A
female
age
30-35,
*riSa
writes:He found out that I was an escort for 2 months, before our faithful and meaningful relationship. We love each other more than anything, because we are both each other's first love. I feel extremely sorry and disgusting for what I did and I wished the world never knows about it, because I was stupid and unreasonable, it's not who I am or who I want to be. All I want is a family and a quiet happy life with the one I love. I wish those things never happened.He talked to me face to face...I knew something was up when he said that we needed to talk about something in my past. I just never thought he could find out. Here's the story: my mother is using the old number I used to contact those men. three days ago, one of the men called. I immediately felt disgusting and unworthy of my BF again. I thought he found me on Facebook, so I deleted every information that might tell him where I am or who I am. I also changed the email address on Facebook. My boyfriend who's been having trust issues recently with me felt strange and wanted to find out by himself. He hacked into one of my old email accounts and he saw the disgusting messages I tried to forget. We had a long agonizing conversation where both of us were heartbroken and crying...He told me that he loves me no matter what, but he needs time to think before he makes a decision. I understand him perfectly well, because it is the hardest thing that ever happened to him. But I am dying here because I'm just so scared that I might lose him. He and my mother are all I've got, and I can't lose him this easily. He made me the person I am now: I trust people, I'm much less judgmental, I'm nice and I have a lot of empathy toward others. He makes my life so much better, that I consider him God's gift to me, for moving on from those disgusting things in my past...I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help me, and help him, because I'm not sure if he can find the strength to work our relationship out. I'm willing to do absolutely anything to work it out because he's the biggest source of joy in my life and I cherish him more than anything!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): wait... He hacked into your email account? Im sorry thats a major invasion of privacy regardless of what industry you worked in prior to the relationship. You were an escort in the past and its unfair to punish someone for things they did BEFORE you. He sounds not only immature and insecure but sexually immature as well. I dont see this relationship lasting ... Not bc you werent a virgin when you met him but bc he has major trust issues. JMO though.
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female
reader, AriSa +, writes (23 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello JH. First, I want to thank you again for the last answer you posted. I think that you are right to say that the more my boyfriend and I do together, the less we'll think about my past. However, what I meant by "the things I do" is the things I do for him (we try to do fun stuff in bed). He sometimes imagines me doing things to him while we fool around and what I am afraid of is that he might be thinking of me, doing the things I to do him, to other men. It scares me the most because I can't control how he thinks. Lately I've tried to get intimate with him and I'm sure that he liked it a lot. We still haven't made love just yet because of some complications. When we are playing around, all I want to do is to show him that I love him. I don't think that I've been playing the role of an "impromptu pornstar" but I guess a part of me still feels guilty. But what reassures me is that we normally cuddle a lot and we still do. I guess it'll take time before I can get over it fully...
