A
female
age
36-40,
*owglith12
writes:Mod note: OP is a male. I'm a young man. Some time ago I broke up with my girlfriend, it was very hard and painful, because we had a long relationship, but I had to end it because she lied to me, cheated on me and did other nasty things. That evening I was feeling really down and depressed and I met with my friend, he's about my age. I told him what happened, he comforted me, talked to me and I started to feel better. We were drinking also. Not much, I wasn't even really drunk. And then he slowly started to kiss me, my neck, my face. He told me he could take away all my grief. I don't know why did I let him, why didn't I push him away, if I did, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty now. I have to admit I liked what happened. That moment I liked it. Next morning I woke up with a total disgust. He was acting like everything was normal. Like it would be normal for two men to kiss and cuddle. I'm straight and I will never ever be gay, not even bi. But the thing is I can't forget what happened between us. I don't want to think about his body, but I can't. Actually I'm pretty much against homosexuality, I think it's wrong. I started to date another girl, hoping that it would help, but it didn't. I keep thinking about him. I don't understand what's going on with me? Has that one night really changed all my life? I've talked with him about this - he's saying that it's completely OK and that maybe we should try to start dating. I won't be with a man, no matter what happens, but this all is torturing me. If only I could turn the time back, I would have never done it. I damn that day when we slept. Now he's in my mind all the time. How can I forget him????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): My apology to you unknown2u for my error. You are correct.
A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (5 March 2013):
Just for the record, I said that what happened was *not* fundamentally wrong.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Mowglith12,
I’m so sorry you had to end it with your girlfriend and were hurting. You turned to a friend for support and had a few drinks (more than enough to loosen folks up) and then your friend in some ways took advantage of you. You were emotionally vulnerable and also had reduced defenses due to alcohol. Two things that often will make us make poor choices.
You are beating yourself up over your own preconceived notions that homosexuals and bisexual people are disgusting. You say you are against it. You think it’s wrong. Sadly your mindset is the problem. It’s not disgusting or wrong or against nature. IN fact, homosexuals and bisexual folks are just being honest to themselves and embracing their natural way as god intended them to be. Just because you’re not gay or bi does not mean it’s wrong. It’s just not what you are.
I think your friend was wrong to take advantage of you in your fragile state. Sadly for you, you have to wrap your head around the fact that it is NORMAL for two men (or two women) who are gay to cuddle and kiss and love and make love. And for your friend clearly that’s normal. FOR you it’s not.
AND THAT’S OK. YOU are perfectly NORMAL and OK.
You are thinking about him and what happened. You probably always will even if you don’t ever want to do it again, if you had an orgasm (a physiological response) then it’s even more indelibly printed in your brain.
ONE night has not changed you. I do wonder if your friend has your best interest at heart. I do not think you should date him. I’m not even sure you should be friends with him at this point, especially if you voiced any concern about what was going on when it happened or if you have told him how repulsed you are now by what happened. IF he is just trying to get you to accept that you should date and be sexual, he’s not caring about you at all and I would not call him friend.
A friend would apologize for taking advantage of you in a tipsy vulnerable state and figure out a way to maintain the friendship and move on from the incident. He is not doing that. I’m concerned that he’s not really a friend.. that he may be attracted to you and want more than you can give him and if that’s the case it might be best to totally end the friendship. IF HE CAN’T respect your boundaries then he’s not truly a friend.
MOST of us are actually on a sexual spectrum… and experimenting with partners of the same sex even if you consider yourself totally straight is normal. If you continue to struggle with this one incident and can’t shake your feelings, then I would suggest some short term counseling with a professional to help you work through your cognitive dissonance (the fact that you had the experience and enjoyed it during the actual time but now have regret and disgust) so that you can move forward. You have to forgive yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I disagree with unknown2u, that what you did is "fundamentally wrong." It was not wrong! It was a very human and natural response. To apply the term "wrong" only justifies and reinforces the guilt. It is a contradiction to his point. Your guilt is the conflict within you with trying to process right and wrong. You took solace in your friends arms during a moment that you really needed someone. You needed comforting. That was good for you. Now you're caught up in the guilt. You're only upset because you enjoyed it and you can't deal with this brand of pleasure. Give it time and it will all process. You're human, not necessarily gay!If you went by societal hangups, you shouldn't have sex with a woman until you're married. You wouldn't masturbate. You shouldn't think of sex at all! You should only have sex to procreate. Keep it all in perspective. You'll be fine.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 March 2013):
 first, you say you're against homosexuality. you think it's wrong. i'm not one to ever preach or anything, but i'm gay myself, and personally, i don't understand why straight people think they get as say as to whether someone's sexuality is "right or wrong." there is no such thing as "right or wrong" when it comes to loving a person. period, end of story. it's not open to you to decide if it's unacceptable. it's who a person is, and that's never wrong.
