A
female
age
36-40,
*enisealena02
writes:Hello!So my husband and I were separated for three months and have decided to work things out. While we were separated he was seeing a lady who works in his building. They would go out and hang out and what not. I don't have a problem with that, but when we decided to work things out, he called her and let her know and asked her to stop contacting him. However, she still continued to contact him AND sent me a facebook friend request. When I saw that I cursed her out, and told her if she kept contacting him I was going to talk to her pastor, called her a whore and told her to stop contacting me and him. (shes known he was married since we got married) I told him what happened and when he was at work she emailed him. He responds to the email, saying things like, I told my wife the truth and she is going to believe what she wants. . .I feel like he completely disrespected me by doing that. I feel like he undermined everything I said to her and just disrespected me. What do you think? Am I being petty? Can this situation be rectified?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 I think the anger is correctly placed, only it should ALSO be placed on the husband.
Come on: he was sleeping with her. He goes back to his wife. Why stay in touch with her? So they can discuss the developments in the Middle East and what they mean for the Arab world?
The woman should also understand it that way. "Hey, he came to me for support and friendship AND sex, and now he goes back to his wife. What the hell am I doing trying to stay in contact with him and befriending the wife, who obviously cannot be happy that I slept with him?"
I won't recommend that you scream at your husband and make a voodoo doll of him to pinch his ass, but I would set a boundary. "It's either me or her".
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2012):
 So since your husband answers her e-mail neither of then are respecting you, really. Now what she does is kind of out of your control (and I don't blame you for being mad at her or angry with her lack of respect and morals), but.... I think you still need to address your husband and not drag yourself down to a level where you use name calling and threats, because in the end what good will come of that?
If you and your husband are trying to work it out, HE needs to help not hinder the process, which would mean he NEEDS to ignore her contact attempts, delete her number, block her email and phone number.
However it's going to be hard, since he was foolish enough to "date" a woman he works with.
Sit HIM down and tell him how his lack of respect hurt.
The OW (other woman) is responsible for her part in this, but when it comes to your marriage THAT is between YOU and your husband.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (9 April 2012):
 Hmmm, this could go either way. My best friend was in almost the exact same type of situation, and it didn't end well for her. Her husband becomes "friends" with a woman he worked with, and this woman decided that he was the man of her dreams, even though he was married, with an infant son. She wiggled her way into their lives, pretending to be a friend to BOTH of them. She knew she had to keep the wife on a string, or the only time she would be allowed to see the husband, would be at work. It got to the point where she was at their house almost all the time.....and what little time she wasn't there, the husband and her would be texting back and forth. She would pit them against each other, and cause them to argue, and she was constantly trying to get my friend to take weekend trips to go visit her father. She was pretending to be concerned that my friend needed some away time, and needed to visit her family. Those of us, on the outside looking in, knew exactly what her real motive was, she wanted the husband all to herself, without any interference. Every time my friend would question her husband about this woman's intrusion into their lives, he would berate her and make her feel stupid about being so paranoid.
Unfortunately by the time my friend woke up and realized wart was really going on between her husband and this other woman, it was too late. He kicked her and their son out of the house, moved the other woman in, and is now married to HER. He doesn't even want anything to do with his son.
Do not bury your head in the sand and pretend this is harmless, but you don't need to be rude and nasty with this woman, either, because the fault isn't completely hers. Women don't normally chase after married men unless they've been given some encouragement that there is some hope there. You husband can stop this any time he wants to.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 I agree with Danielepew. I think the other folks here are talking rubbish.Your husband should stand up for you, not her, that would piss me off too.Also, she should have backed off, when he asked her to. She was not respecting your space. You are a wife, unmarried people don't understand the protective instinct that was in you but I get it. While it may not be nice behaviour to call people whores, I don't think I would have done anything less.Separated is not divorced. A husband is not a boyfirend, if my husband slept with some one while we were just "separated" I would blow my top. He is MY husband. Different houses or not.I'm just telling you this because I am trying to show you empathy. I got pissed at your hubby and his whore when I read this, but to be honest my advice is merely what I think I would do... U decide if its bestSit down, tell him how you feel. Tell him calmly you feel he should have protected you. The reality is she has no right to contact either of you and if you are going to work it out she HAS to be out of the picture, and he HAS to be the one to put her out, or you have no future. "If you want a future with me you have to get her out of our lives, you have to protect me. You have to be my husband. If you want her just let me know, but there can be no middle ground. We can't have a little friendship with her and be a couple. Either be fair to me and let me go, but if you want to stay you have to protect me from what makes me uncomfortable. This makes me fear for our marriage. I need you to be a man right now"I know my hubby would delete anyone I asked at the drop of a hat to make me comfortable. And because he does that, I never feel the need to ask him to... You deserve no less. And if you have unresolved anger about sex they may have had, deal with it like you would adultry. Legally it probably is. In my eyes it is.With Love, Wife2Wife
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A
female
reader, Denisealena02 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Denisealena02 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I was sitting in the car when he called her and asked her not to contact him. Thats why I was so mad when she still did. She was on speaker and I heard her asking, did she have a choice, etc.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
 I agree do you KNOW for a FACT that your husband told her not to contact him or did he just tell her that you were going to get back together and work on your marriage…. Two VERY different things.
