A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently discovered my long time girlfriend has been heavily chatting with a distant (2 hrs away) coworker. She's been very secretive about the whole connection but somehow her texts got onto my iPad. In one exchange this guy (who is married) asked her if she was interested in a threesome. In a joking manner she nonchalantly "declined" (exact wording was 'I don't do well in group settings. ;-p'). They've continued chatting since and have even created pet names for each other. Am I right to be concerned?
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 You've done the right thing in leaving her. She can't be trusted and you cannot marry someone (or even be in a relationship with someone) if you cannot trust them.
Good on you for having the guts to leave first.
Now go find a good woman with honesty, integrity and trust who doesn't want to muck about with other guys "just for some attention".
Remember, there's no going back. No matter if she begs you after you've moved out. She is OUT. Forever.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I agree she needed to take responsibility for her behavior.
Had she done that and been sorry I might have suggested giving her one more chance...
she didn't.
you are doing the right thing.
best of luck to you as lousy as this is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): So she wasn't happy about something in your relationship so rather than speak with you about it, she'd sooner absorbed the attention of another man, and to top it off, tried to take the focus off herself by bringing your past into the relationship and blame all this on you?
She just sounds full of excuses to me.
If she can't be honest with you, you're better off without her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I'm so sorry she can't even accept her own culpability, but tried to turn it on you. This really ISN'T about you ( her chatting up a co-worker) it's about HER. Her not respecting the relationship, her not accepting that there ARE limits to what is OK in a relationship, her not really caring enough.
I think you are doing the right thing even if it hurt like heck.
Her loss, mate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I confronted her again. This time with her msg on my iPad and she fessed up. "There was nothing physical. I promise. I love you"I told her I was hurt and she went off on some tangent and of course tried to dredge up MY past mistakes in our relationship, like not being as attentive as I was at the start of our courtship, using too much toothpaste and any other minute thing she could think of. Told her that those were cop outs bc we spend 75% of our non-work time together doing sverything together. She simply was fascinated with this extra attention she was getting. She still would not OWN up to her mistake here. Then I talked with our landlord. I will be moving out at the end of the month. Shame of all this is I really thought she was THE ONE. Was planning to get married in December. Guess its best I go through this now rather than later. Thanks everyone for your input. It helped to keep my head cool through all of this
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
BIG RED FLAG HERE!
TIme to walk away my friend and leave her. Don't even bring it up with her. Just walk away.
So_Very_Confused: "have you asked her about it at all?"
I'd expect this from a woman. What is there to ask? It is blatantly obvious she's is flirting with the guy. Having a conversation with a co-worker, who has offered her a threesome? That's not disrespectful? What sort of girl would have that conversation with a co-worker?
Saying "I don't do well in group settings. ;-p". What she's saying is she rather it was just the two of them. This girl is history.
Should you be concerned? HELL YEAH! WAKE UP MAN.
OP: "I have asked her and she's denied doing anything. Said they barely chat except "once in a while on Facebook statuses". I think it's the denial of "doing anything" that has me concerned. I have told her it bothers me a little but she's shown no concern for that"
She has no concern because you're out of there buddy. She's lining up her next thing and you'll be history. She's shown NO concern for that. She is a liar. Time to walk away. Have you no self-respect? You don't want to be with this woman surely?
CMMP: "If you okay with the flirting but ONLY the flirting, just tell her. It might be easier that forcing her to quit what may be an innocent outlet for her.
It certainly is possible to flirt and have zero intention to go further, but it's also the way affairs start."
She didn't say in reply to his sexy text "please don't text me stuff like this... I'm not interested and I don't think this is appropriate. Besides I have a boyfriend" does she? She would have to have integrity to do that.
There is nothing innocent about this at all. Let's put the show on the other foot shall we. Let's say that co-worker's girlfriend had wrote on here she found those messages on her boyfriends phone. Everyone would be screaming "HE AIN"T NO GOOD MAN", "KICK HIIM TO CURB HONEY!" and all that. Typical double standards.
I agree with CMMP, this is how affairs start. She's already starting to wander. She has no integrity, she is a liar and (emotionally) a cheat. She isn't trustworthy so that's the end of it. This relationship is over one way or another. Either she'll keep you around until she finds someone else or you'll grow a pair and walk. The fact "she's shown no concern for that" tells me that is so.
Having a joke and a laugh with someone might been seen as flirting. This is more than harmless flirting. This is full on stuff. We are not talking about "hey a sweetypie" we're talking "you up for a threesome", "no thanks, i'd prefer the two of us wink wink".
What if the co-worker (man) is married with a kid? Would that still be acceptable if it were his wife writing here instead of the boyfriend?
SUMMARY:
You already know you cannot trust her. Why bother asking? Just walk away and never contact her again. She is a liar, has no integrity, cannot be trusted, is disloyal an disrespectful and doesn't care for your feelings on the matter.
Either way you're OUT. It's a matter of time. Now you can either be the dumper or the dumped... Your choice.
Guys, how would you feel if your little sister's boyfriend was having this text conversation with a female co-worker?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2013):
Um yes - you should be worried, if the subject of their discussions is about sexual matters it's not a totally platonic relationship. You (or at least IMHO) most people don't ask people they barely know if they want to be part of a 3-some.
I would show it to her and call her out on it, if she keeps denying it, well then you know you can't trust her. And well, then the ball is in your court. Do you want to date someone who lies to you? And who has these kind of conversations with supposedly casual co-workers?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 January 2013):
Some people will automatically deny whatever they're accused of, even if they are caught red handed, or if they didn't do anything wrong at all. So that alone doesn't mean she's guilty.
However it says a lot about her as a spouse that not only did she talk to the guy but she shows little concern for your feelings about the matter. THAT should be a big concern.
If my wife caught me doing some "e-flirting" my primary concern would be about how she would take it and how I'd hurt her and betrayed her trust. Even if I didn't think what I did was very wrong.
Dishonesty and a lack of concern for your feelings should make you do some soul searching about how good this relationship and the person you're in it with really is.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2013):
If you asked and she denied then she's lying to you
yeah I'd be concerned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I think so yes. Your girlfriends is blatantly flirting with her co-worker. Have you questioned her about these messages that mysteriously got onto your iPad?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 January 2013):
Of course you have the right to be concerned.
If you okay with the flirting but ONLY the flirting, just tell her. It might be easier that forcing her to quit what may be an innocent outlet for her.
It certainly is possible to flirt and have zero intention to go further, but it's also the way affairs start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked her and she's denied doing anything. Said they barely chat except "once in a while on Facebook statuses". I think it's the denial of "doing anything" that has me concerned. I have told her it bothers me a little but she's shown no concern for that
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2013):
have you asked her about it at all?
is your concern that she's keeping a secret?
if so then yes you have the right to be concerned that she's lying by omission (in that she did not tell you she was carrying on a long distance flirtation with a co-worker)
is your concern that she's sleeping with him?
if so, I'm thinking not. he's 2 hours away and it's probably just a flirtation.
In my world, I would flirt with a co-worker this way but I would be very open and honest with my husband that it was happening... and he would laugh.
so again
have you asked her about it? what does she say?
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