A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with the most wonderful girl for 3 years now. She is a good complement to me and I to her. We moved in together 2 years ago and we have talked of marriage and having a family. However, there is a problem and that is that our sex life is not good. It was at first, of course, but around the time we moved in together the frequency really diminished as has her enthusiasm for it. In fact, we have not had sex in a year now. When I asked her about it she said that she just isn't as turned on by me anymore and that she wants to sow her wild oats. When I asked her if that meant the end of our relationship she said that it wasn't. She said she hasn't slept with anyone else (yet), but that she needs to get it out of her system before she can settle down. When I asked her if she wasn't essentially wanting to cheat she got all emotional and said it wasn't like that at all and that she thinks we are soulmates, but that she needs to sow her wild oats before she gets married. I have no idea why, because I don't feel that way at all. In fact, she has a lot more sexual experience that I do so if anything I feel I would be more justified in wanting to sow some oats - although I don't have any such desire.I find it all very confusing. I waffle between being extremely hurt and insulted and also wanting to try to work through this with her. Maybe she doesn't even know what she wants as she sounds confused also. When I asked her point blank if she thought she really wanted to screw another guy she said she didn't, but that maybe it would jump start her sex drive.I don't really want to leave her, but her having other sexual encounters is just right out for me. What exactly is her issue? Is she just afraid of commitment? She talks about us getting married more than I do!
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moved in, sex drive, sex life, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 November 2013):
You guys aren't sexually compatible... It's probably your lack of experience, possibly selfishness, who knows. It's probably too late to fix it now unless she gives you another shot.
The best course of action, undoubtedly, is to break up with her and move out. Keep in touch, but give her space. Don't ask about other guys, and try to get laid yourself so you don't feel bad.
Read up on some ways to improve the quality of your sex. To many guys learn how to have sex by watching porn.
At that point, maybe she'll miss you and you guys can start over. But at this point there's nothing you can do to avoid either a break or cheating.
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (24 November 2013):
YIKES! You need to let her go. If she is planning on doing this, then you are not important to her.
Every relationship has there ups and downs, but that doesn't mean to hurt someone you really care about.
Move out, get yourself together, enjoy time with yourself, and move on with someone who loves you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2013):
You need to end this, as the others have said. Don't waste time on something that's already over.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Firstly, I think you are being pretty calm and extremely understanding about all of this. If my girlfriend said this to me I'd be absolutely heartbroken. The reason she was upset when you challenged her about it because she realised just how unfair and frankly rude she was being, but probably not because she felt guilty. I think the other two posters have given sound advice about how she's feeling, I think she wants to see if there's something else because she's unhappy, but is very comfortable with you and doesn't want to move on while there is uncertainty. Half of me wants to say, let her do it. Let her go, but don't let her back. The other half thinks you should work at it, if you love her.It is good that you've talked about this already I and suppose she needs some credit for being honest. But go back to her and say there are other ways to spice up your sex life that do not involve sleeping with other people... I am a bit astounded she's gone to 'sowing wild oats' so quickly.I'm not sure what you've already done, but why not try and surprise her? Take her out for dinner and back to yours? Buy some toys? Roleplay? Go to the same bar after work and pretend you've never met before. Has she suggested any of this?Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Ultimately, what she's trying to say, is that she isn't sure if there's someone better than you out there. So before she commits to spending her life with you, she wants to go out and experiment to see if she can find someone better. But she wants to keep you around in case she doesn't find anyone else. You're a back up. And if you agree to this, you're accepting being her second string. make sense? Don't do that.
You say you couldn't imagine wanting to be with other people - that's how you're SUPPOSED to feel when you love someone. If she was fully invested, she would feel the same as you; she wouldn't dream of sleeping with another guy. But she doesn't feel this way. So something is wrong.
She feels like something is missing in your relationship. Something is lacking for her (seemingly sexual desire). She says she isn't attracted to you like she used to be; therefore, she's not happy in the relationship and a part of her wants to go out and explore what being with other men feels like. but you're her safety net. She doesn't want to completely let you go. After all, what if she finds out that it's not all it's cracked up to be and the grass isn't greener? She wants to know you will accept her back with open arms if she so chooses.
I say you stand up for yourself. tell her she either makes the choice to see other people and your relationship is over for good, or she recognizes your relationship is valuable and irreplaceable WITHOUT sleeping with other men and you stay together.
Don't allow her to string you along. You deserve better. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (24 November 2013):
 You haven't had sex in a year... Is this a relationship or two friends living together?? She doesn't feel attracted to you anymore so wants to have sec etc with other people, fair enough for her... But you staying and being fine with it?? What are you thinking?! Next she will be pregnant with someone else's baby and you'll be providing for them all...
She wants out but want to find your replacement first so it's a safe leap. Classic female behaviour, but you can want more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): So is she expecting you to sit by and let her go out and sleep with someone else?! If so that will ruin your relationship. You need to tell her that she has to decide what is more important to her - you or this fantasy as she can't have both. And to say she wants to sleep with other guys when she's not had sex with you in a year is downright cruel. I'm really sorry you are going through this but in my experience when people start saying they want to see what else is out there they usually won't be happy until they have done so. So if I were you I'd set her free. If it's any consolation, I really believe she will not find what she is looking for, I mean sex is always better with someone you love than with a random person. There are lots if ways she could spice up your sex life is she was willing but that seems like too much effort for her. I actually think you can do much better than this so ending things might be a good idea for you too.
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