A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: This was original poster's chosen title...Hi allIve been with my OH (other half) for nearly 4 years now - when we first met she was 196lbs at 5ft 10 and it didnt bother me much. I was still attracted.Now, she is 219lbs! and though she says she eats healthily and goes to zumba shows no sign of losing weight.I know how shallow it seems saying this is a problem for me, but i do find im less attracted and i tend to avoid sex (i tend to do 'other stuff for her', but say im tired etc)Ive tried encouraging her to come to join a gym with me, ive been careful NOT to criticize her weight, saying simply that it would be a fun thing to do together.I dont understand how she says she does an hour of 'intensive zumba ' 3 times a week, yet huffs and puffs if we walk up a hill together?Oh yes im 5ft 11, 178lbs and workout 5 times a week...So two questions really1)Am i a pig for finding her weight gain an issue?. On the one hand we are very compatible...but i dont want to spend my life avoiding sex?2) How can i help her get the weight off without hurting her feelings?. She says she is fat (and i automatically assure her she is beautiful) ...but the truth is i look at the rolls of fat and its a big turn off. And her zumba etc clearly isnt workingThanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): It's just a show for years to come, she'll get uglier and fatter over the years like most people and if you want a forever relationship with her get used to it! It happens to everyone! Geez go find some fit bird to bang because if you can't accept that she'll always be beautiful no matter how different she looks then leave her!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I agree with those who say you have to tell her the truth that you're not attracted to her anymore. only then can she know how serious her weight issue is, if it jeopardizes her relationship. If she gets upset and blames you and says you should feel attracted to her no matter what, well then that attitude is part of the problem and needs to either be worked through or a sign that this relationship may have run its course. you don't feel attracted to someone because you "should" or because "it's the right thing to do." Your feelings are not controllable outward behaviors like walking or talking, they are inner automatic responses that you have no control over. But they do tend to affect your outward behavior physiologically, also in ways you cannot control, such as not being able to get physically intimate with someone because the hormonal arousal is just not there.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (8 January 2013):
You're not being a pig, you're being honest. My guess is that she's feeling a bit too comfortable in the relationship (setting aside medical reasons for the gain.) Ive had a friend in college that this happened to. He started making her think he may be interested in some other more fit women (without actually doing anything.) It was the most amazing fitness/diet plan Ive ever seen.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): You're not shallow if it is the truth of how you truly feel. Is it shallow to admit you don't think some random stranger is pretty? Then why is it shallow to admit that if the person happens to be your gf? It is just being sincere and honest. And unfortunately there isn't anything you can do to "get " her to lose weight. Only she can do it. All you can do is give her information that it is very important for the relationship that she lose weight. I don't see how you can do that without explaining the real reason. See, if you just talk about wanting to eat healthier or do more fun activities it sounds to her like its optional or a low priority. It does not represent how seriously you NEED her to lose weight. Then if she goes along and does the exercises with you she is unaware that you have a target you want her to meet. You'll end up disappointed and upset that she only exercised less than half of what you think she needs to. Meanwhile she thinks she did more than enough to keep you company in the gym, unaware that you had an ulterior motive. Sounds like a set up for all disappointment and further deterioration of this issue.For someone who is overweight due to lifestyle habits or reluctance to get medical treatment for a thyroid condition, losing weight is not a high priority if it were they would be doing it already. Everyone knows it is unhealthy to be overweight yet they are anyway because their lifestyle habits are too ingrained it takes too much effort to overcome it especially if its a low priority to them. If you just talk about getting healthy youre not telling her anything she doesnt already know but has chosen to disregard. Therefore you should tell her that her losing weight should be a high priority and I don't think you can do that nicely without saying the truth.
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male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Your not being selfish or a pig, I'm not attracted to fat girls, it doesn't make you a bad person, if you're not happy then tell her, if she can't handle the truth then that's her problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I have been in your situation with my hb who gained 100 lbs after marriage.1. No you're not shallow. Sex is a big thing that makes a intimate relationship an intimate relationship as opposed to a good platonic friendship. If sexual attraction is gone, then this major component of the relationship is now dead or fake. I don't know which is worse. You cant control your gut reactions. It is what it is. You cannot create feelings of attraction on demand. But it is possible for her to lose weight. Therefore this problem is more within her control to solve than yours. 2. You can't not-hurt her feelings. This is being dishonest. She deserves to know the full truth of how you feel since this is a very important issue (see #1). Tip toeing around the truth trying to get her to change herself without telling her why, is manipulative. In a relationship you should be honest even if the truth hurts. Because its the truth. She needs to know how serious this is. By with holding information about your feelings and downplaying the issue you are uou are mosleadijg her and misrepresenting yourself to her. You are robbing her of the chance to learn a difficult truth and decide for herself if this relationship is important enough to her to do her part to keep it alive. At the very least you cannot go on faking forever so even if the relationship ends over the lack of sexual intimacy that is what had to happen, not for it to continue under false pretended with secret resentment simmering under the surface.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 January 2013):
With regards to your questions: q 1: yes you are a bit mean and the way you phrased the title is just lousyq 2: the only way you can get her to lose weight in a nice way is to suggest some physical activities like an exercise class or hill walking together
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
 "Now, she is 219lbs! and though she says she eats healthily and goes to zumba shows no sign of losing weight."
