A
male
age
41-50,
*sItreal?
writes:I still need Advice.Back in December of 2008 I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. We have not had contact since 1993. I was browsing around on Facebook and found her. I thought that it would be nice to catch up on old times with her. I knew that she was divorced and seeing someone else. We are from a very small fishbowl like town. We had both moved away and came back.When we first connected on facebook it started as just chatting back and forth online but with in a few days we were talking on the phone. She had some serious health issues that required major surgery where her survival was not a very good odd. She was concerned enough about dying that she had made arrangements for her daughter to be taken care of in case of her death. Anyway she recovered from her illness and had about 6 weeks of time off from work to heal. I was driving a truck and and never in town but we spoke for hours on end on the phone while she was off work. By the middle of Febuary she had decided that the her fiance' that she had been with for 7 years was not the right person for her and she ended things with him. We had both discussed the feelings we had with each other and how they were growing. We did decide that while she was involved with him that it wouldn't be a good Idea to see each other.Well after she ended it with him we imediately saw each other and very quickly professed our love for each other. Then She decided that 7 years was to much to throw away with the other guy and decided to give it one more shot with him. So I backed off. But she says that she can not handle me not being in her life. Needless to say we went through this process back and fourth several times. And now she has decided that she really wants to work on things with him and worked toward marriage with him. WEll ever since we first met face to face again we have had been intimate with each other. The sex is great and gets better everytime. We actually lost our virginity to each other way back 18 years ago. But anyway I expressed to her that I wanted to be her lover and wanted to be in her life anyway I can. SHe agreed to it, which I was not expecting at all. So we are now lovers and sneek around behind her boyfriend's back 2 or 3 times a week.I know I am taking a big risk emotionally with the way I am handling things, But I Love her in a way that is just overwhelming. I do know that she Loves me to. I know as she has told me as well that I give her something in her life that she has never felt and that is passion. Right now there is no hope for me as to have a normal relationship with her. Her BF does know about me and does not care for me at all(which is understandable)And he does know about a the indiscretions she had with me while she was "working on things" with him. I am open to suggestions and also wondering, Should I be patient and wait for him to find out about this thing me and her have going this time, SHe has stated that if he ever catches her with me again that he would not ever forgive her and she pretty much will default to me and me alone. I know this BF of hers is a good guy they are just not meant to be in my eyes anyway. What will it take for her to realize that. She is in Love with both of us. I have never been torn between two people like she has but I know it is difficult for her. Am I being selfish for doing what I am doing and hoping she gets caught? I am wrong. She has also stated since her daughters father has never been consitent with her that the BF has been there for 7 of the childs 10 years that makes it hard as well. Somebody help me.!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so confused!!!!!!!!!!! 10/21/2009 This is an update..to this situation: Yesterday the other guy came by her work to find her out to lunch with some women in her office and stated that he doesn't trust her and thinks that She was with me. Honestly she wasn't with me, He just came a day early. We met for lunch today. I really am being selfish, but I really do want to be with her..Should I blow her cover and cause him to find out the truth or will that blow up in my face. He can sense that things are not right between them. I have grown patience. How Long should I have patience. Am I wrong for wanting to let him in on what is going on? I Need help.
View related questions:
divorce, facebook, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (23 October 2009):
 To be honest I'm not entirely sure what your question to us is - it looks like you've long since made up your mind about what you want to do in this situation. Did you just come here looking for people to tell you you're making the right decision?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I just know i Love her. I have no control over that. What else can I say. I know it is wrong but can not help myself. I could easily find a rebound and push past her. But that is not what I want. I know me and her fit.
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (22 October 2009):
In total agreement with GrimmReality - that might not be what you want to hear, but really. This other man has invested 7 years of his life in her, and out of the blue you are taking everything away from him - expect no sympathy for what you are doing. We can't choose who we love, but we can have the dignity and integrity to restrain ourselves when the situation requires it. I am not a believer in "soulmates" or "the one" - you will move on and find somebody else.
Personally, I'll be honest, I'm baffled as to why either of you would want this woman - if shes willing to cheat on the man she's spent 7 years with, why on earth do you imagine she'd be faithful to you if you were to get together?
