A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,Hope you are doing well in these strange times.Please could I ask your advice on seeking a partner/new relationship?I've been feeling fed up for some time now and just wish I could find a new partner to settle down with.I am a Mum to one (teen) and have basically put my love life on hold for some time now. Reason being, I was with somebody for 9 years from my son being a toddler. When that fell apart he just disappeared and I felt guilty for letting me son be hurt by this (he was attached to my partner).Fast forward a little and I think i'd like to try dating again in the hope of finding somebody to settle down with. The problem is I am completely shy and riddled with anxiety when it comes to meeting people.I have a decent job, would say i'm not a bad person and I think i'm okay looking. The flip side is that whilst my job is okay, i'm stuck in a team that's very clicky which leaves me feeling like an outsider. I don't have any friends really and I live 20 miles away from all of my family.I realise the social anxiety is my own problem but where do I start with meeting a prospective partner with this in mind? Just to add, I have tried internet dating sites but they leave me feeling worse to be honest. I just find it very superficial and full of creeps.Many thanks for reading if you've gotten this far, I really appreciate your feedback.
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male
reader, Jackpot42 +, writes (11 August 2020):
I totally understand your predicament. I was short of confidence myself and I think had mild social anxiety. I avoided social situations, didn’t feel comfortable approaching people and generally felt there was no hope of meeting anyone. But like others have said it will most likely happen when you least expect it. It did for me although unfortunately things didn’t work out in the long run.
You just need to try and work on your confidence, joining a club, pushing yourself to go out after work with your colleagues. I know taking yourself out of your comfort zone is easier said than done.
There are plenty of ways to make friends, even on this site you can talk to like minded people who are keen to help and support.
Good luck and feel free to get in touch...
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (11 August 2020):
 I think its important before you start dating again, or want to get out there with the potential to meet someone is that you are ok with yourself.
I appreciate that you had a difficult relationship, a lot of people have. You have to make sure this relationship is completely behind you, now looking forward and not back.
I think its important not to rush things, concentrate on working on yourself and getting yourself into a good feeling place. I think sometimes when we meet people from a no so good feeling place we attract people who are emitting the same vibrations we are. But if you are totally happy and have learnt to love yourself you will be in a good space to meet someone nice.
Start some hobbies maybe, do an evening class. D0 things to gain confidence in being around people. Talk to your neighbours, chat to some colleagues. After practice things will become easier.
I'm a believer that we meet our potential partner's when we least expect it. Almost when we stop looking infact. Embrace life, love yourself, Use affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a beautiful person inside and out. that you are worthy of love, and that there if your perfect partner out there that will love you. Love yourself, then let those love vibrations emit into the world around you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): I feel for you and understand but you are trying to jump from point A to point Z. If social anxiety makes it hard to get friends it will make it even harder or even impossible to find a good and worthwhile partner. You might find a man who picks up that you are lacking in confidence and anxious fairly easily but the odds are he is just after sex, got mental health problems, unemployed and got nothing to contribute financially, manipulative and bossy, perhaps a married man trying to take advantage, nothing worth bothering with.
Before you can get a man who is worth having - i.e. single, working and able to contribute as much as you, normal, honest, you need to be whole. You cannot expect this lovely man - who can easily get a whole woman - to turn them down for you. I am sorry that sounds harsh but it is true. No man is going to come along to repair and mend you - not only is he not experienced and qualified but that is not what he is looking for. He is looking for love, romance, passion, sex and friendship, togetherness, not some unpaid job as a therapist/counsellor. And believe me many get into relationships in the hope that if they "repair" their new partner all will be rosy. Of course it never happens because they are not qualified therapists and out of their depth. But in the meantime they may make the situation worse or simply go through hell and drama they could have avoided. You also need to be sure you are whole before you get with a man so that he cannot look down his nose at you and feel superior. That way you are equals.
I know what you mean about dating sites. But it depends which ones you use. If you have a good job you can go to the better ones where you pay to be a member and only hear from men who paid. Not men who are just wanting nude photos and wnking online or sex meets. Not losers.
Fulfill your true potential first. That way when you do meet a man it has a real chance of working out. Otherwise if you go into a relationship anxious the odds are it goes wrong, it ends, and you feel even worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): Read your post and look how you bunched everything together and discouraged yourself from even trying. This went wrong, and that went wrong; but this might go wrong, or that won't work. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
You mentioned how your child was affected by a failed-relationship, how cliquish everyone is at work, you're placing pressure on yourself to find a partner; but then you mention you have no friends! With all of this, you tell us you get shy and panicky when you meet new people. Do you see how you bundle your fears, and then set yourself a very high goal to conquer? All this; while you're crushed under the weight of what could go-wrong.
The relationship didn't work. That is life. Bad-things happen, and we run into bad-people. You are not to blame for that. Fortunately, your child is now a teenager; and not a little-kid anymore. If you haven't been seeking therapy for your anxiety and tendency to withdraw; now is the time. How can people who've never met you tell you how to meet people? You have to be able to execute the advice and put it to use.
