A
female
age
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*egs
writes:PLEASE HELP!!!! I have a boyfriend of 15 months who is so good to me. He's everything I could ever ask for. Smart, funny, attentive, and so kind to me...truly everything. We are both early 40's. The problem is that when we first started dating, he was just out of his marriage. Unknown to me at the time, he continued talking to another women and went on a few dates even after we were intimate...about 4 months into our "relationship." It was just a few dates here and there. We had not said we'd be exclusive, I just assumed it. I believe he has been exclusive since this all came to light last February. He said he did not know if he wanted to be in a relationship during those months. Since last February, we have been in a serious, I believe exclusive relationsip. Does this history make him a cheater? It is really hard to trust after beginning in this way. Should I trust him or am I a fool to? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Don't be too hard on him.
He could have tried to hide the other dates from you, but he didn't.
I think if he was not trust worthy you would have had to find out the other dates on your own.
Has he given you any other reason(s) to distrust him?
Think about it. He was probably using dating for what it is intended. To find a compatible mate. And guess what! You won! Now give him a chance to prove himself. Doc
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 He obviously wasn't sure if he wanted a serious relationship with you even although you were both intimate. Intimacy for a man doesn't mean the same thing as it does for a woman, in fact it can just be a release for a man sometimes hence the reason he's kept his options open. However, that being said, as time's went on he's realised that he DOES want to be in an exclusive relationship with you which is great! Don't pick at the past, enjoy the present and move ahead with him to the future and enjoy every minute of it. He wasn't cheating on you, he just wasn't sure which way to go. I'd forget it!
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): when you started to see him he did not let you know that he wanted you and only you. so you have to sit him down and ask him where he thinks that he wants things to go. if he says that he like things the way they are. you know that he is playing you for a fool and think your self lucky that you found out now not later.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 He was in a different frame of mind at that a time. There was not as much depth to your relationship so it did not have the value that it has today. He might have thought he was in a gray area but since you were not exclusive, he can claim he was justified. I can understand it hurts, based on your assumptions and expectations. Think about now, not the past.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (9 November 2007):
 I don't think it does to be honest. You said yourself that you just assumed that you were exclusive and that it was never something that was agreed. Ontop of this he had just come out of a relationship which since it was a marriage was probably long-term and his emotions were bound to be all over the place and yes, in that situation, I can see why the thought of settling down into something exclusive so soon would have been daunting and why he might have wanted to 'keep his options open' as it were.
Looking at it objectively, because you never really agreed you were exclusive in the early stages he didnt break any explicit agreement with you and from what you say here he is now very much exclusive to you. Also it is pretty obvious from what you say here that he gives you absolutely no reason to doubt his committment to you in the here and now other than what you have recently learned about the past.
I can understand why you would find it hard to trust him, particularly if you have had bad expereiences yourself and it may take a little work to rebuild that trust but I definatly think it is worth the effort as I would be inclined to take what he says at face value from what you have written here. Maybe he is at fault for not communicating his earlier confusion to you and it would help rebuild that trust if there was a clearer communication of feelings but overall, I dont think this makes him a cheater and I dont think you are a fool for trusting him. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Hi,
No I dont think it makes him a cheater. If he only just got out of his marriage, he was probably dating a few ladies to boost his ego. Until he thought he may lose you, he would have gone on doing it, as in his mind he had said nothing about being exclusive, so he wasn't doing anything wrong. (men do think like that you know)
You say he has been faithfull since you became serious, and he sounds lovely, so I would relax a bit.
Honey, no one can tell you he will never cheat. It can happen to anyone at anytime. Even the most stable people can fall flat on their faces.
But if you spend your life worring and not trusting at all. It will be pretty miserable for you.
I always say I will never trust a partner 100%. Because I have been knocked down to many times. But you have to try to at least give the person the benifit of the doubt.
If he does do anything to make you feel he is cheating, dont put up with it.
I am sure you are worried for nothing though.
XX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I don't think he was cheating as such, more like having fun, but he's settled down with you now, so he must have thought more of you than he did the others. You're the one he's chosen to be close to.
So to answer the questions I think he's not necessarily a cheater and can probably be trusted, and no, you're no fool!
Phil
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