A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:My ex-girlfriend said I always seemed to want what I couldn't have. Any ideas what that's supposed to mean? What can't we have and how do we recognise it? For example, my ex invited me to bed and I fondled her breasts and she said I always seemed to want what I couldn't have. What the f*** does that mean? Does it mean "leave me alone"? Does it mean "take me by force"? Does it mean "I want you to play dead and wait for whatever life brings you"? I was wanting what was right in front of me! Is she a nutter?
View related questions:
breasts, ex girlfriend, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Good for you.
Have you ever heard of the term - CLEARING?
Well that is exactly what you've done. You've cleared the things you are carrying on you shoulders / chest / heart. Good for telling her the truth about JUST wanting to see her as well.
If she's happy - then you should be happy for her, and vica versa.
LOL - my avatar has been with me for AGES. Cannot even remember WHY i set it up in the first place - and NO - i didn't think of it as a pick-up line.
Thanks
I really hope that your pastures are greener in future, but even when they are not - there is always hope...
So - good luck in finding the girl of your dreams...
Mail me if you want to chat further...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers Mistify. I like your avatar by the way. And no, that isn't my idea of a chat up line!
Anyway, to update you, if you're interested (or even if you're not!), I texted my ex to say I was sorry we didn't meet up, that I was partly responsible and that I was glad she was happy. She replied saying she didn't know why I'd felt the need to text and that she was really happy and hoped I would find someone who made me just as happy. I replied saying "Good show" and then felt that was a bit facetious and added that if she were really happy she wouldn't have agreed to meet up, had a bit of a dig and then retreated and that that's why I said I'd like it if she got in touch when she was ready. She then emailed me to say she got in touch out of curiosity at what I wanted to say and I said yes, I knew that, and that I really just wanted to see her and that wanting to tell her things was just an excuse.
Anyway, I feel much better now I'm just being honest and open with her and comfortable moving on to pastures new. I'm feeling quite light and flexible about life.
Thanks to everyone for your help getting through what was a difficult time for us.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (16 November 2007):
Thank you for updating us on how things went.
In your words, it takes two to tango, and if she doesn't want to dance with you, you are right in moving along... And you are quite right in saying, that you are moving towards healing yourself by getting things off your chest. Also, right in saying we have no control over others.
Now it's time for you to take care of number one...
Good luck - and let me know how things go in future.
All the best...
Love & Light
M
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who has taken the time to respond.Mistify, I found your response particularly interesting and useful. To answer your questions:Yes I want to be with herYes I'm willing to make it workNo I can't make her feel anythingWe have no control over what anyone else feels, thinks or does and we have total control over what we ourselves feel, think and do. Perhaps what you mean is to ask whether I can express my desire for her in a way she will appreciate. Well, I guess that's where the Love Languages you refer to come in.I am very good at acts of service, quality time and not bad at physical touch (if I do say so myself!) but I am RUBBISH at words of affirmation and pretty poor at material gifts. My ex apparently LOVES words of affirmation, since she has told me her new boyfriend is confident about telling her how he feels and it's really good for her. I noticed when we were together that she was incredibly poor at empathising and I knew I was CR@P at words of love - my attitude was that love speaks for itself (acts of service, quality time, touch) and that love words felt like contrivances in my mouth. In fact, my response to words of love that occurred was almost toxic and I'd squash them down as soon as they ever arose and I preferred thinking of them as lies.I got hurt badly when I was 17 after I told a girl how much in love with her I was - I poured dozens of words of love into a letter to her and she freaked! I got ribbed for it at school and felt like a monster! About time I got over it right?Anyway, she is apparently "utterly in love" with someone else now. I've told her recently I'd like to see her as there were things I'd never said and I wanted to do so now. She replied after a week, saying OK but then didn't commit to a time because of work and seeing her new boyfriend so I said it's ok and that I have said to her in my head what I wanted to say, so we didn't need to meet, though i'd like to when she has the time. She then wanted to know what I wanted to say and I told her I wanted to tell her what I really appreciated about her when we were together. She said that's nice but she couldn't see what good conversations like that do either of us and it's better if we're not in contact. So I said it does me good to speak her language, to use affirmative words once more, but no contact means no words, affirmative or otherwise and it takes two to tango so I'll have to content myself with saying the words in my head.Hmm, I think I've left things nicely with her right now. I've let her know how I feel - er, I think!
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (11 November 2007):
Okay - well, then it makes sense the way i explained it.
You now have a choice to make, and so does she...
Do you WANT to be with her.
Are you WILLING to make it work.
Can you make her feel WANTED?
If your answer to all of these questions are yes, then i'd say you need to give it another go with her. On the other hand, maybe she will no be able to get over the fact that she FELT you didn't want her in the first place, but if she's willing to give it a go, then you have a lot of work to do. Sit her down, chat with her, and apologise for not making her feel wanted. You might have been doing things that she didn't notice - to make her feel wanted - but you need to start doing it in a way she will notice. Everybody speaks different LOVE languages. I've used this answer before, but i add a lot of value to it, because this is what has helped me many a time in problem situations.
The 5 Languages of Love (according to Gary Chapman) are:
- Words of Affirmation - (wow, you look great, or you are very sexy, or your food is the best)
- Acts of Service - (you help with the laundry, or pick up your socks, or carry the groceries from the car)
- Quality time - (spending time with her, with absolutely NO interruptions, and nothing else that requires your attention, like a tv, or computer or a cellphone)
- Physical touch - (this is any form of physical touch, i.e. nookie, or cuddling, or stroking, or a massage)
- Gifting - (buying her something special, or something she really needs)
Your job now, is to figure out which language she speaks, and to learn how to speak it.
For instance, my bf is VERY good with physical touch and words of affirmation, while i'm very good with acts of service and quality time.
He's had to learn to speak to me in "acts of service", thus showing he loves me, and i've had to learn "physical touch" to show him i love him...
Just like you have to figure out her language, she needs to figure out yours... It is not hard seeing the other person's language, if you just know what to look for.
Maybe pipe down on seeing each other, until you've both decided whether or not you WANT to make this work, as it is too confusing and hurtful the way it is now.
Anyway, i hope this helps.
Good luck..
Let us know how it goes...
...............................
A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Maybe she meant that YOu cannot Have her, as You are,implying she is not satisfied with you,and ur treatment of her,Or might be that she feel You dont love her Much,It depends. Have you aver cast an eye to other women?Have you ever made any comments about their looks or whatever?
Im not sure, but would much incline myslef to the fisrt One.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt may help further if you know I also posted the question today about how to stop my joy and excitement paralysing me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mistify. In answer to your questions
a) We broke up because she believed I didn't want her and that she couldn't have me
b) We were seeing each other after we broke up because we wanted each other
c) I want her and always have done
Hope this helps!
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (9 November 2007):
I think she merely thought that you acting on her invitation was funny. She made a comment that should rather have gone something like this: "I cannot believe you acted on the invitation!!! So, now that we're not together anymore, you want me?" Maybe she felt that you didn't WANT her while you guys were together. I don't know. I don't have enough information to give you a good answer.
a) why did you break up
b) why are you still seeing each other
c) do you still have feelings for her - did you ever?
Maybe your answers will lead me to mine.
...............................
|