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (23 October 2011):
I think you meant "the things you did" in your last sentence? Remember, it is history, and the more you do together the further into the past it will go. It sounds like you are both very close and sensitive people. You can be pretty certain that the thoughts you have also happen in his head. ]You have to try to avoid your thoughts from affecting how you talk and act. Don't go silent because you are thinking ahead on what to say or how to react, and if you feel like he is doing the same you need to bring him back to now. If you don't know what to say just touch him lovingly and say thank you, thank you for being you and being here for me. You have to accept that he's got hurt and you may well have broken some of his dreams about girls, love, and sex. Try and make love, not have sex. When you are kissing and cuddling just let it carry on naturally and make love. Don't, whatever you do, go into an I must please him mode, like youre an impromptu porn star. He will notice and think bad stuff and probably lose interest. But, if you are making love he wont do that because he knows you didn't love those guys.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (22 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. I just wanted to let you know that my boyfriend, being the sweet caring man he is, came over to my place to surprise me for my birthday. He told me that he's been planning this for weeks!! I was so happy to see him because it's been a rough week and I definitely needed a cheer-me-up. We haven't really approched the subject of my past lately, but I told him that I hope he doesn't hide his emotions if he is hurt. I think that talking about it is the only thing that can make him accept and understand my past mistakes. I am also trying to forgive myself and sometimes I find myself feeling guitly for the things I've done when I am intimate with my boyfriend. I hope this isn't going to be a problem because he doesn't seem to be bothered when we "played around" yesterday PM. I am confident that our love is strong enough to surpass this whole incident, but I am also worried that we might have problems in the sexual department. We used to have a lot of sex before he learnt about my past but now I am afraid that he might think that I am...a slut. I told him that I want to do such and such things just for him, and that only he can turn me on, because it's true, but I am still afraid to make love to him. I wonder to myself: "what if he imagines me doing the things I do to other men?" and I am scared to do anything sexual, unless he is the one starting. Please help me get over my fear.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (20 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, everyone that's been helping me. I'm so glad that all of you are helping my boyfriend and I to move on from our past. I believe that if I want to gain his trust back, I do, most certainly to tell him the truth. However, I also don't want to hurt him. I've made it clear to him that if he is going to be too hurt, I'd rather not tell him. However, I definitely do not want to tell him more than he needs to know. When he asks me a question, I promptly answer in the most respectful manner and I remind him that I am not the same as I was, and I love him more than anything. We are gradually getting as close to each other as before, and I am so glad that things turned out this way. I will, however, need your help in the future, because this is very hard for us and I am grateful to find the both of you on DC. Thank you very much.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (20 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, everyone that's been helping me. I'm so glad that all of you are helping my boyfriend and I to move on from our past. I believe that if I want to gain his trust back, I do, most certainly to tell him the truth. However, I also don't want to hurt him. I've made it clear to him that if he is going to be too hurt, I'd rather not tell him. However, I definitely do not want to tell him more than he needs to know. When he asks me a question, I promptly answer in the most respectful manner and I remind him that I am not the same as I was, and I love him more than anything. We are gradually getting as close to each other as before, and I am so glad that things turned out this way. I will, however, need your help in the future, because this is very hard for us and I am grateful to find the both of you on DC. Thank you very much.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (19 October 2011):
I'd like to remind you of something important that Yos wrote earlier, that you need to come to terms yourself with what you did, forgive yourself for doing something you regret. You can't expect your bf to get calm and collected whilst you reflect pain and remorse. Now that you are where you are, your bf does need to know enough to feel that a) you are being straight with him, and b) there is nothing else lurking to worry about. It seems to be human nature that we amplify our fears, this was probably helpful when we feared being eaten by bears or wolves, but not much help now. So yes talk, but somehow in a calm, matter of fact sort of way, and maybe he will think that actually it wasn't as bad as he imagined. Hopefully you didn't have to do anything abusive or well, perverted, but if so you have to probably avoid mentioning it and definately avoid sounding vague. If you feel like he's going to keep asking questions maybe at the right moment you set the scene and say that you know he wants to keep asking but can we just talk about it now and then draw a line and begin to forget because it hurts too much to keep going back. Pleased that it could be working out ok for you.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Obsession is a fire. Details are wood. The more details he has, the stronger his fire will burn.
Not only that, but when obsessing in this way, the mind distorts reality to fit its jealous illusions. Each detail not only provides more fuel for the obsession, but becomes a 'fact' that gets twisted and misinterpreted.
