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female
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anonymous
writes: i am about to get married and last night I had a dream that i was confronted by a woman who had sexual relations with my fiance recently. I know it is my subconscious going crazy but it has brought up issues from our lengthy relationship where many times in the past I questioned his fidelity. He is an expert liar -and can get violent if I nagg him too much but always convinces me that he loves me and that he would never cheat on me. He comes from a family where cheating is normal, all of his friends cheat and considerate it as part of being "players". My fiance is sweet and kind and I love him. Am I being paranoid?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 September 2005):
 Listen to your intuition!
Ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest... of... your... life... (think about how long that is) with someone who lies and thinks that's normal, or that you have to tiptoe around for fear of a violent reaction?
Why?
You don't have to marry this guy! In fact, if you do, you're setting yourself up to be unhappy in the short-term and abused/threatened/beaten in the longer term!
Please, listen to what your unconscious mind was showing you. You deserve better than someone who manipulates you, gets violent, tells lies and then says he loves you to smooth it all over.
This is not about his fidelity. This is about your importance as a human being, and about your worthiness to be really loved. This is about your being a real, 50%-of-everything *partner* to someone.
You're not a partner with this man. You're a tool that he's using for his own ends. Please recognise that you're not being treated with love, kindness and respect. Getting married is easy - getting divorced is HARD. If you value your safety and your own happiness, you'll take two giant steps backwards and think about all those little doubts you have about him.
I speak from experience, dear. A bad boyfriend does not become a good husband. People just become more like themselves over time, and if you're doubtful now, you'll be kicking yourself in six months (if he's not doing it himself).
Please be strong and get away from this manipulator!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2005): Amazing how women's intuition and that little inner voice works. This dream could be a warning bell to you to please, heed the warning. You fiancee has a very poor past record of lying and cheating. On top of that, he's been violently abusive and very demeaning to you. Wake up, girl! Listen to your inner voices.
Get out fast. Your safety and sanity are compelling reasons to jettison him. He's abusive, controlling and dangerous. People who love each other don't do the things he does to you. Please don't remain, hoping things will get better and he'll change. People don't change that easily and you don't have the power to make him. You could be in for may year years of the same, unless you can accept he's a loser. So NO, you are not being paranoid...you're just getting smart and perhaps finally getting the self-worth, strength, you need to walk away from this man. You truely deserve better. I wish you well and good luck.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (7 September 2005):
No you are not being paranoid. I bet your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something your conscious mind does not want to accept. You said it yourself he is a expert lier and family and friends believe cheating is normal to him. Is it such a far stretch that he would think that way too. Telling the truth doesn't make you mad. You only get mad if you are trying to convience somebody of something that's a lie and can't do it. If he's cheating on you now he will cheat on you once he marrys you. At least put off the wedding until you are satisfied that he only wants you. If there is ever a serious doubt don't marry.
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A
female
reader, jaime +, writes (7 September 2005):
No you are not being paranoid! You are right to be concerent and worried, all of his friends cheat, he comes from a family were cheating is normal, you are definatly right to be worried, you are about to get married, you love him, he loves you, but the question is, do you trust him? maybe you should spend a lot more time with him and see what he gets up too, i cant tell you what to do but do what you thinks right, that dream cant have ment anything so stop worrying and hope everything turns out for the best.
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A
female
reader, Green_Eyez +, writes (7 September 2005):
You are not being paranoid. you should think very seriously before committing yourself to this man for the rest of your life. I cannot tally your comments about his lying, his infidelity and worse, his violence, with your end statement about him being a sweet, kind guy. Sweet guy's do not physically abuse their girlfriends - and no - you don't deserve it for being a 'nag'. You have every right to question him if he gives you cause to doubt his fidelity to you.
You sound like you have very low self-esteem and I would advise you to do some real soul-searching and question why you would want to commit to somebody who treats you as badly as this man does. Do you think he can be 'saved' in some way? Or do you think he'll change once you're married? He won't - he'll just have you where he want's you.
Ask yourself this - do you want a husband you can communicate with without being worried about him taking exception to something you say and raising his fists to you? Do you want to be led in bed this time next year wondering who your husband is with at 3 o'clock in the morning?
This dream was telling you something. You need to either get rid of this man or attend some couples couselling - fast.
I hope everything works out for you. You sound like a kind, considerate person and I think you deserve some real happiness.
Good Luck. x
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
You are not being paranoid. You say your boyfriend is sweet and kind but kind people don't get violent if questioned, Guilty people do. Your unconscious mind was giving you are very clear message to take heed of it may prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life. But if you want to marry an expert liar then I hope it all works out for you, personally I would much rather marry and honest man who could be a family man and not a player.
Ask yourself why do you love a man who treats you this way.
Love yourself enough.
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