A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to feel annoyed if your boyfriend of 10 months (serious relationship, living together) says things like "us" and "we" regarding his ex wife.Let me explain. He left his ex-wife over 11 years ago. They have a boy aged 12. He needs a lot of schooling support cos he is behind. My boyfriend went to a parent's evening the other night and when he came back he was saying "We're going to get him support" and "the Teacher has said she'll back 'us' up" and "we are pleased he is getting the addition support" - it's all this "we" "us" business that is getting me down - like they're a team and I am an outsider.When he goes to pick/drop his son off - he can't just say goodbye - they stand there talking for at least 15-20 mins while i sit in the car. She did invite me in once, but he never asks me. When I mentioned about it, he made me feel bad like i was being pathetic. Then I asked if he'll always love her because she's the mother of his child and he said no, they have a bond and that is the child.My mum says I am being silly cos if there was anything there he wouldn't have left her for someone else in the first place.I also once said his son had nice eyes and he said they are aren't they? Then he said he takes after his mum then realised what he'd said and turned round and said cos they've both got the problem of needing glasses.Am I being pathetic? I don't think he still wants her in that way. She is married to a lovely man anyway, its just more that I feel unimportant in comparison. Also once his son had left something in his car (i'd been seeing my boyfr for 6 months at this point) and she drew up outside his house, his son dashed in for the keys and both her and his son rifled through his car for whatever it was.Call me petty but I feel it's like she's got more over him than me...
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ex-wife, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): this is why i do not get involved with single parents- far too much drama and hassle, simply not worth it. Get a man who can commit to you emotionally and only you emotionally instead of having a string of baggage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I can see where you're coming from with the we and us thing but please,you can't get pissed over stuff like that.I mean it is only vocab being short for me and "blank".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Oh... about the eyes thing. Obviously you have a very truthfull partner and he was unable to lie to you and take the credit by saying "yes their as beautifull as mine." Knowing that you would spot the lie, he told you the truth and like you said he also included the fact that his ex had beautifull eyes, but was also genetically blind. Be secure in the fact that he finds it difficult to lie to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Sorry babes, but the short and sweet answer in my humble opinion is yes, you are being pathetic.
It's a bit of a mouthfull to remember to say "the mother of my son and I" or "my ex wife and I". In normal conversation people shorten things to "us" and "we" all the time. I'm sure he refers to you as "us" rather than "the woman I love and have have choosen to live and spend my life with".
His use of english is correct. When he refers to his ex-wife in a formal situations such as talking to his son's teacher, it's "we". When he's reporting to you all that happens in a factual, truthfull manner again the correct form is "we" and "us".
She has bad manners and should really invite you into her house, but seeing as it's only 15 or 20minutes, she probably is being considerate and dosen't want you to delay your trip. Your partner is being a thoughtful and considerate father. He is making sure his son sees that him and his ex-wife can be polite and friendly. He also makes sure that he's son knows how important you are in his life because he takes you along. He is being kind in taking you along, because he probably hopes this will prove to you that he has nothing to hide.
Unfortunately, we cannot help you remove either the son or the ex-wife. But we hope that you can compromise on this issue, not ignore but accept your feelings, and relax in the knowledge that this wonderfull man loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): NO I don't think you are being pathetic. I think you have a good reason to feel annoyed. But I think you both are at fault here. While I do agree that I think he does things that are somewhat questionable (like mentioning that his sons eyes take after his mom's. That was gratuitous and rude. He shouldn't have said that...), I also think that you are giving his ex more importance than she really has and I think that is partly the reason why he acts this way...
When you let on that you feel threatened by a woman that perhaps really means nothing to him in comparison to you, what happens is that you are giving her height in his eyes. Everytime you feel jealous of her, it makes him wonder what is so special about her. And he starts thinking about her and starts remembering her good qualities and thinks "well she did have really pretty eyes..." etc. Why? Cause if you are jealous of her, he is thinking she must have something good going on for her...I think your unfounded paranoia is making him give her more importance than she actually has...
And for all you know he may say stuff like that to you to get a reaction out of you...you never know...
Look, since the situation in my opinion really is not that bad, my advice to you is STOP acting jealous in front of him. DO NOT let on that it bothers you. I truly believe that in this particular situation, the more confident you act of what you both have together, the less he is going to make slip up comments like the one he said about her eyes...and if he is talking about her and he refers to her as "us," because he is talking about his child's welfare, don't get angry. Make a little joke about it and say "us? huh?" and give him a little smirk...but chill out and be COOL about it. The more cool you are, the more height you are going to give to yourself in his eyes...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Maybe this can be of assistance to you for what it is worth;
My late husband was divorced with 3 children when I meet him; I was single no children etc;
In the begining all this parenting stuff was difficult for me to deal with, I almost felt as if his attention was not with me(not enough); which quite rightly it was not;
His children was the number 1 priority in certain aspects; I had to learn to cope, sharing his attention at times; also to cope with a very demandig ex;
Believe me, a few times we nearly broke up because of her; at times I thought and felt as if, when ever she "slaps' her fingers he had to jump, and always all the excuses, 'oh but the children". It was tough, believe me, when you are young and not use to sharing your man on an emotional level.
Well I got some excellent advise from an old friend; I tried it and it worked for me:
She told me to make peace with the situation; or to get out; as the children and ex will always be there;
She suggested I do not compete with the children for his time and attention; she further more told me to make friends with the ex;(tall order trust me)!
I loved him and wanted to make our relationship work; I did make friends with the ex( we are still friends after all these years); I gave the kids lots of love and attention; I encouraged him to spent more time with them, have them around (basically I changed my attitude towards them, they were no longer a threat)
I had no more fears about the ex and all my insecurities regarding the ex were gone.
