A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 4 years now and we just found out we are pregnant. 8weeks along. He has been mentally and physically abusive in the past. He's locked me out of the house and I stayed with my parents for a long while. He has strangled me and kicked me, and sprayed me with a hose. I am not innocent either because I do fight back, but then he will turn things around and say it was my fault for escalating it. I can take responsibility for that, but he has an extremely hard time taking responsibility for his actions which I view as being worse. Last weekend the situation occurred in the morning when I was nudging his knees because they were all up in my space and I was uncomfortable. He came back by pinching me and forcefully slammed his knees against mine. So I pinch him back and he bombards me off my side of the bed. I take the blankets with me and turn on the lights because I don't like to feel like I am weak or have let him walk over me. He was angry with me for the whole day and refused to talk until the next day. He told me that if I had simply asked him to move over it would not have been such a big deal. So I agreed to try that next time. Then I gave the ultimatum to promise he won't hurt me or to get help or I might have to leave. He got really flustered which was expected but he refused to promise to not hurt me because I might wrongfully use it against him. So I got him to at least agree to see a marriage counselor together, which gave me some peace. I haven't had a chance to schedule the appointment last week but I am able to schedule it this week. But today was the same situation, he is all up on my side of the bed making it hard for me to sleep so I ask him to move over without touching him, and he gets really angry. He tells me it's bullsh** that I can't move myself over (well I am already all the way over) and he storms out of the room. I approach him saying that I had followed his instructions exactly and he still got ridiculously upset, well it's still my fault in his eyes because I should t be waking him up and I "took advantage" of what he had said. This has lead to him arguing with me for the rest of the day so far accusing me of keeping secrets, and when I talked to him when he was in the shower he said I can't hear you, so I opened the door to say something and he spit water in my face. My question is, am I crazy to think he might change? Even with marriage counseling. I'm so worried with the baby on the way and I want to make the right decisions for my baby, but I don't want to leave the relationship if I don't have to. Is there anything more I can or should be doing? Sometimes I feel like I'm all the problem and sometimes I know that I am not. Help please, I don't want to give up on my marriage and I don't want the baby to have to live in two different environments and I don't want to have a custody struggle. Am I nuts to think he can realize what he's doing? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): Hi
I'm the responder who recommended the book and I've just read your post again. I didn't read it word for word because I was so keen to respond. I just want you to know that sleep deprivation is another tactic. Making it difficult for you to sleep. In my case he would bang on the mattress with his feet and if I complained he'd get angry saying that he was trying to get comfortable. Also while lying with his arms around me, his hand would be above my head on the pillow and I would pretend to be dropping off because I suspected him of trying to stop me sleeping. As I changed my breathing just slightly, he would graze his fingers across the top of my head, lightly, but enough to stop me from dropping off, if I really was falling asleep.
So sorry you're going through this. Too many women have their lives marred by this horrible abuse. I don't want to bang on about it, but the book will teach you so much and help you so much that I really hope you read it, without him knowledge of course.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): Men like this never change.
It is a continuous cycle of abuse.
They hurt you. Then beg for your forgiveness. Then act sweet and kind and genuinely remorseful. Until the demon rears his ugly head again. And it starts all over again.
He does not know how to stop.
He needs professional help. By himself. Marriage counselling is not the answer here. His issues have nothing to do with you or your relationship. They were learned in childhood and are engrained in him. They are his behaviour patterns which he is responsible for. He would do this in any other relationship. He is the common denominator. So marriage counselling is not even scratching the surface of all your problems. Because the blame which we women often place on ourselves or the marriage is not where it belongs. Nobody ever does anything to justify being hurt physically or emotionally. No matter how perfect you are, he will keep doing it. You see, he has to admit to himself he is out of control. But nobody can tell him that and expect it to register in his head. He needs to realize he has hit rock bottom and feel genuinely sorry and want to change because he loves his family and would not want to put them through further pain. So, like a drug addict, he has to come to an enlightenment all on his own. He has to admit he has a problem. And not only realize he needs help but ask for it, get it and be committed to seeing it through to the very end until he is better. It is a long, hard road. Not entirely impossible if somebody wants it bad enough. However, it is not up to you to be his punching bag. Thinking to yourself that if you stick with him, he will change. Or if you love him enough and show him enough care and understanding, he will change. This is not true. He has an alter ego. Jekyl and Hyde. He cannot control this other man. It is an illness. A repeated pattern of behaviour. So, if he cannot control himself, there is no way you can.
You cannot help him.
A woman's undying love and devotion will never be enough to fix a broken man. This is where we delude ourselves.