The less specific details he knows the better: it will save him a great deal of pain.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (18 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. I want to thank you all for the insightful inputs, as they have helped me a lot. I talked to my boyfriend today, and we've decided that we are going to try to work things out. I told him I know that it takes time, and I will patiently wait for him. I told him that I love him no matter what, and he told me the same. We are going to work very hard together, as we are both in very difficult situations, but we want each other's happiness nonetheless. He made me promise him that I will never lie to him ever again, and it is a commitment I want to make. I think that it is so much easier to not hide things and just say things the way you want to. It is hard to not tell him what he wants to know about my past, but I've let him know that it is going to hurt him if he knows too much. He gets obsessed very easily and it is hard for him to forget things. I really don't want to indulge him in his pain, as Yos said earlier, so please tell me how I can make him understand that is it better if he doesn't know the details? He has trouble trusting me, after what has happened, and I want to do everything that I can so that we can gradually get his trust back. I really need help on this because it is hard for him to trust anybody. He told me that I am the one who made him believe in love, where we can trust each other, and it makes me feel guilty for lying to him. I know that I need to move on, but I am not the only one. He would also need to move on from it and the only thing that'll help is time. I really want to make this work, so please give me more of your valuable insight. Thanks to everyone.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (18 October 2011):
Well as you say, he's going to want to dig and you have a problem. You can plain refuse to talk, you can lie, (but he will probably realise), you can say it hurts too much and cry,but all of these will fuel his fear and imagination that something even more abusive than he can think of happened to the person he loves. So it kinda looks like some exchange of facts is going to have to happen. Unfortunately you didn´t delete the emails before he found them so there is already probably more information than he actually needs. Remember nothing you can say will stop him hurting. The pain is from shock from discovering what happened to the person he loves. We can discuss whether he has a right to be shocked, or who is responsible, but that isn't relevant. The problem than you have to overcome is that although this happened in the past for you, for your boyfriend its new information, without perspective, and it is completely overwhelming any rational thought. He won't be able to think the pain away, nor will you talk it away. It could be a year before it is in his past. As I said earlier, you need to amplify the reality of now, what you both have now and how much you love each other. Its gonna take a whole lot of loving, but I hope it works for you. JH
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reader, AriSa +, writes (18 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a question to Yos for his last post:
Yos, you said that I shouldn't give him facts, and I understand that if I do he will only be more hurt, however I also wanted to know the important reasons behind the refusal? My boyfriend likes to dig, as you can see with the hacking, and I am afraid that it is going to be hard to resist to his interrogational pursuit of the truth. I could tell him that it is going to hurt both of us, but I am not sure I can think of another reason. Thanks in advance.
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reader, Yos +, writes (18 October 2011):
"I also talked to my mentor who told me to do what my heart tells me to, which is why I'm making baby steps to communicate with him."
Be careful with this advice.
Men and women have very different psychology when it comes to this situation. What feels 'right in a woman's heart' is not at all what feels right in a mans'.
I have seen this over and over again: the communication between a man and a woman in similar situations to you making things worse not better.
Some advice when discussing this with him:
- Do not give him any factual or specific details about what happened in your past. Do not describe situations, acts, do not name men, etc. He will want to know this stuff most likely, do NOT tell him. This is very important for many reasons.
- It is ok to discuss your emotions at that time. How you were feeling. Keep it always and only about you and your feelings.
- Do not allow any blame to be put on you. Do not label yourself as 'bad' or 'immoral' or 'wrong'. Do not judge anything: only emotions should be discussed and they are beyond judgement. Do not blame yourself, and do not let him blame you.
- If you see him getting angry, jealous, or judgemental, do not continue and avoid him until he is feeling ok again.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (18 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Yos and JustHelpingAgain for your posts! It is really helpful and even calming that there is people out there who are helping me. I'm glad to have asked my question, and I came to the right place. Right now, I am trying to express my own opinion on our relationship to him. However I want to make sure that he is ready because there is a pace to everything. What I believe in, is that our love is stronger than what happened. I know that it is hard for him to live through it, and I understand, but what I wish for the most, is for him to see that together, we can heal each other's pain easier than if he had to do it alone. I also talked to my mentor who told me to do what my heart tells me to, which is why I'm making baby steps to communicate with him. In fact, I didn't think that leaving him alone to think was a bad idea. But my mentor made me understand that he might just be at the same stage as I am, only he isn't making the first move. My boyfriend is a big softie (don't tell him I said that) and I thought maybe I can make the first move for him and see how it goes.
