A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. Currently, I am 23 and she will soon be 22. We met in college and were friends for a year before starting to date, so we had an established friendship beforehand.She's perfect; just about the best thing that has happened to me. She's my best friend, shares my strange sense of humor, is attractive to me, will do ANYTHING for me (sexual or otherwise), she allows me to be my own man, supports me in my dreams and ambitions, her family LOVES me, she makes me a better person, all the things that make a girlfriend perfect for a man. I've dated quite a few girls in my past and none of them even come close to her in terms of marriage material. No girl is actually perfect, but she comes pretty close.However, there are things about her that I don't prefer, but I love her regardless: she has low self-esteem, is slightly overweight, has trouble keeping her skin clear, and overreacts to pretty minor things. She is constantly working to overcome those issues and better herself, not for me, but for her. I find that a very admirable and desirable trait. I think of the situation as I love her deeply as is, but if she improves herself who am I to complain?When we first started dating I experienced the 'head-over-heels' feeling and couldn't get her out of my head. After the years, I no longer feel those overpowered emotions, but I certainly deeply care for her and want to spend every moment with her.We've been talking about getting engaged in the near future, but I find myself hesitant because I wonder whether I'd find someone better if I waited. Don't get me wrong, I would love to marry her and truly believe I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her, but for some reason I keep asking myself "what if?" And the worst part is that there isn't any trait in particular that I believe I may find better in someone else; I just think 'better'. But when considering all of my criteria, she meets every one: I find her physically and sexually attractive, she makes me a better person, she's my best friend, etc.With all of that said, on to my questions. Is my 'grass is always greener' syndrome something other individuals experience without any tangible cause? Am I just afraid of such a strong commitment and making up reasons to doubt the relationship? Are these 'doubts' really dooming, or are they a common part of a relationship maturing into the marital stage? Basically, are these thoughts necessarily bad? I know that I want to be with my girlfriend but these thoughts scare me, and I want to know if anyone else has had similar experiences in their relationships.Thank you very much, and I greatly appreciate your thoughts and insight!
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ambition, best friend, engaged, overweight Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): Thank you everyone for your responses. I guess I just need to discern my situation a little more. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 She’s perfect says the OP… in one paragraph… in the very next there are things that are NOT Perfect… but you are willing to accept… because she’s working to improve them for herself…. So if she stopped trying to improve those things would it still be okay?
IF you are hesitant and you are thinking “what if” then NO YOU ARE NOT ready. If my son came to me and said ‘mom I have almost no life experience with others women but I think I want to marry girlfriend #1” I would say… “son whatever you want I will support you but if you are the least little bit hesitant you need to talk to her and figure out how to fix that”
There was a time when folks married at a young age and toughed out the bad times… if you are willing to marry now and get to that “midlife crisis” stage and wonder if you missed anything and deal with it without cheating or ending the marriage for lousy reasons (I just am not happy is a lousy reason) then go for it.
For me the only person I had doubts about was the man I am currently (and recently) married to. But having had a boatload of experience I was happy to accept his limitations and my doubts and commit for life to him. Never had any doubts about any of the former husbands and yet they are all former… this one… I’m going to die his wife or his widow… he’s the worst of the lot on so many levels but he’s my heart and soul and my love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): It is possible that, she could be absolutely perfect, but not the perfect one for you. Maybe, if you're having these thoughts you're not 100% inlove with her and she's not the 'one'. If you picture yourself getting married and having kids and you're not sure she's the one you want to see walking down the aisle or caring for your children, you need to ask yourself some questions about your relationship with her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 The mind likes to boggle. It likes to analyze things to death. It's our calculative mind that wants bigger better things. We are in a consumer culture and our greediness is taught since we were 3 and could understand TV commercials. This syndrome is in your girlfriend also. For me, I won't be discussing this with my significant other. You don't have to share every thought with her, it could make her feel insecure. The greener grass syndrome is in everyone. When you make a point to talk about it, people will think it's a bigger problem than it has to be. "You are perfect for me." This is something said in romantic occasions, once in a while. It's important not to put your partner on a pedestal. She will never win against your imagination of a perfect lady. You know it is just a sweet white lie. When we compare and contrast, there is always someone better. The key is to accept that mind you have because having these thoughts is normal. Just don't feed too much into it and drive yourself crazy. You will find that when you finally get married these thoughts will quiet down, because you will have more things to worry about.
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