A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:Ive written questions on this board before and I really appreciated the help. Im at a different stage now and I would be grateful for some advice again. I am currently divorcing my second Husband, the relationship was terrible. I have one child aged 3 from this relationship, the childs Father has to visit him in my house as hes such a liability. My first relationship was with my first Husband I was with for 14 years and had two children now 11 and 8. We split up because we grew apart and he cheated. We remained friends and share the kids and the arrangement works well. When I was in my second relationship my first Husband asked me to come back as my relationship was terrible with my second Husband. I was pregnant and said I couldn't. I felt like I regretted that at the time but I think that was because my relationship was terrible. My first Husband married again but that failed around the time mine did as his Partner was alchoholic.I split with my second Husband and eventually my First Husband and I started spending time together as friends with the kids. He tried to kiss me but I told him it was too soon and I had been through so much I needed time and space. We started going out with the kids he seemed good on most occassions with my Son from my second relationship but there were a few comments that made me question how he felt towards him as a reminder from my second relationship. He also got moody about my ex coming to the house to see my little boy but I had no choice to protect my son. We started having arguments as he got moody that the relationship wasnt progressing. I love his friendship but I dont feel sexually attracted to him and I feel awkward in that way around him. I told him I just wanted friendship at the moment several times. He's kind but I wanted to see if our problems had gone, he used to get terrible moods and seemed to drink when problems were in his life etc and those were things I couldn't live with and they seemed to still be there. He got moodier and it just spolied us going out as a family even so we both backed off. He then sent me a text saying he just wants me back. If I didn't have the kids as kind as he is I wouldnt get back with him as I need the full deal this time or nothing. I don't want to hurt the kids again by going down a road with my first Husband then saying its not right. At the moment we are friends and the kids although they go between us have the best life we can give them as our kids are our world. We could destroy what they do have now if it went wrong again. I met up with an old friend a few weeks ago, he's a fabulous Dad and I have always enjoyed his Company we agreed that we would start dating, keeping the kids out of it until we were sure neither of us are in a rush and theres no pressure. My kids know him and like him although they don't know we are dating, and to be honest its the first time I felt this happy in so long. But I feel terrible about my first ex, I know he loves me, I know my two oldest kids would love us to get back together but things have not been going right and I don't want to cause more damage. I told him last week that it hasn't been going right and I don't want to damage the kids or him by taking this further, it could destroy the friendship we have and make the kids go through a second break up. I thought then maybe it would stop the pressure and him being hurt by holding out. I just feel its too big a chance to take when its not going well. But I feel terrible for my oldest kids because Im making that decision. Do you think its the right decision? Do you think I will regret it? I'm scared to do the right thing.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Hi
Totally the right thing, you have been honest with your first ex too and given him no reason to think you will ever be more than friends.
As for your children,all kids would probably like their parents back together, but you can't do it for them.Its great they can see you getting on as friends so hopefully that at least will last.If it doesn't,again not your fault.
Now you've met somebody new,your free to do so,I hope it works out for you.Your doing everything right so don't question your choices
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 It sounds like the right decisison, an unavoidable one, in fact . You broke up with the first husband because of èroblems ( moods, too much drinking ) that haven't changed at all and are still there. You could not cope with these things the first time , now you can cope because you don't have to live together and you are exposed to that just minimally, - if you'd have to live together , the problems would still be thre, you'd still could not stomach them, and it only would end in a second breakup, more heartbreking for the kids than the first one, because you'd have let them put their hopes up, only for having to disappoint them and having to make them go through the trauma of ANOTHER separation of their parents. Brrr ! I would not run this risk for any incentive or inducement.
Plus, you say you are not attracted to this man anymore,and, what would you do ? ask him to live together as brother and sister ?? Subject yourself to physical intimacy with someone you don't love " that way " ?
Crazy. Kids should always come first , ok, - but not to such a damaging, punitive extent for their mother. Also considering that you seem to have found a frendly, serene balance as parents of your kids, and they are not being neglected or deprived of their father.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I think you have made the right choice, it seems there are many reasons why your first husband is not right for you (you're not attracted to him, he drinks too much, he is moody etc) and there is no point in getting the kids hopes up when clearly it wont work. Yes your ex loves you, but you dont love him anymore - relationships dont work when they are one sided and you would need to be 100% committed to make it work, but clearly you are not.
I dont think you will regret it at all, I think you would regret not giving this relationship a chance with the old friend more than you would regret not trying with your ex. You have tried to be friends and see what happens but the relationship deteriorated, you gave it a shot and it wasnt working so you have rightly moved on.
I think you probably should make it crystal clear now to your first husband that you are not going to ever get back together with him - he clearly is still hopeful and you need to be fair to him by being honest. It is your choice but it might help to tell him you are dating someone, it might help him to move on. He needs to move on from you, and the only way he can do that is by you making it CRYSTAL CLEAR that there is no chance for you to be together in the future. So you really should make that clear to him as soon as possible so he can start to move on.
But apart from that I think you have done the right thing and you wont regret it, you have said you are the happiest you have been in years so dont keep on feeling guilty for your ex, you gave it a chance and he hasnt changed, I dont think you will feel anything more than friendship for him now so there is no point in flogging a dead horse just because you feel bad that he is still in love with you. You cant force your feelings and if you have moved on, he needs to move on too.
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