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reader, Yos +, writes (17 October 2011):
Arisa, I recommend you buy and read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Chain-Self-Esteem-Marilyn-Sorensen/dp/0966431502
As for your boyfriend: his pain is not your responsibility. He has to learn to accept his feelings himself. You can by sympathetic towards him of course, but don't support or indulge his pain.
You two need to do some fun stuff together to take your minds off this.
One further thought. It's easy to get trapped in the past. This is partly because we keep the past as 'the present' in our minds. We relive those past moments and past feelings over and over.
A think I found helpful was to remind myself that we are not the same person as we were back then. We are really not the same person. Every day we are reborn, the past consigned only to memories. If we chose to let those memories go then the past itself ceases to exist. There is only 'now'. And the future is the only thing worth spending time thinking about. It's only your thinking about the past that is keeping it alive. Let it go and it will disappear.
In a very real sense, your past may as well have happened to someone else. In a very real sense it did. You are not that person anymore, you are someone else. Someone different.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (17 October 2011):
Dear AriSa, please stop beating youself up, it really doesnt help. Read again the words of Yos, then accept what you did and why you did it. So you gave sex to strangers for money? well guess what, my wife, like many woman, did it for a beer or two and a couple of completments. Not with me I should add, and she suffers a similar remorse over her past. But what to do? True you can do nothing about what has happened, but I disagree with all the people who say ones past should be of no consequence to a partner. Loving and caring and being intimate with a partner brings the confidence of feeling like you know all about them and they about you. This is part of building trust and faith. When something feels out of place, a comment, a reaction, etc, can cause a need to confirm if there is something or nothing amis. To this length we, men and women, do whatever we need to allay our doubts. Phone numbers and call logs, sms, emails, photos, letters, etc all provide info to confirm or disconfirm the uncertainty.
Some people do say they don't care what there partner did or does but I doubt they really mean that in its literal sense.
I can certainly understand the shock and problem you and your boyfriend are experiencing, the only way you can get over this is to talk and explain and realise that you didn't get sick or emotionally damaged from what you did, unlike many young women looking for love through casual relationships. However for your boyfriend it is going to be hard to accept that the person he loves and cherishes above everything else was other guys slut. The two of you have to avoid a downward spiral of self confidence, instead be proud of the love you have and get strength from the happiness you can have together. You will learn that life brings many evens that you will look back on and think I should have done something differently. Your past that upsets you is like a car crash you nearly had, but didn't. You're a bit scared and shaken but there is no real damage and you're still on the road. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): Making an appointment with a psychologist at school sounds like a good start. When your boyfriend's ready to talk, I'd also have an in depth talk about your past with him. You might not be able to get him, back, but you can at the very least give him honesty and a better sense of what happened and why...I thinks that probably the only thing you can do to lesson his pain. I'm a firm believer in that getting over your past, you have to understand it.
Good luck.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (16 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you mishmash and Yos for your input. I do realize that I have rather low self-esteem...and I usually rely on others to judge myself. However I really don't see how I can forgive myself when I've hurt them so much, my mother and him, and even myself. I can't forget those things, and I don't know how long it'll take me. What I am sure of, is that because of these two loving people in my life, I have realized I could be better and I am working on becoming what I really can be as a human being. My childhood hasn't been easy, and I know that everyone have problems with their own. I think that it's what affects me the most, however I can't be sure. I have made an appointment with the psychologist at school to talk about this. I've talked to other professionals about this and they are telling me that it isn't my fault that I got sexually assaulted at a young age, and it isn't my fault that I did the escorting. I didn't even know what I was getting into and I was just desperate for money. But now I know that love and care from your cherished ones are what matters in life and that is why I don't want to give up on this gorgeous relationship. I will do my best to forgive myself and move on, but that doesn't mean I should leave my boyfriend in pain. I love him and I want him to be happy, either with me, or without.