second, i'm really not trying to be a jerk, but it's extremely common for people who are in the closet to be homophobic. it's a defense mechanism for their true feelings.
last, you slept with a guy and enjoyed it. so what? big deal. does it make you gay? no. i don't personally believe love and sex and who we are attracted to should be so black and white as "gay and straight." i've dated plenty of women who loved people for who they were, not what appendage they had. it doesn't make you gay. but it also doesn't make you completely straight, either. but so what? it's nothing to panic over.
personally, to me, it sounds like you're questioning your sexuality and it's freaking you out. but rather than be so afraid of something, why not just open your eyes to it and embrace it. see it as something different that may make you happy. your own fear is blinding you from taking this as a positive experience in your life. you said you enjoyed it. so just enjoy it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I am a gay male. I can only speculate that your friend truly wished to comfort you, and in the process took advantage of your vulnerability. Men do that, because we are attracted to the state of submission from those we sexually desire. You are a grown man, capable of making your own decisions. If he is a close friend, he instinctively knew what to do to pull you back from an emotional dive. He was there for you. Subconsciously, you had a crush on him as well. You were successful in suppressing it until that particular moment in time.
You admitted you were not that drunk. You were curious and you were receptive in the heat of the moment. Now you regret it. Alcohol did lower your inhibitions to some degree. Don't grasp for excuses. You don't have one foot in hell for a single incident. Now you know what it's like.
Face it, you also took advantage of an opportunity to answer a question buried deep inside you. Many men have this inner-conflict or fantasize; perhaps most don't act on it. Yet secretly wishing the opportunity would present itself. It doesn't confirm that you are gay, nor does it mean you are bi. Many people will certainly argue this point. The preoccupation is more slanted toward applying labels to categorize and separate; than understanding human nature, and how we respond to emotional distress.
Oh, I know a lot of guys are going to say: "Oh dude, I wouldn't turn to another guy sexually; if I was torn up over losing a woman!" Bull!!! Given the right circumstances and their chosen target; who knows what percentage have crossed the line? As long as they have the comfort in knowing it will never be discovered! Many have, and never told anyone. They lived on, may have married, had kids, and buried it with other past experiences. Good or bad. They survived.
You describe your repulsion and disgust the next morning; yet your friend made no big deal of it. This was for your benefit. It leaves you the freedom to search within yourself. You must come to terms with it on your own. You have to go by what you feel inside, not by what other people tell you. You know your own feelings. You want to be told " you are definitely not gay!!!"
In truth, only you can answer this question. No one will ever know how many men are hiding the same secret. So many are in denial. Maybe it's completely out of your system. It doesn't make you any less of a man; nor any better than someone who accepts that they are gay. It is what it is.
You made out with your friend for one night. You acted on an impulse born of profound grief and sadness for a loss. For what it's worth, "he" had what you needed emotionally and physically at the time. You trusted him. Now you've crossed the line and want to go back.
My friend, you may never do it again. You have been programmed to feel it is wrong. Therefore; you must punish yourself for doing it and enjoying it. You must let go of the fear of wanting to repeat the act. You won't if it truly repulses you. It is what's commonly known as the "morning after guilt." If women you've had can survive it, you will survive it.
People spend thousands of dollars sobbing on a couch, asking someone else to tell them how they feel. The point of treatment is to dig deep inside your mind,to help you to come to terms with something buried in your mind holding you hostage. Only you can release it.
I beg that you don't let this one incident consume or destroy you. So many people hurt themselves because of ignorance and the shame brought on by hatred. You said you don't condone being gay, and most gay people resisted being who they are for the same reason.
Let it be! Move on! If you yearn for another man sexually and emotionally in the future, you may be gay. You can still live a life of repressing these feelings. You now share first-hand the knowledge of expressing affection with someone of the same sex. My suspicion is that the pleasure revisits you inside your head. You are finding it harder to judge gay men as harshly as you used to. You're a better man for it.
Your mind will adjust to the experience, and your heart will tell you what is right for you sexually. No one else.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I'm with Euphoric on this one. I think your bias and prejudice is what's causing these thoughts to linger the way they are. Once you can openly admit you liked what happened, you will probably start feeling better.
