A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok I have an issue with my live-in boyfriend (of 5 years) that I need some advice on please. I have a female friend at work. We work in the same department and we have become quite close and have started seeing each other outside of work a bit too. However she told me yesterday that, although she is married, she has been having an affair with someone she met at the gym. She claims she doesn't want to leave her husband but there is chemistry with her and this guy and she can't help it - blah blah all the usual affair justification stuff. I was completely shocked as her and her husband seem so happy, and I did tell her that I thought she should end the affair and focus on her marriage. She agreed but it's clear to me she is not going to do that. However there isn't anything I can do about that so, despite the fact I don't agree with cheating, I figured there is nothing more for me to say on it. It's effectively not my business and I've made my feelings clear.So I went home and told my boyfriend and he got mad and said I can't see her now because she's 'a bad influence'. Like I'm some sort of child who will think I need to get a bit on the side because my friend has too! I have never given him any reason not to trust me and he has never given me the impression that he doesn't before. But now he is adamant that it's going to cause problems for us if I continue to be friends with her. What should I do? I don't agree with her actions but she's been a good friend to me over the past year so I don't really want to cut her off either. Plus it will be difficult given the fact we sit next to each other at work every day. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep this friendship? Or is my boyfriend right? I don't know if I'm just being stubborn because he's trying to tell me what to do or if I'm justified in feeling that her private life doesn't affect me or our friendship.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 ONE MORE vote to agree with Caring Guy's most excellent response.
Your choice of friends is YOURS... you have made it clear to your friend you do not approve and you will not be party to any of her cheating and that's fine.
Your boyfriend is telling you HER OR ME basically.
I had friends do that to me when I started dating my husband. NOW he can't stand them any more then they can't stand him.. BUT he was wise enough to say "well I don't like them but they are your friends so if you want to see them when I'm not around that's fine" BUT THEN the wife of the couple said "my husband can't stand your fiance so you are going to have to choose us or him" NOTE he's now my husband and they are ex friends... I ALWAYS CHOOSE THE PERSON WHO DID NOT FORCE ME TO MAKE A CHOICE.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013): Thank you so much everyone!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I agree with Caring guy as well.
Your BF is basically saying that you are not smart enough or competent enough to make your own decisions when it comes to cheating. That if YOU have a friend who is cheating you AUTOMATICALLY might think that cheating is GREAT and you want to try it. That YOU are the child and he is the parent. He isn't ASKING you not to see her any more, he is TELLING you.
I would be BEYOND insulted if my partner said something as ridiculous as that. Expecting me to be of such a weak mind that I can't have friends who do things "we" don't approve of. Heck I had a friend who smoked pot a LOT and he was still a good friend. I have NEVER smoked pot nor did I ever WANT to smoke pot. BUT that is my choice, my friend's choice was TO smoke it.
You already stated that you don't think cheating is EVER OK, but that you are NOT in control of what your friend choose to do with her life. Which show you are QUITE smart and competent.
It IS VERY controlling and patronizing and I would look at what else he is trying to control when it comes to you.
And no, I would not let my partner dictate whom I can be friends with and whom I can't. Heck no.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Your boyfriend is obviously just threatened by this woman and because she has different views on loyalty in a relationship your partner does see that as a potential threat ! Try looking at it from his side !!In reality everybody cheats in relationships everyone has a friend who has some experience in it!! Its just the way people are u cant help that but it doesnt mean your going to follow the crowd ! Just because this woman is unhappy in her relationship doesnt mean you are and u should explain that to your partner !! You should also try talking with your friend get her to open up to you because there has to be an underlying issue in her relationship ! Mabye she is a distructive person but in my opinion nobody cheats for no reason ! She could be unhappy in her relationship but just has not come to terms with it yet !! I dont think you should stop seeing this woman i mean you work with her anyway so theres no way you can just cut her off !! Just dont let this woman influnence you in anyway make sure she knows that younare able to make your own decisions and u dont need sombody to make them for you !!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): I agree with caring guy. This is not on. You are your own person, and he should know by now what kind of person that is, and whether or not you are trustworthy. You've made it clear to your friend that you don't support her actions, but will still be there as a friend. You've done everything right. Good for you. Don't let your boyfriend start to dictate your behaviour now, or it will only get worse. That is a definite, unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Ditto with everything that 'caring guy' says .. Stick to your guns .. My only added part is that I feel that boyfriend is using this as an excuse to cut contact with your female friend, I suspect he has not been happy at the girls time you have been sharing and this has just gave him an excuse to try and split you and your friend up.Also I would say to your bf that everyone needs friends, they might not always take the right path in life, but as long as your not following them, then that is their business not yours as you so wisely put .. They make their decisions and you make yours . .. Take care x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 November 2013):
Whether this woman is having an affair or not is totally irrelevant in this situation (that will take care of itself at some point).
What is entirely relevant is that your boyfriend distrusts you because of her actions. He has no right to assume that just because a woman who works with you is having affair, that in some way you will be influenced by her. It's highly unlikely that you will anyway.
In fact, what this situation has done is shown your boyfriend up in a very bad, controlling and insecure light. He has no right to do this to you. This is the sort of red flag that is a sign of things to come. If he makes you do this now, claiming that it will cause problems, what will happen if you go on holiday alone, or work with male colleagues, or have children etc?
I would suggest that you have a serious talk with your boyfriend and say that he has no right whatsoever to act this way with you, and that you will not tolerate this sort of controlling behavior under any circumstances. I would also suggest that you have a think about what he is really like. Is he often controlling in other ways? Has he done something like this before?
This is a red flag on your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I think HE is being unreasonable. She's your friend, it is your choice if you want to keep the friendship or not. My girlfriend has some friends that have made dreadful decisions - affairs, constant cheating, staying in abusive relationships etc. etc. ... I would never think my girlfriend would do any of that and I wouldn't suggest she stopped seeing them. Mostly because she'd just outright say no. Try and gently talk to your boyfriend about it again. Say you KNOW she is making a bad choice, but she is your friend and you want to stay her friend. You can't tell me he's never met anyone that has cheated before. Good luck
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