A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl who I really liked a few months ago, through some friends. I got chatting and walked her home. I got her number and a couple of days later I texted her to asked if she wanted to go for a coffee. She said yes and we arranged a date. Meanwhile, we went out clubbing with the friends and I chatted and kissed her on the cheek, which startled her. A few days later we went for the coffee, which I thought was a 'date' but then when I met her she told me that we were going out as friends. I was a bit disappointed, but I took her to the coffee shop and we chatted. She revealed to me that she had a boyfriend, which again made me feel disappointed. At the end of the 'get together' she said that perhaps we could see each other again. I was in two minds about whether to bother, but a couple of days later I invited her out to the cinema. She said she would go. A day before we were due to go, I decided that I didn't want to just go out with her as a friend and I cancelled the trip to the cinema. My feelings for her gradually subsided and I was busy with work. About two months later however, after a night out with friends, I was drunk and sent her a text asking her out to the cinema. She said she would go and we arranged a date and time. She told me she was still happy with her boyfriend, but I seemed to let it go over my head. After the cinema we went to a bar and had a good conversation. My feelings for her were rekindled. I texted her to let her know that I had enjoyed meeting her again and she replied telling me that she enjoyed herself and would like to me with me again. However, I think I read too much into what she wanted from me. I felt confused and a few days after going with her to the cinema I sent her an email telling her I was confused about what she wanted from me. She told me that she enjoyed being with me, but she could see that I couldn't understand why a girl with a boyfriend would go out with other men, and that she thought that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to go out again. I feel glad that sent her the email, as it is a weight off my mind, but I also feel that I have lost a potentially good friend. Can anyone tell me how I could apologise and hope she could forgive me and we go out as friends, or should I just learn from the experience and move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a while since I wrote the original message but I thought I would provide an update.I tried to stay friends with the woman because I couldn't stop thinking about her and I thought that it was better than nothing.She was friendly and I became increasingly frustrated that she was nice and friendly and told me that she liked me but was then going to her boyfriends for sex.After a couple of weeks I felt that annoyed that I sent her a text telling her that I couldn't stand her being nice and would feel better if she hated me and told me to F off. She sent an email a few days later saying that she was very disappointed and couldn't understand my reaction, because she used to think that I was mature and polite and that a more mature guy could be friends with a woman even if she did have a boyfriend.I sent her an email explaining my feelings and how I had liked her for quite a while, but never received a reply.I have been seeing other women since, but I still think of her. I sent her a friendly email recently to ask how she was doing but never received a reply. Sometimes I regret what I said, but it is how I felt at the time. Now I think I could be just friends, but I think it's too late!
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Quite simply - you cannot 'just be friends' with someone you have feelings for, so I think you have had the right outcome here. Seeing her again, as you said yourself, would only rekindle any feelings you have for her so it is not a good idea to continue seeing her.
She has always been upfront with you, told you that she has a boyfriend and this is just friendship. But you cannot have a true friendship when one person wants more from the other party.
You would always be waiting to hear if she was having problems with her boyfriend and to see if there is a chance for you to be more than friends - that is no way to live, just in waiting to see if you can get more from her.
So move on, learn from the experience and try not to continue any 'relationships' with women who have boyfriends, unless you are certain that your feelings are purely platonic for that woman and you are happy with just friendship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): If you feel you could not deal with just being friends, the odd coffee, cinema trip, then I would forget it. You may just end up continually looking for signs that she has changed her mind, and you would if you are holding a candle for her. But if you feel you could handle it - then I would email to say you would like to be friends and that you totally know that it IS just friends. Keep it light and friendly. But then leave it at that. See if she gives you a buzz. But don't do more than that. Better to walk away and keep your dignity.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 This girl was just looking for some fun. Sorry but she is cheating on her bf by going out with you, and honestly is that the type of gf you want?
If the relationship had to continue, the thought that she cheated on her bf with you will always be there, and there can never be complete trust.
Cut ties with her she is not worth it. Just move on with your life and put this one down to experience.
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