A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship with someone who I've known for years. And for about a year he'd been begging to get to know me more and often told me how much he admired me. I've been hesitant because he lives in a totally different country but I was always attracted to him.Fast forward a year, we are in a relationship. When we first started we would talk for hours. Now I can hardly get the guy to text me very much.. and it makes me unhappy. I REALLY love talking with him but there is always some excuse... so it seems like we hardly ever do anymore. I even tried to make plans for us to "Skype" date on the weekend. Even came up with a very specific time frame which he agreed to. Again, the day of, he came up with something else.He always promises we will talk more but we never do. I just seem to be putting to much into this relationship and he's not. He's always saying "I'm sorry". I always forgive him of course.It bothers me. At first, it would REALLY upset me when we didn't talk much on weekends. Weekdays I can understand; we both work. But weekends we should be able to easily make time. I just want to talk to him...But now I'm starting not to care. I find it a bit sad, but it's true. A part of me is dying for him to just start a conversation. I don't even know if he's interested anymore. Seems like I'm always the one to start them. But then again, a part of me just wants to confront him... to tell him there NEEDS to be more communication for this to work and if he can't make time for me then it's not worth it. But oh boy, he would be CRYING if I said that!I just want to be happy and talk to him. I love him so I don't want to cut this relationship off, but it's becoming annoying and stressful to not communicate with him.The distance or lack of physical relationship doesn't even bother me... as long as we talk! That's all I want!if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 September 2013):
Hello. Well, I think that is a good idea, to plan some holidays to be together.
I think it is necessary.
It's going to be very different from just talking online, and it will give you a clearer picture of how well you do really like each other.
Talking online is kind of a mystical experience, because you are just talking and answering what the other person has said.
And you picture all kinds of things in your head about how the other person might look.
You do get to know the other person up until a point, and it is possible to fall in love online, because of this.
You get to see their personality and their sense of humour, and also their personal warmth.
I hope it works out for you.
Don't leave it too long before your first block of time together.
The longer you leave it, the more remote you may become from each other.
And so if you want to give it a real chance, well then the sooner the better.
The sooner you can see each other, the closer you will become to making a more permanent solution to being together.
And in any case, once you do spend some time together, that will be the real test as to the possibility of a long term commitment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): OP here.
To clarify, the relationship started online. I am originally from the US, he is not. We know in order for this to work, one of us will have to move eventually but that is not possible right now. We are planning several visits in the upcoming year.
Why would I bother would a long distance relationship like this?
Because I love him. And contrary to popular belief, you can't just throw away love and forget about the person. I WANT this to work. He says he wants it to work to but I'm seeing less and less effort to communicate on his part.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): Wow, I can give you advice because I had just been through the same issue, every word of what you just said applies to my situation. I will tell you how I handled it. 1.) It took me a while and I finally confronted him about the situation. Yes he got upset but the thing is. He wasn't considering my feelings, when he would go out and not talk to me. - if he doesn't make time for you, you're not one of his main priorities- sad to say2.) I stopped trying so much. I loved him but if he wasn't going to put any effort into US, then why should I, just to end up disappointed and sad. The feeling didn't go away, but it got his attention! And if it didn't that just showed that he didn't care. 3.) You don't have to end the relationship if you don't want to. People on DC are so quick to say end the relationship but I disagree. If that's what you really want, work at it. But don't be the only one! If it eventually fades to you guys not talking it wasn't meant to be but if he gets his act together, there's a possibility. Im still with the guy who was doing me like this and I finally got his attention. If he wants you, make him show you, if not... you decide whether its worth feeling stressed and annoyed all the time, begging for his attention, or finding someone who would love to give you his full attention!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 September 2013):
Hi there. You say here, that you are in a relationship with someone you have known for years.
And so I am assuming you have actually met in person, have you?
Because to know someone, you have to at least met in person, and known each other for a few years.
And then did he move away, and from then on it became a long distance friendship via the internet?
How long has he been gone from the USA?
And is this a permanent move he has made?
Is the move because of his work?
And if so, is it likely that down the track he will then return to the USA to live?
Is there any likelihood that he might return to the USA to live, in the near future - like within 6 months or so?
Well anyway, it seems that your friendship or relationship is starting to wear thin.
To him it seems that chatting online, just isn't enough anymore. He needs more than that.
And as talking on the internet is very impersonal, it is rather limited and so you can only say so much to each other, without starting to repeat the same old things over and over again.
And so for this reason, it can start to become a bit tedious and lacking in interesting stuff to talk about.
And I would say that this is what he is starting to feel.
If there is no chance of him and you being able to see each other - by one of you travelling to see the other and regularly - well then he is probably thinking that it is a waste of both of your time to continue in this manner.
Even if you did skype with each other, you are still only making a video call and you are still NOT together in a real sense.
You can't hold each other, you can't make love to each other, you can't go out and have dinner together or go for a picnic together.
You can't do any of those things a normal couple would be able to do.
And apart from that, neither of you can possibly know what the other is up to in your absence.
And so there are inevitable trust issues, at some level.
Even if you spoke every single day to each other for 2 hours or more, you can still both go out and be dating someone and no-one would ever know.
And a real relationship needs for the two people to be able to see each other on a regular basis - in person.
Otherwise, it isn't a real fully functioning relationship in the normal sense of the word.
And overall, I think this is where he is coming from.
He sees no light at the end of the tunnel, and is wondering where it can all lead to.
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