A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am really struggling with myself at the moment. I don't know whether my doubts are justified or if I'm just having some sort of quarter life crisis. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 years now (since we were 16 and at school!) and many of our friends are getting married etc. My boyfriend talks about marriage a lot but I'm not sure. He is a lovely boyfriend who cares very deeply for me, makes me laugh and understands me more than anyone else. He doesn't cheat , he isn't mean to me and we are on the same page in terms of our values etc. I think I am quite an acquired taste of a girlfriend (I am a worrier) and so I worry that I would find it very difficult to find someone else who understands me just as well. So why am I having doubts?He can be immature compared to my other guy friends - often he behaves in a childish manner when we are out with friends which embarrasses me. I have discussed this with him and he thinks he doesn't.He also isn't very ambitious ...he's been in the same minimum wage job for years whereas I am steadily rising through the ranks of where I work. This worries me in terms of saving for the future etc. My family don't seem to like him...they haven't directly said this but they often make slight remarks etc that make me think this. He also doesn't take much care of his health, which makes me worry for the future as I have several relatives with diabetes etc. I have discussed this on many occasions with him and he always says he'll get healthy but then doesn't do anything about it. At work I met someone who is very much like me and mature and owns their own house etc. I felt very attracted to them, and while I would never cheat it did make me wonder whether I am with the right person or not. My favourite man is my dad, and my boyfriend is nothing like him. I look at my male friends who I am close to, and he's nothing like them either. I currently live with my boyfriend and pretty much all my friends are his also. I can't help but think how significantly my life would change if we split up. The thought of dating terrifies me too. I feel differently about him everyday - some days I can see myself marrying him, other days I really question why we are together. Is it normal to have these doubts ? Is it because I'm 8 years into a relationship and not the honeymoon phase anymore? Or am I with the wrong person?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018): he sounds like a decent type of chap. I think for your sanity, you should consider 3 months apart so you can ascertain whether you would like to spend the rest of your lives together. It sounds like he could be in a rut too. it could be the kick up the butt you both need... You'll have a deeper knowing of yourself and him then. Best of luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2018):
 You have become wrong for each other in time. People meet and " click " at 16 and then they grow up, evolve, change- often in different directions and at a different pace.
Maybe when you both were 16 you found him adorably goofy and endearingly childish- because being like that is OK for a teenager , it's even cute. Let 8 or 10 years pass , and the person who has matured more ( in this case you ) finds annoying and embarassing the partner's juvenile behaviour.
Or, when he was 16 it was ok if he was laid back, more interested in having fun than in planning for a solid future. That's normal !, most school kids are this way. Let them hit 25, and things change. A few individuals are content with being stuck forever in a minimum wage job, but many others have ambitions and would want more out of life in terms of money, status and personal growth.
Now , there's nothing wrong with being content with the status quo. I do not imply that, if he does not earn much, he is a loser. Maybe he is simply a laid back type who finds fulfillment and self realization in other stuff than work and career ; like his friends or hobbies or love life. That's just a way of being, and is neither immoral nor illegal nor antisocial. Just- a person like this needs a partner on the same wavelength- which you are not.
You have outgrown him. And you have trouble accepting that,- that's all. And not just out of love. Well, of course you still have some love and affection and gratitude for a guy who has been and is a caring, loving, understanding bf. But it does not sound as if you are in love. I think you are hesitant out of fear. You are a worrier, and worriers only like safe bets. They really don't like to play without a net. " And what if I don't find anybody else ? What if I remain alone forever ? What if I meet someone else but I am not good enough for him ? what if I meet someone else but he breaks my heart ?", and so on and so forth.
Said brutally, TBH it sounds like you don't even LIKE him that much - you are sort of ashamed of him. But he is a well known entity : safe, predictable and reliable. He is also undemanding- he takes you the way you are , warts and all ( while you can't do the same for him…. )He is like - your insurance policy on love life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018): If you marry him, you'll become his mother. I don't think you're just having doubts; I think you're having growing pains.
You've obviously assessed your lives and the relationship, from your teens to adulthood. You're noticing that he hasn't changed. You've even cited immaturity, lack of ambition, and poor lifestyle-habits as his shortcomings.
Do you realize you've listed some serious deal-breakers? The tone conveyed by your post comes across as "disappointment." He "embarrasses" you around your family and friends. Feeling ashamed of someone is pretty serious, my dear!
You made a small concession by saying how well he knows you and puts up with your ways. Like telling a very plain girl in a beauty pageant that she couldn't possibly win; but she has a nice personality!