We could get togehter for birthdays etc as a happy family; ultimately when we got married and had children, the bond between the children is amazing; you will never say they are from different mothers; they love each other and have a very close bond.
After there father passed away my boys were still very young, but they had thee "big brothers" and that meant so much to them then and even now!
Hope this can be of assistance to you!
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (13 June 2008):
 You are hung up on the word "WE".Would you feel better if he had said "Alice and I are going to get him support." or "The teacher is going to back up Alice and me" It means the same thing! He and the child's mother are getting him support and doing what parents need to do ~ take care of their child. You have nothing whatsoever to do with making school choises or childrearing decisions for that boy so you are not included in that "we". If that makes you feel like an outsider so be it. The fact that both parents are able to aproach this as a team is wonderful and only to the benefit of the child! Stop being so selfish here! You are not the important one in this conversation ~ the child is. I only wish my ex and I could be a team like that for my sons. I ended up with sole custody because he is a lunatic and we dont speak or even look at each other if we dont have to. Minelisse hit it right on the nose. You will lose this man if you try to make yourself more important than his child.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Hate to say it hun but I think you are getting upset over nothing. If you take on a partner with a child you have a lot of stuff to deal with and you have to be mature and secure if you are to deal with it, or find yourself without that baggage. You see if he wanted to be with her - well they've been apart for 11 years - don't you think he'd have done something about that by now? BUT they do have a son in common and yes, when he goes to the school open evening THEY are his parents, and they are a team, it is and always will be that way. THEY are the childs guardians, they created him, he is part of both of them. So when the child is involved it is WE, it has to be because they are BOTH involved, and you should be happy you have a man who cares enough to go to the school evenings, cus so many men don't bother, so be proud of the caring guy you have. When he drops the kid off at school or whatever, is it so bad he chats with her? Better than them fighting and making the kids life a misery. He will love you a whole lot more if you understand him and support him in his efforts to help the kid through school etc. No he's not your child. You don't have to get involved if you don't want to, it sounds like he has 2 great parents anyway, but you could try supporting what he is trying to do, cus like I said - he'll think a whole lot more of you if you do. As for you not feeling so important - unfortunately that is your stuff, and he's just there to show you how you feel about yourself. Start to believe that you are a worthy and loveable person - say it to yourself hundreds of times until you start to believe it, then you won't worry so much about who's important or not, you'll just know this other woman is no threat to you. Just for the record - I was in a very long term relationship, and have been apart from my ex for almost 8 years. I have remarried 2 years ago. I have no interest in my ex but we too have 2 daughters and we meet up on birthdays, christmas, etc, and its good to chat with him, see how his life is. Still doesn't mean I want him back. We ended our contract. I've moved on now. Doesn't mean I can't be civil to a man I was previously married to though. Thats far better than all the back stabbing and nastiness that is so common in these cases. Start to realise your own worth, then they can't threaten you - why would he want beefburger when he has steak at home???? You'll be fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I wouldn't exactly say you're being pathetic, but you do seem to have an irrational attitude to all this.
You're not an outsider where his son is concerned, but he and his ex are a team, as you suggest, and good for them that this is the way things are - their boy can only benefit from that. If they were at war he would not.
I get the feeling you can't see the wood for the trees, and you need to stand back a few yards at look at the whole picture. Parenting is not some sort of competition to engage in.
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (13 June 2008):
 he only says we and us because hes talking to you about her. i mean you cant expect him to say "me and my ex" ever time. it is a "we" and an "us" because it is "there" son. i think you might just feel better if you had a child with him, but im not nesasarely saying you should that but it would probably make you feel better. besides you know he wants you and not her so dont freak out. just be with him and love him, just like he will love you.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Ok... so I'm not gonna call you pathetic because I think this is an ordeal a lot of women go through when their partner has a kid with someone else. However, I do think you are taking it too far. By what you posted he is referring to the parents who is them, yes they, him and her. There is nothing wrong with that (to my point of view). I don't think he is treating you as an outsider he is just talking about his son and his "baby momma" and in those circumstances "they" will always be an "item".
This, however, does not mean he wants anything with her or she with him. This relationship was over 11 years ago!! If they were to have a comeback, it would have happened by now!
My mother had this same situation with most of my father's girlfriends. She (my mom) had 3 kids (all of us a handful) and she'd have to call my dad for financial or emotional support (he did have something to do with us being born). And most of the other girlfriends had an issue with that. Sadly enough this had a great impact on us because we didn't want to be with them (the stepmothers) as they didn't really like us and sometimes made comments about my mom. I think only one of them understood, and as you can imagine, I had a great relationship with her. She came home and talked to my mom and they would trash my dad together and laugh. My mother had no intention, ever, to go back to my dad. It was not her fault that it didn't work out, she just wanted the best for us. And, if she had to ask for something for us it would be between my father and her and the other person might have felt like an outsider, but it was just NOT her call!!
You have a choice here... to feel secure enough of what you have with your boyfriend and slowly enter into the family/taking care of the kid dynamics or continuing to be insecure over something that has no ulterior meaning (at least from your post). The second choice will likely end your relationship as if you make him choose between you and the kid he will probably pick him (my dad always did, although it took him a while). He needs to communicate with the mother, and unless the communication goes something like "I can't wait to see you tonight", I wouldn't worry about it. Try to be understanding with him. You chose him and you knew he had a son. Get ready for the teenage years... then you will see how much of a handful a kid could be!
Good luck and get rid of the jealousy!!
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