It's a big leap from not having any friends to seeking a partner and a committed-relationship. It might be good to practice by easing your way back into social situations.
Try to be neighborly, attend parents meetings at your kid's school, attend your chosen place of worship...all when these things are again possible to do. Go to family-celebrations, attend social-gatherings to be among small groups. Bearing in-mind, we're still in a pandemic; and social-distancing and wearing masks is going to place all this on-hold for the future. You can use the down-time to devise a plan for the future. Study and read everything you can get your hands on about dealing with social-anxiety. How to open-up and be visible.
You won't just meet someone and immediately get into a relationship. Maybe the last one was an act of desperation; accepting this man into your life too quickly, or before you truly knew him for what he truly is. Desperation and loneliness will put blinders over our eyes; or we'll see things through rose-tinted glasses. We bypass and dismiss red-flags; because we need to be with someone so badly. You'll convince yourself it's tough; so take what you can get. No...no you don't...you don't do that!
Now you're looking for someone to bear the burden of being not only a romantic-partner; but your one and only friend. If things don't work-out romantically; you'll beg his friendship under terrible terms. You'll compromise your values and your dignity; begging for his validation and approval. You've got to make at least one friend. If your son has friends, they have parents. Maybe you should get to know them.
Take it easy on yourself, sweetheart! Your sentiments about online-dating seems to be the general consensus here on DC. More people complain about it, than those who come here to advocate for it. People are so strange and difficult to figure-out these days. No matter how you meet them!
It might be a simpler world; if everyone wasn't a slave to technology, and invaded by the soul-snatching powers of social media. It makes it hard to meet nice single and eligible-people; and not be put-off by their lack of manners, and difficulty with interaction with others. Your impairments might make it more of a challenge. Crawl before you walk! Milk before meat!
You have to try and make a friend. When you can't warm-up to people, you might need a family-member for a wing-man. If you have a busy-body for an aunt, or a friendly older-woman for a neighbor; they always seem to know some single-guy who's a friend of a friend, or son of a friend. Let them know you've decided you'd like to start dating; but you need some help. Your timing isn't the greatest. Considering people are avoiding each-other, or boldly get in your face mask-less!
Chit-chat with people at work. It's just for practice. They can't bite your head off and eat your flesh; I heard that's illegal in the UK. You don't have to join their stupid clique; just get used to approaching people. They may be cliquish, but you're also standoffish! The two don't mix. Somebody has to give.
You make yourself an outsider; because you're awkward with people. When it's safe, you need to find volunteer-work for a charity; or volunteer for some kind of public-service, to expose yourself to people when it's safe to do so.
Get used to being around people, and you'll develop a comfort and confidence. You won't repel people with a vibe that says "don't come near me!" Control shyness, or it will isolate you. Give-in to anxiety, and you'll be ever-wishing for company; but it won't just walk-up to your door and knock. You might have to put yourself out there. Don't give-up on online dating; you have very few options, and you panic when meeting people in-person. You have to start somewhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): One of the ways of dealing with anxiety, when you are not experiencing a difficult episode is to "desensitize" yourself in a "controlled" environment.
My case - fear of driving. A true phobia. So I started taking driving lessons - a car with an instructor is a controlled environment. There was no real emotional investment on my part. I had nothing to prove. There was no responsibility. I just gave myself an opportunity to be exposed to my stress trigger and see that nothing terrible was happening, thus helping myself with the anxiety.
Social anxiety is broad. I too suffer from it but in certain circumstances, fortunately dating was never among them. My husband's "repertoire" is more diverse than mine. He gets anxious at work, at social functions, at our lawyer's office, at family gatherings...
In his case social anxiety comes from his need to be respected and liked. When he feels that he is somehow doing something wrong, because he isn't getting the right feedback, like people laughing at his jokes, always supporting his ideas etc. , he starts feeling anxious. Off course in both of our cases, the very thought about our triggers could bring about the feeling of anxiety. I used to have it just by seeing a car and thinking about how I needed to schedule another driving lesson.
In my case, it's the so called "impostor syndrome". When I hang out with people who are for some reason important in my eyes (I know how stupid this sounds), I sometimes get stressed if I really belong to their "circle". I was a fatherless child in times when unwed mothers were frowned upon. Even though my mom did everything so that I wouldn't feel different, I did feel different and had this need to belong.
So what triggers your anxiety? I'd say lack of self-confidence. So I'd start there. You could work on it, however you think it's best for you.
I think I'm not fit and that I have a few extra pounds. If I were to work on myself confidence, I'd hit the gym and clean up my diet. And find a flattering wardrobe. I was never insecure when it came to my sense of humor and brains... maybe it's the overconfidence thing ;)
You seem like a sensitive person. I see why online dating wouldn't be a good fit for you. There's too much pressure. How about, if you have time, volunteering somewhere? Just being with others and meeting new people without pressure could lessen your anxiety. Or taking up a course? Exposing yourself to stress in a non-threatening environment could do wonders for your anxiety.
Not to mention that you could actually meet someone there and get to know him and he you, before you actually start dating. So there would be no pressure.
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