Sounds to me like he didn’t want to give up his friendship with her… that maybe he’s not planning on letting her go 100%
IF that's the case then your anger is very misplaced and the blame falls on your husband for playing both ends...
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A
female
reader, Denisealena02 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Denisealena02 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@carebare, no they were dating while we were separated, not just friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2012):
Do you know for a fact that your husband told her no contact or did he TELL you that to placate you and get some peace and quiet?
He might have told I can't SEE you anymore because I'm trying to work it out with my wife, might not have said, don't call,text or email me.
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A
female
reader, carebare  +, writes (9 April 2012):
Are they just friends?If they aren't and did in any way date or have something that was more than a platonic friendship, then I could understand why you'd want this woman out of your lives if you're trying to reconcile. Your husband agreed to end any contact with this woman yet he doesn't seem to be holding up his end of the bargain. Why is he emailing her back at all? You know what the easiest way to get someone out of your life? Tell them you want nothing to do with them and then ignore any of their attempts to contact you. You AND your husband are creating problems for yourselves by responding to this woman whom you have told you want nothing to do with. If they are just friends then why do you need to be so rude to her sending you a friend request on facebook? Even if you don't appreciate it and don't want her in your life, you could at least do it with dignity and not make yourself look like a crazy person, though I can see why her blatantly ignoring your husband's request to stop contacting both of you could make you angry. That is very disrespectful on her part.The solution: Tell your husband about the message you sent her and explain why you were so upset. Agree that both you and your husband will no longer respond to any attempts this woman makes to contact you and then work on your relationship and what made you seperate to begin with. If she persists, block her number. If she starts stalking you, call the police.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2012):
I think just like Auntie So_very_confused and Uncle Cerberus said, you are misdirecting your anger.
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A
female
reader, Denisealena02 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Denisealena02 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ Danielepew Thats what I am not understanding. I know I was not nice to her. But I don't think it was nice for her to keep contacting my husband AFTER he asked her not too. Then when I do finally go off on her, he goes behind me and 'cleans it up.' Thats what I have a problem with.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 April 2012):
When the poster says Husband was "seeing a lady" and "whatnot", I take "whatnot" to include sex. When Husband returned to Wife and told Friend what had happened, Friend had to stay away.
Wife was not kind, but I do not think this was done out of friendship. Friend is trying to keep seeing Husband. In the context, that does not seem too friendly to me. Husband is trying to keep seeing her, apparently. That does not bode well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): Careful. This lady could have designs on your husband. The fact she was hanging out with him knowing he was still married speaks volumes. She might have been hoping he would leave you. Her supposedly wanting to be your friend means she is hoping to stay in his life. She is just hoping that your marriage falls apart and she will be around to pick up the pieces. Who knows what your husband told her while you were separated. He could have given her reason to believe he cares for her. Just enough to keep her holding on. She could just be very manipulative. Keep your eyes open is my advice. When you are separated that short a time, you should not involve another person in this kind of a mess. And if this woman had any self respect, she would not be involving herself either. Just be careful of her motives. Women will do anything to get what they want. Your husband needs to cut ties with her. It's the only way he is going to prove he is committed to getting your marriage back on track.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): I'm of a different mindset.Loyalty is loyalty. Granted, you should not have resorted to verbal violence and named called her.I agree she over stepped her boundaries and disrespected you and husband by contacting you both after Hubby said do not contact me again. She clearly has issues.The Best thing to do is jointly write an email to her asking her to both not contact you. Any more emails or such uninvited contact will be seen as harassment.Husband HAS to ensure he is NOT contacting her NOR being friendly to her as this sends a mixed signal.Seek couples therapy as you have some resentment towards the 'affair' so both of you addressing why you separated and heal from time apart and events and current issue will do wonders.The main goal is to be, act, live as a united front especially if you feel/perceive this woman to be a threat to your marriage. I support you on that.Husband has to stop being a people pleaser and stand his ground. Its you as #1.You, no more verbal violence.Both of you make a joint Facebook, delete old ones, and add only those people, friends, family who will aid you in keeping your marriage strong. Learn Conflict Resolution SkillsAccording to Dr. Carlfred Broderick, "Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage." It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seek sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises. • Be clear. Don't expect your spouse to know what you're thinking. If you're concerned about something, don't wait for your spouse to notice-tell him or her. • When you want to bring up a problem, don't assign blame. The following statement, for example, blames the other person and is not likely to end in a happy resolution: "The kitchen is a mess and it's all your fault!" Instead, try something like this: "The dishes didn't get washed and I think it's your dish day." • Don't store up frustrations. Talk about what's on your mind. It's harder to deal with resentment productively when you've been stewing over it and growing more and more upset until you're ready to burst. • Compromise. When you have a conflict, sit down and think about what you really need versus what you want and what you are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of your individual needs •If you have serious resentment over unresolved conflicts, consider seeking help from a qualified professional marriage counselor. http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=47
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A
female
reader, Denisealena02 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Denisealena02 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNew info:
The facebook friend request was sent when he and I were separated, he wanted to see what I was doing and who I was with while he and I were not together and he does not have facebook so he had her send a request to open my private page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2012): "Am I being petty?"
