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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: It's been eight months since i broke up with my high school sweetheart of four years. She's pregnant and getting married but i still think about her. I've dated alot and got over most of the junk with a relationship that lasted three months. I'm now in a new relationship with a girl that i thought would get my head out of the clouds but i'm finding myself unattracted to her. She fills the void but i'm still not happy. Am i wanting to much?She's older than i am, but sexually very naive and i like that as well everything else about her, i just can't get over her weight problem. I left my high school sweetheart for the same reason and it makes me feel shallow and sick. i care about this new girl and i don't want her to doubt herself but i know she's going to take it hard, she really likes me. Do i suck it up and be the jerk or is there a better way?
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Just wanted to say simply,
YES you are a jerk. And i think you know that already.
If you stay with this poor girl and it lasted a few years and you happened to go bald. How would you like it if she said "oh sorry I dont do men with no hair". And buggered of with some other guy.
Sorry but men like you make me so angry, do you have no faults
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 If you don't like her, you should not be with her. In the end you will unknowingly hurt her when you start avoiding sex or intimate contact with her.
On the other hand, there are people to whom physical appearance is a must. They just like thin or overweight persons. This may have a red flag if you prefer thin people and do not consider other traits, however, if you consider personality and how she treats you as well as body, I don't see that big of a deal. You just feel more or less chemistry with some people and that is not a bad thing.
However, when you are looking for a long term-life long relationship, there could be a problem. When making this kind of commitment you have to understand there is no guarantee that the person will continue to be thin or fat. There could be an accident in which her body becomes deformed. When she gets pregnant she might put weight and never take it off. This are likely situations and love should not change because of them.
Finally, consider if you are just being with "someone" as means of not being alone. If so, you should really work on the causes of this. Unintentionally you are playing with peoples feelings because you are not ready for a relationship nor are you being as serious about it as they are. Take some time to reflect and have your space. Learn to be alone and to love it.. only then will you be able to establish a good and healthy relationship.
Best of lucks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): No you don't just suck this up...you tell her as compassionately as you can, that it's not working out. You have a vision of dating a particular 'type' of a woman and she doesn't fit the bill. She is simply 'just filling your void' and unfortunately, that's a prescription for wasting her most precious resource: her time - and her time is her life!
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A
female
reader, red1982 +, writes (9 November 2007):
I don't understand why you keep going out with girls that you aren't attracted to??My ex went out with me for a while and then told me that my figure was a turn off and asked me to put on wieght. We broke up not long after because I wasn't prepared to do that for him (I'm not super skinny either - I weighed about 130lbs.)You aren't a jerk for wanting to be with someone you fancy and I certainly wouldn't recommend staying with her just because you don't want to hurt her feelings, it will show and you'll hurt her anyway. Next time you pick a girlfriend make sure you find her physically and emotionally attractive. Also don't get a girlfriend just so that she 'fills a void' get over your ex first, else it will never work. Then wait and find someone you really like.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 First you really need to examine your motives. Do you take on these girls just because you want someone with you or are you honestly trying to find someone compatible with you who will stay with you?
It may or may not surprise you to know that your "soul-mate" may not be the best looking girl in the world. That though seems to become secondary as you get to know her better and better.
Initially you are attracted to a girl because of their looks, agreed, but sometimes you may find that she is nothing like what you thought.
She could look like Miss America and you could find out she is a serial killer, or you could find someone exactly the opposite in the looks department and find that she will cater to your every whim.
A girl like that a guy could very easily grow to love and never again even think about her looks.
There again, have you ever heard the expression; "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? There you go.
It all depends on how deep or shallow you are. Doc
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 The way you are talking makes me think you may have some narcissistic tendencies when it comes to your choice of parter. In short this means that your self esteem is related to the 'trophy value' of your girlfriend. She is in a way an accessory, and she needs to fit your (subjective) image of yourself.
That is relatively straightforward but this pattern can cause a lot of longer term relationship problems if this is indeed what is going on. You might want to consider this possibility, do some research into the trait and see if it fits your behaviour.
There are many other possible reasons this is happening, so keep an open mind and see what other aunts tell you.
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