He understands you; but so does an old loyal pet, or a dear-old friend. When we talk marriage, you've got to check all the boxes.
I did a little digging, and there is a 78% success-rate for marriage between high school sweethearts lasting about 10 years, or longer. There are a lot of factors that must contribute to this success. If they wait until they're at least 25. That, and not starting-out having any doubts!
When you take your vows, you say "I do!" Not maybe! Nor do you get to skip or postpone that part of the ceremony for later consideration.
It helps when there is a full-understanding where each will stand when it comes to earning income. Who will be the primary bread-winner, or will it be equal-contribution? If and when kids come-along; who will be expected to give-up their job to stay home, as the care-giver for the children?
I suspect your parents would like the guy even less; knowing you have to financially-support him!
You are setting high goals for yourself; and you are meeting those goals. That caused you to look back as what he's doing; in comparison to yourself and everyone else. In short, you're finding fault. He's not checking off enough boxes! You gave him a poor report-card!
In 21st-century modern-families; it's not uncommon for people to switch roles as who stays home to mind the children and keep house; and who goes to work. In many households, women out-earn their male-partners. As you've described him, I wouldn't be too optimistic you'd be happy with that!
You're dissatisfied with his ways; and you're itching to give him a makeover, and redo who he is. Yet give him credit for putting up with you, just as you are. That's where things go completely off-track.
I'll be honest, and call it as I see it. He seems adorable; and you've been with him a long time. He has known you a third of your life. The idea of having to let-go of someone safe and familiar, to search for the unknown, is quite frightening.
Being tolerable of your ways is not enough. You obviously have higher-expectations. I speculate that a marriage would be strenuous for both of you. You're already beginning to take notice of his shortcomings. That's not a good sign!
You can't have doubts about marriage. If you have noticiable differences that are becoming incompatible long before marriage is even a serious thought; it only takes common-sense to realize marriage is a no-go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2018): I think that if you're having to ask the question, then yes, you're with the wrong person.
If he was the right person, you wouldn't need to be asking others what they think of your relationship, you'd just be happy with it.
What you do about it is up to you though, of course.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 August 2018):
 Alos, I'd like to stress that "don't sh*t where you eat" (don't date where you work) is really important. Work is for professionalism, not dating - unless you're happy with rumours and changing jobs if there's a messy break up.Be single for a year, don't jump from one relationship into another. Face your fears. Be single.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 August 2018):
People in relationships need to grow together and independently. You've both grown apart. Nobody is the same as they were 5 years ago, nor will they be the same in 5 years.If he was right for you, you wouldn't be doubting it frequently. You're bothered by his lack of ambition and that's okay. You're both still young, so his lack of ambition isn't too bad, but it's not what you want in a partner. Same goes for immaturity.I think it's time to be single for a year, since you haven't been single since you were 16. After that, just date lightly for a few months to figure out what you like and don't like. Don't jump from one relationship into another after only a couple of months, especially after spending no time as a single adult.Ultimately, no, it doesn't seem like you're right for each other.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (17 August 2018):
 The person you are at 16 isn't the person that you are 8 years later. We all change, and dating someone at 16 may have been perfect, but it doesn't mean that the relationship will stay that way. I caution people to date only one person and marry them. The couple often outgrows one another. Both my daughter and my sister married their childhood sweethearts, neither dated others and both of them wound up getting divorces about 10 years later. Not that that happens to everyone!!! If often does though. Perhaps you need to take some time away from each other? You sound very conflicted so its rather hard to advise you other than to tell you to search your heart. Only you know if you truly want to stay with your boyfriend or venture out of the safety zone and try dating someone new. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2018):
 I can't say if he is the "wrong" person for you, but I can say that WHO we want at 15 is not necessarily who we want 5 years later or 8... And probably not who you'd want to be 10-15 years later. Especially, since it seems you two are growing apart.
I do find it funny that you think it's TOTALLY OK that he is fine with your "issues" but you want him to change being who HE is. And maybe part of who he is is immature. It's pretty hard to tell someone STOP being immature! or Grow up! and it results in just that... so, I think you are looking for a way out of the relationship thus nitpicking his behavior.
And if you two split up your life WOULD change, so would his. But you can't STAY with someone because you fear change.
I would ADVICE against dating in the work place or even thinking about hooking up. THAT would be STUPID. (to put it mildly) Keep the work place and private life separate.
Maybe what you need to do is a pro/con list about him and your relationship, see where that takes you.
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