Your feelings aren't but the way you treated her was. OP they did nothing wrong. She's not your enemy here OP. Her attempt to befriend you may have been a way to show you that, to be open with you instead of keeping this in the shadows like a seedy love affair which they don't even seem to have been having.
You're directing all your anger at the wrong person, you don't know her and you don't know her intentions nor what she's like. The facebook request sounds like she was trying to be nice and to maybe help, perhaps try and explain things. Yet you cursed her out and went mad.
Forgive me OP but you're kind of letting your emotions rule your head at the moment. You're trying to reconcile with your husband but you're kind of acting crazy. Demanding he stop talking to a person who was nice to him and helped him during 3 tough months, cursing a girl out of it just for being a part of your husbands life, then going mad at him when he tries to nicely tell her he can't have her in his life.
You need to chill out a bit. You're the one undermining everything and you're the one showing disrespect to your husband. You're shoeing no trust in him, you're undermining what could be a nice friendship he has out of jealousy and you're getting your back up even when he is trying appease you because he's not being as much of a cunt to her as you would like.
Perhaps you might want to tone it down. They're not guilty of anything OP and for someone who's trying to work things out you're kind of making that a lot harder with the way you're acting. They seem perfectly willing to be open and honest with you but you just fuck her out of it and are doing a very good job of making it clear to your husband that you don't trust him.
You asked are you being petty, I don't think you think you would have asked that if part of you didn't feel that you were being.
How do you reconcile this? Tell your husband you're sorry for reacting the way you did with her, explain that your feelings got the better of you and send her another message and apologise for speaking to her that way. Explain why you did, explain to her that you have nothing against her but you would like her to give you and your husband some space to work things out. Just be nice to both of them OP, if you react badly to them then how do you hope to make this relationship work?
OP you need to sort out whatever it is that has made you this angry, you have to solve that in your own mind and stop taking it out on them. He seems to be trying here OP, you need to cut him some slack and give him the freedom to make this marriage work. Maybe you should consider marriage counselling.
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A
female
reader, Denisealena02 +, writes (9 April 2012):
Denisealena02 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@soveryconfused.... I disagree... once my husband told her to stop contacting him and she continued to do so... then reached out to me, after knowing hes been married this whole time... thats whorish. Why else are you chasing a married man? And then on her FB page where she requested me, she is talking about how she is so holy and singing in the choir, all while chasing a married man... Thats whorish. And yes I do think he is wrong for telling her not to contact him and then responding to her. I think that there is much more to the story and maybe that is the problem.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2012):
Well
1. it's not your place to talk to her pastor
2. she's not a whore
3. you had no right to curse her out
You asked him to stop seeing her. HE TOLD Her you are back together and she is trying to embrace YOU as a friend as well as keep him as a friend... so I'm not sure why she's the bad guy here...
He told her he told you the truth and pointed out that YOUR behavior is YOUR responsibility and what you belive is your choice.
clearly you don't believe him when he tells you they are done and just friends....
why not?
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A
male
reader, Great or Good +, writes (9 April 2012):
 Hi,
as you said by the time he was going out with her is when you guys were not together. I think as you spoke to him, just put your trust on him, everything will be okay, please don't forget that they hadn't part cause they had a fight or differences, but he decided to part with her cause he wanted to be back with you as you are his wife.
Don't focus on what the lady do, stay with you man, even if there might be the wrongs or the bad he is doing behind your back, when you treat him well at home, he will stop even if it doesn't happens at once.
Please love you man, stay with him you forget about what he was doing when you was not there.
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