A
female
age
41-50,
*ernards
writes:After 10 yrs and three children, I cheated on my fiance. I dont know how to make him understand that I was going through some serious emotional problems. He feels that I fell inlove with the man, and although some actions gear towards that conclusion, I truly feel that I was lost, sufferring from depression and confused. After suffering the dramatic events of him finding out I now see that I need him and want everything to work out. But he feels that I am just settling for him, because the man I cheated with doesnt want me. I dont know what to do, I took my life and kids for granted, and now and now am suffering everyday for it. If we decide to work this out, am I gonna resent him for all the suffering?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 October 2009):
 PPD man that's rough. Okay well, the advice I gave would still stands but the problem I have is the abuse you're going through. Maybe you made a mistake and cheated, but its not a reason for him to torment you.
If your husband is abusing you, then maybe its time to move out, take the kids and avoid any more hurt until he can figure
out how to control himself. Obviously he's very upset about this, and obviously he's become menacing and violent. There is a basic insecurity going on in there, and a lot of rage directed against himself and you. That's hard to fix without him getting down to his own problems first. This may have contributed to the cheating, even though you don't realize it now.
I am so sorry that we didn't know about this first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): thank you bernards for your update.
i will try to be a bit more tactful but realistic in my response to you, so that i am not judged as ignorant again!
you say that you suffered from PPD, does ppd make you seek sexual healing from another man who is not your fiance? i don't know. seems like you are looking for excuses for why you had an affair and laying blame elsewhere is getting you off lightly. you did not make a mistake- you deliberately and knowingly had sex with another man. there is a difference. since being found out you are now trying to make amends for your cheating and you are trying to salvage this relationship.
how did you expect your fiance to react when he found out you were sleeping with another man. did you expect to just accept it as a man? or did you think that he would lash out verbally, physically and emotionally against you.
i do not condone violence but lets get real - the untold story that partners go through. it doesn't make it right but men are known to lash out physically against their wives and partners when they find out they have been cheated on. it is their coping and defensive mechanism. it is not right but it is what they sometimes resort to when confronted with evidence of sexual betrayal. how many women also physically abuse their men. you will be surprised to note that it is many- it is just taboo to discuss and hightlight. many many women wait for their men to get drunk and this is the ideal time to extract their revenge, yes, when the man is sober, their women cannot hit back since the men are so muach stronger physically. they wait until the man is motherless and they extract their revenge. i have known women that beat their hbs while their hbs are drunk. does it make it right. NO, but it happens.
"So now open your minds and realize that after ten years and three kids I didnt just fall on someones penis!!!!" bernard you are right, you just didn't fall on someones penis, YOU CHOOSE TO.
SO instead of being judgemental and justifying your cheating ways why don't you admit your wrongdoing, and for your kids sake try to make a decent home for them. instead of calling us ignorant, try humbling yourself and seeing what you have done is totally wrong. remember there is no going back to the man you cheated with. he doesn't want you. you now realise what you can use, instead of fighting with us, try re buliding your relationship, if you can.
in reality there are different rules for men and women who stray. shouldn't be but there are. you found out the rules the hard way from your man. doesn't make it right but i can understand that he felt powerless and lashed out at you. he wants to make you suffer for humiliating him. you need to decide whether to stick the shit or bail.
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A
female
reader, bernards +, writes (19 October 2009):
bernards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince it seems most of the ignorant comments I have received are coming from woman who obviously are in a "perfect relationship" cloud and cannot expand their mind, I figured I would get more on detailed to my problem, so that they then can stop voicing such stpuid remarks. My resentment would be coming from all the serious!!! verbal abuse and two incidents of physical abuse in which I have suffered since my mistake. My youngest two children are one and two in which I was diagnosed with postpartum depression that went un treated. So now open your minds and realize that after ten years and three kids I didnt just fall on someones penis!!!! Im not in high school.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Ok, i am actually so confused by your post. You resent this man BUT you were the one sleeping with someone. You say you were depressed. What happened. In your depressed stae you tripped and fell onto another mans penis. Get real! Your poor partner is suffering. He is the one who has to deal with what you have done. You have no reason to resent him. Hey, consider yourself lucky that he even took you back after your lover ditched you. Another man will not even touch you after you strayed. You betrayed your fiancé. No one forced to go seeking sex elsewhere. Your partner is right to question you, this other man doesn’t want you , now you realise what you have lost! Did you not even think of your fiancé when you were having sex with this other man? Did you not think of how you were screwing your kids lives and their happiness. Your fiancé is just too good for you. Instead of you trying to blame him, perhaps it is time to shut up and take the shitty words coming your way. After all the betrayer has no rights to dictate. You have cause enough turmoil for your innocent kids already so please shut up and stick it out for their sake. And hope and pray like mad thea your fiancé doesn’t come to his senses and kick you to the curb. That is where you actually belong right now. As the cheater in the relationship you have no rights. You need to grovel and you need to just accept your fate. Whatever it is. I have sympathy for this poor man who has to live with the knowledge that the mother of his 3 kids was getting down and dirty with another man. Now you want to dictate to him how to handle this. For goodness sake, at least he took you back!that other man doesn’t want you. Can you not see what wrongs you have done? Think about your kids. You did not previously. Try being a decent mother and NOW put them first. It starts with you shutting your mouth............
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 October 2009):
This is the part where you have to sit down with your fiance.The only way to heal this situation is for him, your fiance', to understand that you're suffering too. That though you love him very deeply and he's the one; what you did by having this side-affair was self-inflicted pain. Also, your fiance' has to understand another thing, that he may have some "blame" in this too.From what you've said, you were depressed. But depression alone doesn't cause an affair, a great deal of it has to do with a lack of personal emotional security and also neglect or being ignored by your fiance'.He has to understand that if for whatever reason he ignored your pain and depression, that he too failed you, not just that you failed yourself and him.Both of you are suffering, and you both need to reconnect emotionally and try and find a way to heal each other.Once you do that as a couple, and try and make your emotional connections and love stronger, the "cheating" part will eventually fade.Understand that you have to use the love you share together to heal together. This negative experience should serve not as a reminder of pain, but as a lesson learned and behavior to avoid in the future for both of you.If one of you is feeling emotionally insecure or depressed, then you both have to communicate together. Of all the people in the world, you both need to trust each other emotionally in order to support each other. This involves emotional intimacy and compassion and love.By leaning on each other and struggling together, the mutual goals are there. You can achieve them.Recovering your relationship is important.I also wonder if, after 10 years and so many children, the failure to finally get married might have been one of those insecurities leading to the affair.The last wondering part is thrown in only because if that has been a personal impediment for you, that is having the holy-paper between you as a couple, then I have to ask why wait 10 years? If after this long marriage is suddenly an issue, then I think both of you need to sit down and decide if its all that important to stay together, or if you can simply continue on as you have without the "vows".A marriage does not make love or a relationship. The people who love each other make the relationship work whether in or outside the boundaries of a classic marriage.I wish the two of you luck. I can see from your question, you have very deep emotional feelings for your fiance and I truly hope that he has the same for you. If the two of you work past the emotional pain, I think it matters little that you had the affair.The other man, who has virtually no interest in you at this point, should be the clue to your fiance that he, not the other man, is the most important part of your family.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 October 2009):
Oh dear. This is quite difficult. Do you feel that you would blame him? And if so, why? did you not feel loved, or were you under a lot of pressure and he didn't listen? The best thing is counselling for the both of you, or at least counselling for yourself. You both need to understand why this happened and how it can be fixed.
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