A
female
age
41-50,
*nsure17
writes:Am I crazy? My husband has the habit of lying to me about little things. For example, he'll say he has nothing planned for the weekend and the weekend will roll around and he'll tell me that he has to go to work (and he does- I can verify that and there isn't any funny business that goes on about that). I know why he does it- because he worries that I'll be upset that he has to work and take time away from our family. I'll admit, I used to get upset when he would do this, but we've had discussions about it and I try not to show him if I get upset anymore. First off, am I crazy for wanting to be able to count on him? It's like, we have a free weekend for once bt then he schedules something to do instead. And secondly, it upsets me more that he waited until the last minute to tell me of his plans (as he knew well in advance that he was going to be working), and when he tells me he acts like he just found out. (And when I asked him directly, he skirts around the question/changes the subject/ sometimes will just make something up) Am I crazy for feeling lied to in this situation?He tells little lies like this all the time because he doesn't want to upset me. But we've talked about it and I have actively showed him that I wouldn't react angrily to these things (it's been like 8 years out of 10 of consistent, supportive reactions yet still he hides things and lies). I want to just put it all on him, but honestly I have trust issues already so I want to get other people's opinions on if I'm overreacting. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2016):
 It sounds like he is walking on egg shells, you may have changed now and have stopped making him feel bad for working at the weekend, but the memories are still with him, he wants to avoid all conflict now so he avoids the topic.
Talk to him about it, but don't sound accusing or annoyed, just simply as him to let you know if he is working at the weekend so you can make solo plans for yourself. If you have children plan something fun with them to do, you don't need your husband to be there if he is working.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I agree with YouWish and Cindy, it's not gaslighting, but it is a type of avoidance on his behalf.
Kind of like the " rather apologize for whatever afterward than ask permission" situation that some teens use...
What I'd do, is MAKE plans for weekends, if he is home GREAT he can join, if he is not... HIS loss. Tell him that you WILL make plans when he tells you he has a weekend off. Let him know what you have planned, but FOLLOW through with keeping the plans, even without him.
While I DO think he is lying so you won't get mad, it's still lying and unnecessary. And YOU need to find a way to convey that to him. If he goes in on the weekend because he wants to make extra money or because he IS needed at work, then THAT is how it is. NO need to lie about it.
My husband can be forgetful at times, having promised to come in on the weekend for some hours, but neglecting to tell me and then he acts all surprised when I tell him I didn't know. If I need the car (we only have one) I drive him to work and he calls for pick up or gets a ride home himself later on. We make it work.
It's ridiculous that it's now a HABIT for him to lie to you. And UNLESS he goes to work on weekends to get "away" from you - it's ridiculous to be upset that he has to work. You two need to find a way to communicate and compromise.
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 This is not where near gaslighting, He is just trying to avoid an argument and stupidly thinks that lying is the due course to take and he can't just see that it is making it all worse.
Why would your husband having to work weekends upset you though I am sure he doesn't get to chose his shift very few people do. I understand you want him to spend time with the family but is there anyway you can work around his inconvenient schedule to keep the peace?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 You are being lied to, it's not just a feeling you have.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 September 2016):
 From someone who has truly been a victim of severe gaslighting, no, this is not the same thing. Little white lies are quite different than intentional, manipulative tactics designed to make you completely question your own sanity and understanding of the world around you.
Is this fair and acceptable for him to lie? No, of course not. However, you stated that you know the reason why he does this. If I were constantly being hounded for merely having to work, which is something I can't control, than I would probably try to avoid it, as well! Doesn't excuse lying, but it explains it.
Should he lie? No. But should you get angry at him for it? No. You mentioned that you spoke about it and that you no longer actually show your anger when he has to work , but that doesn't mean he doesn't still KNOW you are angry, regardless of whether you actually show it or hold it. Which is more passive aggressive than anything. Him working shouldn't make you. You should try your best to understand that it's just a necessary evil.