By the way, do you know for a fact she does go to these zumba classes 3 times a week and eats healthily?
I have a feeling, if it isn't a medical condition, she might be telling porkie pies here.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
To be honest I don't like fat women either. Nothing shallow about that. The women I meet don't like fat blokes. Not many women will admit to that but that's just the way it is.
Does she have diabetes? Or perhaps some other health issue that is affecting her weight?
One thing you can do is go for walks together, or jogging/cycling if she's up to it.
You can also cook both of you a healthy meal now and then.
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Sageoldguy:
"you are pretty darned shallow" then YOU say "my ex- wasn't able to control her weight, and it DID, in fact, contribute to the demise of our marriage"
So that makes us all shallow now eh? Made me chuckle.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): I don think you Are shallow. You don't like fat people, this is your preference. I also don't think you should lie to your girlfriend about her being not beatifull to you. You are not attracted to her how she is. Plus it's not healthy. Zumba is not going to help if she is not eating right. She might think she is eating right, but in fact she is not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I don think you Are shallow. You don't like fat people, this is your preference. I also don't think you should lie to your girlfriend about her being not beatifull to you. You are not attracted to her how she is. Plus it's not healthy. Zumba is not going to help if she is not eating right. She might think she is eating right, but in fact she is not.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I can't blame you for not finding her as attractive with more weight on her. I put on weight in my last long term relationship, and I didn't find myself attractive. The boyfriend didn't care, or at least he didn't say so.
I agree with the points below. She might well have a thyroid problem, but she also might be putting away more calories than either of you are aware of. She might be snacking on junk while you're at work/ she's at work. I know quite a few people who quite frankly eat/ drink crap and then complain about gaining or not losing weight (eating biscuits, crisps, chocolate bars, drinking fizzy drinks, not to mention all the calories in alcohol). It's a good idea to check the fat content of things when shopping together and not stock up the cupboards with junky snacks.
I think you need to approach this with her from a health point of view, not mentioning that you find her less attractive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I agree with Person12345, she needs to see a doctor. If she's eating healthy and exercising, then there's no reason for her to be overweight. She probably has a thyroid (or other) health problem. On the other hand, she could be lying to you about doing zumba, and sneaking junk food when no one is around.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Unfortunately you can't change people. That is going to have to come from her. But the best way to inspire people is to be the change you want to see. Get into a raw food diet or do a long detox and see if she catches on and does it with you. Start becoming a health nut yourself and completely change your diet. That may make her self conscious of her eating habits and she may follow suit with your plan.
I mean cause it doesn't matter how much zumba she is doing a week if she is hogging down a pizza and a quart of ice cream when she gets home. She needs to change her diet first and foremost. You may be the inspiration she needs.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 January 2013):
 You may not be a pig... but you are pretty darned shallow, considering all else in your submittal....
There is no sensitive way to refer to a woman's overweightedness..... and there's not a darn thing you can do to HELP her lose any weight she would like to lose.
You can only SUPPORT her in whatever scheme she might undertake to shed weight....
It can be terribly frustrating... and, possibly, a failure (for both her and you) if she cannot....
Soooo, you and she will have to struggle with this for as long as you (two) can endure.... and for as long as you can love one-another for the "who you ares".....
Good luck....
P.S. My ex- wasn't able to control her weight, and it DID, in fact, contribute to the demise of our marriage... (but there were a handful of other issues, as well)...
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Hi
I do Zumba and it's very energetic indeed, so if your girlfriend isn't overeating then I would suggest she gets checked out by her GP. The Pill or injection can cause weight gain,also thyroid problems.
It's not being cruel to find her unattractive but it would be better to find the cause now as being overweight can cause other health problems.
Tackle it in a tactful way and get her to make that appointment.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Could she have a hormonal issue? My friend was battling obesity for years. She ate healthy foods, cut out alcohol, rode her bike every day, and she was still obese. Turned out she had thyroid issues. Once she started her medication the weight came off much easier.
You should suggest she check with a doctor. Other things that can cause weight gain despite good efforts: some kinds of birth control, anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication. She should talk to a doctor to rule out any medication or health problems. If she's doing zumba and eating well and still gaining weight, that seems like something more than just a diet issue.
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