A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:things have been rocky with my boyfriend lately. Our last fight was on our anniversary-month. He came over surprise me with a flower, letter and chocolate and in turn I gave him letter and a key chain bear. He told me he had to wake up 7am in the morning for an pharmacy event but I didn't thought it was a big deal to watch one movie before bed because we always sleep super late and go class early. He notice I was sad and I told him its because we keep fighting that the only time we hang out is late nights just going to bed and waking up for class. And so during movies, he was trying to cheer me up saying he just wants me to be happy. When we was going to bed, he asked could I hold him for once his way ( its him sleeping straight while I'm holding him on the side). I told him I didn't like that way because my neck hurts the very next day : He complained saying so what can you just do it, I always held you. So I put my pillow on his chest and fell asleep, five minute later, he push me away and say get rid of that pillow I complained that I don't like sleeping on his chest without one and he said nevermind and got angry. I felt uncomfortable so I left the bedroom to sleep in the living room. Two minutes later he came out and started scolding me that I am horrible and selfish for not sleeping his way, that he did everything for me today and I was inconsiderate to want to watch the movie before bed (even though he asked me first before he came over)and that what I got upset over was stupid because why did we need to do anything together, it's like I need to do something to be happy with him (and I told him no thats not what I meant) and the last thing he said was I am leaving thank you its 4am and I am still awake. I starting tearing as he pack his bag about to leave. He took the letter I gave him and was about to write something bad when I took it back saying I meant what I wrote. He got more angry and took his letter and tore it up and flew the key chain bear I got him. I was so crushed that I cried and ran in the bathroom. After awhile he knock the door a few times and the last knock he apologize and said his going. I came out I couldn't find the bear but the letter from me and him was on the table and he wrote I'm sorry and I love you too. I was so hurt by everything that happen that I ripe everything he got me and threw everything away. Do you think its my fault? and I should apologize or I should drop all contact with him and not answer to any of his calls and block him ? this isn't the first time we fought like this and I wanting to make sure it is really not my fault like how he always ends up to blame me ?
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (16 October 2011):
 The exchange that you described in your initial post is a variation of what I hear frequently when I volunteer for a domestic violence hotline.
There are spats, and that is normal. Shoving your partner around because s/he did not sleep the way you wanted them to is NOT normal. Minimizing the fact that you chose not to sleep that way because it HURTS YOU makes this even worse, frankly.
I've got to ask: if you feel that he will not change (and statistics tend to back you up on that intuition), then why are you still seeing him? What are you getting out of a relationship that clearly is not meeting your emotional and safety needs?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I did tell him go to sleep the way he likes and I'll go to sleep the way I like and its no big deal. But he gets all upset and angry with me, as soon as I don't show affectionate, he thinks I don't love him and I don't what to do to stop that train of thoughts in his mind. I didn't force him to watch movies either, but if I wanted to watch movie without him while he goes to bed, he wouldn't like that either. He expect me to go to bed together with him and it upset me. I don't know how to change his perspective on the situation and to be honest I'm afraid that his attitude on that will never change because we fight about similar things like this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2011):
 Huh? Where is it in the rules that you have to sleep stuck to each other in the first place?? I'm talking to both of you...you both have to fall asleep trying to pick each other's ways of being stuck together?
I have an idea! Don't be stuck together! This sounds less like selfishness and more like jockeying for power in the relationship to be honest. I hear about fights like this happening when people spend too much time together being joined at the hip, and it was probably healthy that he left for a bit. Not because he was right and you were wrong, but because what a dumb thing to fight about!
Relationships are about FREEDOM, not ritual and doing things each other's way and getting mad about requirements and expectations.
First of all, if he had to go to bed early and get up really early, why push him for a movie unless he falls asleep to the TV? If you could get up later than him, then don't make it an unbreakable rule that the two of you HAVE to go to sleep at the same time stuck to each other.
Your relationship sounds ultra-smothery, to be honest, and these fights happen when that happens. If he has to get up, then watch TV in the other room unless he can fall asleep to the TV! And likewise, why fall asleep stuck to each other? Just fall asleep! It's not a blow to your relationship closeness.
My advice is to lighten up on each other. Relationships are about freedom, and if you feel him pulling away, don't go crowding him or running after him because the high intensity isn't being kept up. Go easy! Relationships have an ebb and a flow. Be secure in the ebbs and the flows will be sweeter, get it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I know how it feels to have him get mad at you like that, but I do think that you were a tiny bit selfish in the sense that you didn't do exactly as he asked the only thing he asked you to do for him. It happened to me once when he told me to pick up his favorite chocolate and I failed to do so, because I thought another one was better. I didn't think about how he would feel because I just thought that I was right. When I told him, he got mad and told me to not bother getting any chocolate for him anymore. However I didn't understand, since for me it was MY gift to HIM. But he made me realize that when he asks you for something in specific, he'd be extremely happy if you comply to his choice, because he'll think that you trust him and respect him enough. Now the keywords here are TRUST and RESPECT. He is a very sensitive guy and didn't want to hurt me so he explained himself: whenever I want something he always tries to get it for me, so if I didn't do the same, it's as if I took him for granted. He said he was also selfish and immature for getting upset, but I understood the little baby in him who only wanted a box of chocolate. I don't ever want to take the one I love for granted, so I told him that I do respect him, trust him and love him in every single way. At the end I brought him the original chocolate bar and he happily shared with me, telling me that he loves it. :) If there's one thing I want you to understand from my experience, it's that we both need our little moments where one takes care of the other. He's the man, so he does more for you and protects you whenever trouble comes, since it makes him feel strong, and able to protect the one he loves. However, if sometimes he wants to be comforted in a certain way, he'll be extremely thankful if you did what he asked you for. I think it's a great form of mutual respect and I've learnt to never let the same thing happen again.
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A
female
reader, Rawrsie +, writes (16 October 2011):
 What he said sounds like a spur of a moment. As his head clears later on he realizes that he should apologize. So he did. You should also apologize and take back the stuff you threw away. You'll regret that. You two just need some time and space for awhile then come back to each other. The relationship will feel refreshed. It also sounds like you really love him :).
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 Personally I couldn't bear to sleep like that all night. Why don't you suggest that you cuddle up together for a while and then get comfortable to sleep. I understand where he was coming from with the movie though. I struggle to go to bed late and then get up early in the morning. Both of you are being selfish in your own ways and the only way to resolve it is to talk about it calmly and rationally and make some compromises.
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