So, you stay and continue putting up with it until you get really hurt or one of your kids does. It would be a likely ending to your story. If I were you, I would be more concerned about the safety of my children around this man. That is worth serious consideration. As a mother, it is your JOB and DUTY to protect them at all costs. Even if it means leaving your husband, who is in fact a threat not only to you but to them.
Tough love.
I think he needs time on his own to figure himself out and get help. You need to move out. Get yourself and your children away from him. And do not tell him where you are going. Let him mend himself. You can be supportive from a distance if you feel that is right. But honestly, men like this don't change very easily if at all. Unless they get the proper intervention. And even then, many abandon the help and revert back into their old habits.
So, either you realize this man is never going to change and cut your losses and protect yourself and your children or you stay and risk further pain and hurt and potentially even loss of life. If you want to give someone a chance to shape up, you can but how many chances can you honestly give someone before you realize this story ain't gonna change and will always have the same ending?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): I'm coming late to this but I was also in an abusive relationship and concur with all that's been said. In fact men often get more violent once a child is in the picture due to jealousy and the attention being away from them.I couldn't agree more that marriage guidance counselling won't work. You need to leave and be safe THEN he needs to see a specialist in domestic violence and admit to everything he's done (something you've indicated he won't do) to even have a glimmer of hope.This isn't a blip in your marriage as this man is violent and has already tried to strangle you. I work with adults with physical and learning disabilities and find it heartbreaking when they tell me their disability is as a result of a beating their mother took from their father while she was pregnant.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 It has been told already, but it bears stressing it out again .
Are you crazy ?... In short: yes !!, IF you accept endangering your baby because you are uncomfortable with making changes.
This is not about only you . You are an adult , and , at the end of the day, if you want to risk ending up like Nicole Simpson Brown ( yeah yeah, O.J. was acquitted, I know... ) that's your choice, BUT you are not free to choose for your child to put him/ her in a toxic, volatile, dangerous environment where he / she would very possibly risk being hurt physucally and certainly he/ she would be hurt emotionally.
I have a thyroid disease too, - your thyroid is just a gland, it can't make you unhappy, it can't make you happy .
It's your CHOICES which will do that, and determine how happy or unhappy you can be. So, choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): I'd like to thank everyone for these responses. It's exactly what I didn't want to hear and yet I know it's all the truth. It's a terrifying decision but I would blame myself forever if he hurt the baby. I just wish I could've left without him having that part of me at all. I know he will use my baby instead of love him. It's extremely hard as we are catholic and I don't want to be seen as giving up in Gods eyes, but I pray and pray and I have no other options anymore. I'm unhappy almost all the time and I can't say for sure because I do have a thyroid disease and pregnancy hormones as well but I think he is a lot of the reason why I'm unhappy. I don't see any willingness to change but only justify. I will start thinking about getting things together much more seriously now. Thank you all, so very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Get the hell out NOW! Please listen to me.
He's capable of hurting your child... it's your responsibility to make sure your child is safe.
You don't deserve to be abused. He belongs in jail for this physical abuse he has caused you and your child will be in danger.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 November 2016):
 The title is enough information for me to advise you to leave.
You have a baby on the way and you need to make the safety of it and yourself a priority. It will not get better.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 November 2016):
 All I will say, as I don't yet have the time to write more:
If he can abuse you, he can abuse your child. He will NOT change while he doesn't have to and you need to put the child first and leave before they're born and see him abuse you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): Hi
First things first, please do not go to marriage guidance with this man. I will explain, but I would like you to forget that idea.
There are some things to understand about abusive men. He absolutely, totally knows what he's doing, because he's actually doing ALL of this on purpose. He has a plan of action to make you the underdog and to make you stay in your place. This is the thing with abusive men, their opinion of women is that women are the underdog and that they must know their place. He uses violence mixed with charm to keep you off centre.
They can be very charming, generous, wonderful company and then turn on a dime and show their TRUE colours. Walking on eggshells? Of course you are. He likes to keep you in suspense about who you're going to meet today, Mr. Nice or Mr. Nasty. Both are an act by the way.
How another aunt can say he doesn't maybe think he's doing anything wrong??!! Really? You think he thinks STRANGLING her is OK?
I have been where you are, totally 'in love' with the most wonderful man I'd ever met. Took me five years to realise that he was an act and the real man was an absolute nightmare. You are already aware of abuse and abusive relationships and this is what you have here. No, they don't change because they have actually CHOSEN to be this way. Please also do not think that anger or anger issues have anything to do with abuse. Anger is not the problem, in fact they will often PRETEND to be angry to make you scared and submissive. Anger management is not appropriate because it is his attitude to women that is the reason for his behaviour and not anger.