All in all, he is in the wrong for lying. But you are in the wrong for giving him hell and getting angry or frustrated with him. And no, I wouldn't call it gaslighting.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 September 2016):
 Oh, this brings back memories of when I was a teenager and had the obligatory boyfriend my parents hated. I never told them beforehand that I was seeing him. I would wait for him to roll up outside the house and sound his horn, and would then run down the stairs from my bedroom, where I had got quietly ready to go out, shout that I am going out and disappear before they could give me any grief. So, with that insight, I have to say I completely understand where he is coming from. Perhaps have a conversation with him where you say, "Right, I need to make plans for the week-end. I propose doing this. Are you coming with us or do you have to work? I need to know either way so I can plan." I would ask what on earth you are doing checking on him. Does he realize you are doing this? This is not a healthy habit. You need to stop that immediately.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 You have already answered your own question : he tells you little lies like this because he does not want to upset you.
Yes, I get it that you would not react angrily, and you would not show him you are upset. So , no yelling, no arguments, no throwing fryng pans at him ( hey ! just kidding ).
But you ARE still upset ! Otherwise you would not even write us about it, it would be : hubby goes to work on Saturday, ah well, what's new.
There are many many verbal and non verbal ways to show anger , displeasure and disappointment in non loud , non explosive ways : stony silence, sad faces, snippy retorts, eye rolls, withdrawing physical affection etc.etc.
You don't do anything of that ? You look your cheerful self anyway, you don't betray any negative feelings ?... I believe you, but... he obviously knows you well and he guesses, in fact he KNOWS, that you are still going to be upset and disappointed, and a living , although not argumentative, reproach to his behaviour.
So he delays it to the last minute to not have to live all the week with your silent reproach, and the knowledge that he has let you down once again.
I am afraid I do not have any valid advice for your situation. I guess it would have to be that, either you convince him to NOT work on weekends ( but I guess that if you did not succeed in 10 years, maybe he NEEDS to work weekends, or FEELS strongly that he needs to do it ). Or, you stop being upset. Maybe , if your marriage is good and solid, and you have no other reasons of conflict, and basically you still love each other - who knows, perhaps you may want to reconsider your needs in term of family time, and accept that there is one fly in the ointment of an otherwise good relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2016):
 He's avoiding confrontation with you, not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when he tells you something happened, and then makes you feel crazy for remembering it differently.
He is trying to avoid your trust issues, and for that, I don't blame just him, especially when I read your words:
"(and he does- I can verify that and there isn't any funny business that goes on about that). I know why he does it- because he worries that I'll be upset that he has to work and take time away from our family. I'll admit, I used to get upset when he would do this, but we've had discussions about it and I try not to show him if I get upset anymore."
If you're haranguing him about his legitimate job as well as you cyberstalking or snooping on his location, he's feeling claustrophobic about your actions!
You are still upset when he works, but you must have really harangued him for 2 of these 10 years, and old habits die hard. If you STILL have trust issues, if you're still constantly checking up on him, if you're STILL giving him grief about a job he's working at that supports his family, then what he needs to do is call YOU out, not avoid you.
It's not like he's telling you he's working and then going out to the bar, or opening secret credit cards to hide financially, or whatever. He has to work! You should accept that he has to work longer hours. It sucks when he has to work the weekend, but you need to talk to someone if your trust issues are hurting your marriage to the point where your husband is hiding from you.
If he told you he had to work on Saturday earlier when he found out rather than have a peaceful week and then spring it up, what would your reaction be?? Would you give him grief the entire week or try to pressure him to change it or guilt him??
You both may benefit from some marriage counseling to break the pattern. You both are at fault. He should be confronting you and standing up for the truth, and you need to love him for his devotion to your family. I'm sure he doesn't want to work on the weekend any more than you want him to! And, if your trust issues have you accusing him of stuff constantly, you're going to tear your marriage to shreds because no relationship can withstand insecurity and trust issues like that. Unless he HAS cheated on you, then why are you having issues?
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