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 October 2009):
 " Well just to clarify this. She is not married to the other guy. They have been together for 7 years but no marriage. The were engaged 5 of those 7 years. She did give the ring back to him back this summer after taking it off in Febuary, I really think she is scared I will tuck tale and run."Are you kidding me? That is the best response you have to us?"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): Well just to clarify this. She is not married to the other guy. They have been together for 7 years but no marriage. The were engaged 5 of those 7 years. She did give the ring back to him back this summer after taking it off in Febuary, I really think she is scared I will tuck tale and run.
...............................
A
male
reader, Flashbacks +, writes (22 October 2009):
The first thing that popped into my mind was "Would you really want to be involved with a woman who is so flaky and can't decide which man she wants to be with?" Evidently she is playing both hands simultaneously, and she is getting something from the bf, despite that he's "not the right man for her." She has you waiting in the wings as well, stringing you along for the ride. If she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be giving him the time of day. You might be giving her the awesome sex and excitement she needs that he can't give, but he is providing all the rest. So she gets the best of both worlds, while stringing the two of you along like schmucks. I would make her choose; say, it's been fun, call me when you are free, and I'll think about it, if I'm still available.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 October 2009):
How in the hell can you be so selfish...either of you. You know, it's one thing for her to break up with him and then see you, but this back and forth cheating on both of your parts..you should both be ashamed of yourself. If I was that guy Id pound your ass so hard you'd be in traction.Cheating destroys lives needlessly, and you know what...you are getting played too. She is getting both of you and turning this inside out. So you are getting screwed over too. But you've accepted thatBeing an adult mean to take responsibility for your actions/..BOTH OF YOU. You seem to like this game, dont you..Listen Pal.Three weeks before I was to be married I walked in on my fiance screwing my good friend. I had just closed on a brand new house as a surprise wedding present for "The woman of my dreams:.Guess what happened...I got my fiance out of my house (didn't lay a hand on her as much as I would have loved to) but hunted down and proceeded to kick the dogshit out of my "good friend" and he ended up in intensive care and I ended up in jail.All because of a cheater...a selfish assed cheater I loved.So you better think real hard about this, because I think you are about to get your ass handed to you on a silver platter. The guy knows...I didn't have that luxury. I had no idea what was going on and walked in on it.END IT NOW AND COME CLEAN OR YOU RISK A LOT MORE THAN A BROKEN HEART!If you had the balls to cheat, you'll have the balls to man up about it!You better be a damn man...break it off and let this poor guy know right away. You will just have to suffer the consequences of your actions. If that means you get your ass beat..so be it. You have it comingSo 23cthcnurse...Did you LOVE that answer?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I may not know what exactly happened between the two of you in the 1st place, but you aren't as selfish as you think you are. In your eyes, your mind, your heart, she is the one.Then again she could just want you, and need him, or vice verse. But i have to admit that whether you believe that or not, you have a true heart for her, for not doubting her in that way.This is just my opinion, but if i was in your situation and she and i haven't seen each other for so long already, and we still like each other, i have to say that she made the mistake for moving on and going on with her life with the man she's married to now. I know that if you truly care about someone you should forgive them no matter what the situation. But sometimes its not forgiving them, but to forgive yourself for what you have to do. I can only feel sorry for her and wished things would've worked out in the 1st place. I guess what i'm saying is... i'm someone who doesn't give 2nd chances. If she really cares for me in THAT way, she'll have to prove it to me (not in any sexual way or physically). When you really care about someone, whether you know any facts or real information on them, you'll understand them like the back of your hand. You'd know how to cheer them up, how to be there for them, how they cry, who they smile. I guess what i'm really trying to say is... you want to be with someone who not only wants you or needs you... but understands you... and loves you.You're a person with a very strong heart. I can't help but feel that things will go on the downside. Hope things go well for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, 23cthcnurse +, writes (22 October 2009):
Hopefully someone gives you some good advice on this subject. I am in the exact same situation, except I'm the girl in this. It is extremely difficult. I don't know what to do either. Sorry I couldn't help you, but I would love to read the answers you get back.
...............................
|
