and thus it improved my marriage because it made me realize how much I loved her."...I'm sorry but that's a delusion meant to make the guilty party feel OK about what they did and give them an excuse to not take responsibility for their behavior.
At least your husband had the shred of decency to tell you the truth so that you have important information about him to make choices for your life.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 This has absolutely nothing to do with you or with your marriage or with how much your husband loves you. It was strange and foolish of him to tell you what he did, it surely would have been better if he hadn't. It sounds as if your husband is a good man, better than most, he had an opportunity, he was curious, he did something that perhaps he shouldn't have done and then he felt guilty.
I can tell you that this is incredibly common. You could sit in the late evening in the lobby of any 5 Star hotel catering to business travellers almost anywhere i the word and see the working girls coming and going.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I strongly suggest that both you and your husband see a marriage counsellor.
It sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.
Have you had yourself tested for STD's and HIV?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): He shouldn't have told you if he did it just one time. I think almostevery married man sleep with another women once. It is not just out of disrespect for his wife but just to try something different. I'm married and I did it once but I didn't tell my wife. But I hated it after I did it. I really don't regrate. I think it have strengthened my love and commitment to my wife. I got my lesson the only real happiness and pleasure I could have is only with my wife. Now I love her more than ever. Even she is amazed by this posetive change and is more happier.
If he still loves you, cares for you and give you time and attention please, please try to forget it. Don't think about sleeping with other man. It will hurt you more. But if you really want do it and see what will happen. You will see how he felt. Please try to understand him. Believe me he will not do it again if he loves and cares. He hate what he did more than you do.
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