A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI hope you can help me as I just don't know how to play this situation that I am in.My fella and I have been together 6 months, he has kids from a previous relationship. I haven't met them yet, as I thought its best to take things slow, for their sake and mine. It has got to the point now that I speak on the phone to his son and daughter who are just lovely.I ring my fella just to hear them!My fella and his ex have been broke up 3 years - his youngest can't remember mummy and daddy being together. She is now with someone else (they have been on/off for years) and her fella plays a role in their lives. So there is the background, a few months ago, she messaged me telling me she will make my life hell. I then heard nothing after that. Now, she is telling my fella she is raising the maintenance as she can't afford to pay her way (after buying a brand new telly and going on holiday). My fella pays for her car, gives more than what the CSA pays and takes the kids out everyday playing golf, football, dancing etc. Today, she has told him she doesn't want me meeting the kids. Fortunately my bloke defends me every step of the way. There has been no mention of me meeting them either.I personally think things are going to get worse before better, but I just need advice on this situation. Am I in the running to get hurt big time even though he loves me.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 January 2012):
Things might get a little worse, but I don't see anything here that suggests you're going to ultimately get your heart broken. There's nothing at all that she can do to stop him seeing you, and the best thing to do is keep all her texts, emails, communications etc, and just threaten her with court if it gets worse. She can't force your boyfriend to pay more, and if she does he can again just take her to court.
She's probably one of these women who wants to control everything, but in trying will only land herself in trouble. I had an aunt like this - when she divorce my uncle she tried all sorts of tricks, right up until the point where she was taken to court for harassment, and the CSA told my uncle only to pay the amount they set.
Have faith in your man - he's sticking up for you. And keep anything she sends in case you need to use it in evidence. Ultimately, she'll screw herself if she continues this way.
Also, though you can't tell your boyfriend to reduce the amount, you could gently suggest that he has the amount checked - that way he might not have to pay as much.
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (12 January 2012):
As a mother, I can see how it must be hard to accept that another woman is going to be part of her kids lives. But you would think that she could be more reasonable seeings as she has a new man herself playing the dad role. I'm wondering if she is jealous of the relationship between her ex and you, and whether she harbours feelings for him still. I suggest you do the really grown up thing and ask to meet her for a coffee and a chat regarding WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILDREN. Any reasonable adult would respond to that. Sometimes these things can be diffused quite quickly when face to face conversations occur. Good luck and I hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): It doesnt sound as if there is any risk that he will return to his ex wife, so i dont think you will get hurt. It does sound as if his ex is jealous of you though and might try making mischief. So look out for that!
She cant raise child support on a whim. Just ask your partner to pay the required amount via the CSA. That way there is proof he is paying towards their upkeep and he knows the children are getting the required amount. If he sees his children every day, he also sees his ex wife. She might be worried he will stop calling for the children now he is in a serious relationship. Also he might have been acting as a surrogate hubby until you came along, ie doing chores for her and helping around the house. She might be worried all that will stop now. To a degree that sort of thing will need to stop as a man cant please two women at the same time and he should be concentrating on you now. All these things will have a bearing on how she feels. Just ignore her and encourage your partner to pay for the children through the CSA and continue seeing them. His ex wife will eventually move on once she knows you wont be scared away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): She is being controlling and trying to keep your man close so if things don't work out for her she has him to fall back on. I think she will try to cause trouble and use the kids to do it which is unfair to everyone but especially the kids. She doesn't want to lose the extra money that he gives her above that which he is legally obligated to pay and is worried that as your relationship with gets even more serious it might change. In every relationship we run the risk of getting hurt, it's part and parcel of being in a relationship, the thing you need to ask is whether you feel he is worth running the risk of getting hurt. I agree things are likely to get worse before they get better, the thing is your man is standing up to you every step of the way, so I suggest talking to him honestly about the situation and see if you can come up with a plan to tackle the situation together, so you know your both on the same page. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (12 January 2012):
I definitely think that his ex is being unreasonable. They are her kids as well, but he does have the right to introduce them to whoever he likes. Sounds like this girl has a bit of jealousy issues and protective issues.
In the long run, I don't think you are running to get hurt. It sounds like your guy is being a fantastic and devoted father to them and if you're already talking on the phone with them and they're not minding it? You're well on your way to meeting them and having a good relationship with them. I thin that this is something your guy and his ex need to figure out and something that he needs to explain to her- it is not your responsibility to deal with her at all.
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