A
female
age
30-35,
*rivateGirl
writes:So I've recently been doing a great job at ruining my life. After a horrific break-up with a recent ex, (we'll call him M) I've just managed to make a balls of my life at every open opportunity. After the relationship ended I was feeling quite fragile and decided to pursue a previous ex. After being with this ex and seeing how well we were getting on for once I thought "Hey we could have a chance" but the next week he was out with some girl.After having a cryfest after seeing this(which is very unusual for me) I decided the only way I could redeem myself is telling how I felt. So when NYE came, I was completely geared up. We have mutual friends so I hung with his for most of the night, trying to stay in his line of vision for 12 o'clock, but unfortunately missed the opportunity. As the night drew to a close I asked him could we speak privately. I said "Listen, when I saw you with that girl last week it really upset me, especially considering we were together the week before(not sexually) and I still really care about you". He replied with a weak "okay". Now before you jump to conclusions I'm not a complete desperado as I've had him come up to me on multiple occasions and pour his heart to me. So after that whole charade I was feeling MORE fragile and last minute decided to hit the town with my sister, we met a couple of guys and ended up at a party back in their friends house. I'm 18 and the guy I was with is 32 and apparent to one of his friends about to get married. The only reason I got with him is because he looked like the recent ex, M. I just feel like I'm completely ruining my life and I don't know how to redeem myself?Should I stop drinking?Should I get counseling? Or am I just being dramatic? I don't think I can go on this way... I'm setting myself up for a long road of loneliness. Help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 January 2013):
It's refreshing to see you list "being dramatic" as a possibility! You nailed it. A fling or two is a normal way to get over an ex. Don't go nuts but just enjoy yourself and don't try to seek the approval of others right now, just yourself.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Yes... you are being dramatic.
It wouldn't hurt to eliminate or curtail any drinking...
If these issues that you describe are affecting you more than you wish.... it wouldn't hurt to seek a counsellor's opinion......
Much of what you describe "sounds" like the stress and struggles that LOTS of people your age endure.... and most everybody comes through OK after a bit of turmoil.... I suspect you will, too....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, PrivateGirl +, writes (7 January 2013):
PrivateGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your advice, it seems like the right thing for me too do and it is definitely my resolution. I need to love myself before I can ever dream of learning to love others. You should continue to give advice here, as what you have just said to me I will carry with me through my recovery.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I think you are simply just being a bit over dramatic.
You had 1 bad break up, so instead of doing the right thing and taking some time out, you jumped into another relationship that didnt work out. So here is break up 2, and again you go out and find another guy.
What you need to stop is: MEN!! Stay away from them for at least 2 or 3 months, no dating, no kissing, no sex....nothing. You are bouncing from one guy to the next, never allowing yourself to heal from the guy before. You take your baggage from the last relationship into the new one, making the new one doomed before it even starts.
I promise you in a few months time, after going cold turkey on men and dating, you will have learnt so much about yourself, will feel 100 times better about life and wont be so desperate for male company.
This feeling of being 'fragile' after a break up has led you to chase after guys, in fear of being alone and dealing with the feelings left over from the break up. But that is so damaging for you, what you really need to do is confront yourself - allow yourself to feel fragile for a while and dont take any action to counteract that feeling. Look deep into yourself, look at why the relationship with M broke down, why he was wrong for you, what you need to learn from that relationship and what you want from future relationships.
At the moment you are scared of being alone because it means you have to deal with the end of the relationship with M, but in fact this is what you need most in your life to help get you back on track.
It is going to be hard, and you will feel sad and lonely, but that is all part of the healing process. Try and avoid going out to bars/clubs for at least a few weeks too, drinking isnt the problem here but it makes you vulnerable and less likely to stick to your resolution of staying away from men. See friends, go places like the cinema, go out for walks - learn new hobbies perhaps and do things you have always wanted to do. Try and keep yourself busy with non-drinking activities, then slowly introduce drinking again in a month or so when you are starting to feel better.
Time without men is what you need, it is hard to do and hard to stick to but if you can manage a few months you will be a different person at the end of it. You will be comfortable being alone, you will enjoy your own company, you will have dealt with any baggage from the last 2 relationships and you will have a fresh perspective on what you want from a future relationship.
I think this is an idea you need to keep in mind - how can you expect someone else to make you happy when you cannot make yourself happy? Until you are happy alone you cannot have a sucessful, happy relationship - so spending this time alone, away from men will be the best thing that you ever did.
...............................
|
