A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I want to lose my virginity, but I'm afraid. I love this guy but we're not together, ive known him for some years and we recently decided to start talking a few months ago. I knew from years ago that he was the one I wanted to lose it too, but I want a commitment before I lose it, and I'm afraid to bring it up to him because he likes how things are going between us. We kiss and talk about our future together and what it would be like to have sex, and when he gets in his moods, he always talking about the things he's going to do to me, when he's with me and "in the mood". I told him I want to be more than what we are several times but he always says he wants to take it slow. Am I giving him the wrong idea when we kiss and things? How do I tell him I want a serious commitment before I give him my v-card? How Do I know he's the right one ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013):
no girl you make him wait my wife and I waited about one year before we did anything and may I say we are still together after 30 years dennis
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Of corse you are giving him the wrong idea when you kiss " and stuff ". You are giving him the idea that you are a person who says something, and then is easily led to do all the opposite.
Setting your boundaries may feel awkward , but, what would be the alternative plan ? Just go with the flow, and let things happen, then, once you have lost your verginity and have become his FWB, say " oh actually I wanted us to be in a serious committed relationship before getting intimate " ?
He wants to " take things slow ", in the sense he wants to be sure you are compatible in personalities before becoming official an committed ?.. fair enough- but then the taking things slow would also entail taking them slow physically and postpone the sexy intimate stuff for later, when he has made up his mind.
I am afraid that his liking the things the way hey are now simply means that he likes getting his milk for free without first buying the cow. In any case, better find it out sooner than later, don't you think ?.
Let your actions be consistent with your words- and if it's a serious relationship that you want, first make sure that you ARE in one before escalating the intimacies.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I agree with Jannie. You can't get physical with him and then expect to stop and want more in a relationship. If you want to save the v-card for a bonafide relationship, then save ALL the physical stuff for a bonafide relationship.
Unless you have a relationship, then there *is* no future to discuss. You can't see what's happening right in front of you. Your guy is trying to say whatever he can say to get into your pants. He talks about what he wants to do to you, and talks about the future in order to satisfy what you want to hear, he talks about what it would be like to have sex because that's the entirety of his future with you - to snag you, then drop you once you start asserting that you want a relationship.
You're a safe, and he's a safe-cracker. He wants what he wants, and it's your body, not your soul. You've already talked about wanting to move forward in your relationship, like a commitment of exclusivity. His "taking it slow" apparently has nothing to do with sex, but is instead resisting your demands.
Time to stop letting him touch you in any way, shape or form. He doesn't get to be "in the mood" around you. Sexual touching of any type needs to be off-limits. A few months is enough to decide the exclusivity issue. You're now a "virgin" conquest, meaning he'll spend a little more time because to "break in" a virgin is one of the ultimate ego boosts. Then you'll be avoided and dropped after he gets what he wants.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 If you want to get the measure of a guy and where you stand with him, try this little exercise. Substitute sexual terms with financial ones and replay your conversations. What would you think of a man who openly fantasized about having access to your bank account but didn`t want to be your boyfriend because he wanted to `take it slow`?
You may not be having sex now, but you're discussing it in vivid detail, and those discussions give him some of what he wants, and they bring you that much closer to giving him even more of what he wants without you getting anything you want. You must tone that right down. And in future, with this guy or any other, don't even bring it up.
Be as friendly as you usually are and when he initiates that kind of discussion again, you could say 'Let's take it slow'. If he questions it, you could respond with something like 'I'll only become intimate with someone I'm in a relationship with, so I'm not in any rush.'
Be firm, confident, upbeat and BRIEF. Do not offer any further explanations or try to convince him of the validity of your decision. The more you talk, the more material you give him to try to convince you to change your mind and the less assertive you will sound (and feel). You're just telling him what you want from life, not necessarily from him in particular, is the message you should be sending.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Humans cannot read minds yet, you have to be EXPLICIT with what you want, or it could lead to heartache. Even if it's "awkward" to discuss things so serious in nature, it must be done. Trust me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I think you are giving him the wrong idea since you are not together. You have to define serious commitment. Is it just being exclusive together and calling you girlfriend? Somehow I don't think you mean waiting before marriage.
I think a strong message to him is not restating what you want, but rather not give him any ideas until you are both official. It doesn't really take that much time to decide if he wants to single you out and not look at other girls. If he's taking it slow, you take it even slower because you need to know each other better to make any intimate connection meaningful.
He must have some qualities that make him "first time" material but then you are doubting it by asking us. If you know for sure you wouldn't have to ask and if you have to ask you are not ready. It's normal for a young guy to obsess about sex. It's on their mind all of the time. You want someone who can do sex and love at the same time.
More things to consider are how much time do you spend together and are they quality time? Do you feel that he cares about you and your feelings? Taking things slow could mean he's postponing dealing with these concerns since he doesn't care.
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