You won't change this attitude. Abuse gets the abusive partner what they want, so why would they change? Eventually you'll walk on egg shells all your life trying to please and trying to avoid the next explosion, while he's laughing up his sleeve at getting you where he wants you and having everything his own way.
And yes it is this calculated.
And if I were you I'd get out and as he's now always going to be a part of your life because of the child you have together, you would be well advised to read up on abuse and learn of his tricks and tactics. He may well use your child to wind you up in the future, further child access that he won't want, but will pretend he does just to take you through the courts. When he's got it, he won't use it. I don't want to alarm you, but this is a common tactic with abusive men, using the connection that you'll always have through your child to further harass you. My next door neighbour has just gone through exactly that.
There is nothing you can do, but educate yourself about what you're up against. And if you don't want to make your life worse then don't go to marriage guidance.....please!! These counsellors are trained to believe that all problems are 50/50 in a relationship. They do not realise that in abusive relationships that's not true at all. As I am sure you are aware, you give and give and try to keep the peace, anything to avoid further abuse, while they pile on the misery. You know that's right don't you? You know what I'm talking about.
Imagine then, going to a marriage counsellor who talks as if half the problem is you. The ammunition this will give your husband!! He'll think all his birthdays have come at once. Do not go for counselling. He will not change. Get out and go somewhere where there's support. If you ever go to see a therapist alone, make sure it's someone who is affiliated to refuge. They are truly trained in abuse. A lot of therapists list it as their speciality but it isn't as I have found to my cost. I have had three abusive relationships and an abusive father and I have read for England on this subject and know the signs of an abusive man and their tactics. The best book I ever read was called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. He worked with abusive men for fifteen years and he has been left in no doubt about the subterfuge they are capable of, the damage, the sadness. And they couldn't care less. My advice is to READ THE BOOK and understand what this is all about and to leave. Because it will never, I repeat, never get better. Take your unborn baby and give it an environment where there is no abuse and Mummy is happy. You will have to let your husband have custody of his child, but you may have a difficult road ahead, depending how your husband decides to behave. Please read the book, it will open your eyes and make this decision a bit easier for you I hope. I wish you all the best and if there's any other question you have pertaining to this I will check back and help if I can xx
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 November 2016):
 If you don't read anything else I write, read this...it will NOT get better and the odds are he will get worse! Start thinking about life without him NOW and make plan for you and your unborn child.
I walked this road many years ago. I was younger than you, and married a man who had a bad temper, never thinking he would turn it on me. He did. He hit me, yelled at me, bullied me, slapped me around. It got worse after I had the baby. He started yelling at a very small child. He broke my arm, and that was it for me.
He's mean, abusive and he's already went after you! What are you waiting for?? GET OUT! Go to your family, friends, anyone that you can trust. He will not change sweetie..except for the worse. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but its the truth. Don't let him put you in the hospital before you wake up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2016):
 I think you are "crazy" for staying with him while he works through whatever issues he has - and from what you write... there are MANY.
He is manipulative, violent, has anger issues - which are ALL issues that can't be fixed overnight nor can they be dealt with unless HE actually WANTS to change and will put in the work.
Yet, here you are ... the one to schedule the counseling and tip-toeing around on eggshells to not get him angry.
If I were you, I would move out to ensure you have a SAFE pregnancy. He can STILL work on his issues and you CAN support him by going to the counseling, but living with him? I can't see how that is a good idea AT ALL.
Does he have the potential to change? Well, we ALL do. However, are you even sure he WANTS to change?
Do violent and abusive people change? It's rare. And your husband? Doesn't seem to think he is REALLY do anything wrong. So he will go to the counseling (maybe once or twice, I bet you, and then he will decide it's stupid, a waste of time, money.... etc. and go right back to his way of being).
Ifs he really a person you want your child to grow up around? If you have a son, do you want him to be JUST like Daddy? Or if you have a daughter, date men JUST like Daddy when she is older? Because that is what CAN easily happen. Kids who grow up with abuse (whether THEY are abused or "just" see/hear the abuse do not have much of a chance for a HEALTHY start in life).
It really doesn't sound like you two bring the best out of each other, quite the opposite.
If you were a friend of mine I'd tell you to STOP thinking you can "fix" him and start focusing on YOU and the baby.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 November 2016):
 I am sure he "realizes" what he is doing but he still chooses not to change it. Blaming you for fighting back is just bullsh*t.
Do you want your child to be in danger even before it is born? If he has already tried strangling you, what is to stop him pushing you down the stairs when he gets annoyed with you? Or kicking you in the stomach?
Do you want your child to grow up terrified in a tense stressed atmosphere with parents who argue and fight all the time?
If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your unborn child you need to find somewhere safe to go.
And yes, you would be crazy to think he will change. He will only get worse without help.
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