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reader, Yos +, writes (16 October 2011):
You need to forgive yourself before you can expect your boyfriend to let this go. If you carry the guilt around in your heart, he's going to feel that.
He may not be able to get over this. There are few men around strong enough to love a former escort.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): OP,I'm not arguing that your relationship is superficial and isn't deep just because you're young. I'm worried about the fact that you rely so heavily on him and seem to think your life is worthless without him when you're so young. Why did you do escorting? Was it for the money? Or were you hoping for some sort of approval? It's easy just to call it disgusting and try to forget about, but I think it's important you examine that. To me is sounds like you wanted some sort of approval in the end. I noticed in your last post you wrote how your mother also approves of your relationship. And it seems you're terrified of his disapproval which is why you lied to him in the first place.I read your post about you wanted to make things better between you and your boyfriend, but I think you have bigger issues; you should really to try to find a life where you aren't relying on people's approval. I think that's the source of your problems. It's what (probably) got you into escorting. It's what made you lie to your boyfriend.How can you make things better between your boyfriend? Like you said, I don't know him or the dynamic between you two. You could be very much in love. But even if that were the case, you've lied, he's told you he has trouble trusting you, and he hasn't been so trustworthy himself with the hacking. Being able to trust someone is a prerequisite for being in a relationship...even at 18. There's nothing you can do except respect the fact that he needs time to think this out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): @Moos mum, It's not right to hack her e-mail, however would she confessed? I don't think so. I have found out my ex gf used to cheat on her ex husband with an ex boyfriend, and I have found out she used to cheat on me with two other dudes, if I did not read her e-mails she left on, I would never know and I could catch her herpes, but thank to God I have found out and get tested for STD's. People have the right to know with who they are dealing with.
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reader, AriSa +, writes (16 October 2011):
AriSa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify about what the two other readers have answered:@Moo's Mum: I do agree with you about the hacking part, and he admitted that it was wrong and if he didn't, everything would've been fine. But in my point of view, if we loved each other, there has to be a way for him to find out anyhow! What if we continued and one day...it's just too late to tell him? I don't think I'd be able to live with the guilt, as I am already in such pain now.@mishmash: I realized that it was disgusting and wrong long before I met my BF, but I am also afraid of his judgement. You might think I'm too young and the relationship isn't as deep as some others, but that doesn't mean it means less to the both of us. I don't depend on him for everything, and we go to the same school. My mother knows that I am grateful to her and she also wants me to be with him, because she sees how happy we make each other. He is a good person, he makes me realize so many good sides of me, he wakes up the mother in me and I feel safe with him. I know how it feels to be used and forgotten and I know that he'll never do it to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): I know you're worried to pieces about losing your boyfriend, but if you are in fact just 18 to 21 years old, you have a long life ahead of you and I feel you should really worry about yourself at the moment.
You admit you were an escort for 2 months and you think it was disgusting, but do you admit that because you are afraid of his judgment or have you made the decision yourself that don't want that kind of life? I'm not trying to doubt the sincerity of your feelings for him, but your past DOES influence how you perceive men. You're quite young and your past doesn't have to be your future.
Here is what bothered me from your post: "He and my mother are all I've got, and I can't lose him this easily. He made me the person I am now"
You give him too much credit...In this case, it seems you think this guy is your ticket out of your former life.
A word of advice to you: Never live your life through men. Always have something to support yourself without them...because as complicated and as fickle as they make out women to be, they are exactly the same way. I'm not trying to be a man-hater, I'm just saying it's not realistic to think that just because you date a man, you are embarking on a new and improved incarnation of your life. Life changes come from you, not from the men you date. You want to change your life? Move in with your mom and go to university; don't live through a man.
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 I'm a tad concerned about the fact he hacked into your account. That screams red flag to me! What right has he got to do something like this. It's creepy.
Also everyone has a past aand if he can't deal with yours then I'm sorry but he's not the right man for you.
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