I hate the labels heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. Absolutely hate them. To me, humans are simply sexual beings. We're capable of a lot more than most people let themselves believe.
You feel you're still straight, than that's what you are. But if you want to get what happened out of your head you need to come to grips with your feelings.
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (4 March 2013):
In my 20s I'd have felt just as you do now. Back then I was very definite in my thinking about gender roles. I, too, felt that intimate same-sex interaction was wrong.
The way I see it now is that we're all human beings. Compassion and empathy, and attraction too, are things that don't always fall within the strict confines of hetrosexuality. He saw your pain and did something he thought would make you feel better -- which, in the moment, it did. That moment doesn't define your future any more than any other moment in your life so far. It may give you food for thought as you go forward, but it takes absolutely nothing away from future relationships with women.
It's no surprise that you can't get him out of your head -- something happened that you never expected, and that profoundly challenged your sense of self. Until you finish processing it, until you come to terms with it, you'll continue to obsess. But once you've found a comfortable compartment in your mind for that experience you can move on.
Understand that what happened isn't fundamentally wrong, but that it may have been wrong *for you.* We've all done things that we've felt were wrong, learned from the experience, and moved on to be more true to ourselves.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 March 2013):
Dear OP,
Your biggest problem seems to be your intolerance and your prejudices against bisexual and homosexual people. This puts you in a big conflict because you can't deny you actually liked a tender moment between you and another man.
As opposed to the other agony aunts, I would say, call yourself whatever you want. If you really can't live with the thought of being bisexual, then go on and call yourself straight.
You have to live with your love life and be happy in the end. Calling yourself bisexual/straight/homosexual is about what you think is true and describes your personality. There's no international committee that decides what you have to call yourself.
Since I believe that we have more than one desire, this probably won't be the end of your feelings for girls and magically turn you gay.
But: Personally, I think it's sad you're so intolerant and even call homosexuality wrong. I am bisexual and I find love and passion beautiful and precious, be it with the same or the opposite sex. Yes, I had my prejudice against homosexuality and I was in denial for a long time when I first felt something for a girl. But you know. A kiss is a kiss. And love is love. If it feels right, why judge it so hard? Maybe you found out another truth about yourself and the world. You shouldn't just wipe it off like that. You might miss a big part of happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): I've known straight women who have had a nasty breakup with a cheating boyfriend. Add some wine, a lonely female friend, and some privacy into the mix, and sometime sexual things happen that never would have happened otherwise. It doesn't mean the straight girl isn't straight anymore because she did thing with a woman. She's still attracted to men. The one-off night with her friend had to do with intimacy and allowing another person to comfort her...not with becoming a lesbian.You were upset. You had a few drinks and even if you were not drunk your inhibitions were lowered. If you had not been drinking, I am certain this incident would not have happened.Whatever happened, (even if you 'went all the way') it does not make you gay. Gay men are attracted to other men. You are not attracted to men. You are attracted to women. Even if something sexual happens between two men during a very stressful and emotional night, it can't make a guy gay if he was never gay to begin with.So, my verdict is: despite your experimentation, you're still completely straight.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 you had sex with a man so that does make you at least bi-sexual if not gay. this doesn't mean you have to start having a relationship with a man just that you have sexual feelings towards men sometimes. No matter how drunk I got I wouldn't have sex with a female not because the idea disgusts me (it doesn't at all) just because I have no interest in it and am content with men. there is obviously something in you that want something more. it's ok to experiment and figure this out.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I don't share your view that gays are disgusting. You don't want to be gay. So now that you know these encounters are easier than you think, you would be more cautious with guys and not let yourself get in situations like that again. I think your friendship with that guy is becoming awkward and you have to explain to him why you will become distant.
It's actually very normal to experiment with the same sex when you are fed up with the opposite sex. The same sex understands you in ways that a woman won't. At the same time a guy can't give you that fulfillment, satisfaction from a woman. Time will let you forget about your friend. Don't hate him. At least he helped you forget about your ex girlfriend.
I am afraid to say that we are all somewhat bisexual because you will not like hearing that. Very few people are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. Just because you don't want to be gay does not mean you won't ever have feelings for a man. Just because you can have feelings for a man doesn't mean you are any less or you can't be successful with women.
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female
reader, misLadYd..  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 you wont forget him. No matter how much you will try to.besides it changed everything now hey.u either gay/bi.only you know the real answer deep down.so try dating a girl and if it dont work out then well,maybe give him a chance.
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