A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that to other people this is going to sound ridiculous, but this is a huge dilemma for me because I can't help how I feel. Maybe I'm really upset about something else and this is the tip of the iceberg. I am very uncomfortable when people take pictures of me and post them on social media without my permission, and all my friends know that it upsets me when people do that. I have a friend who has posted a series of very unflattering photos of me on Facebook even though I've told her clearly how I feel. These photos of me are hideous, and I look like a fat elephant in them. I'm sure she knows how terrible I look and I don't understand why a real friend would humiliate me, or have so little disregard for my well being that she would knowingly do something that hurts my feelings. On top of everything else, it feels like a betrayal.The other day I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I saw some photos she put up of us and it made me cringe in disgust. It literally ruined my day.I went to my mom in tears and she said that I was overreacting. I have struggled a LOT with low self esteem over the years, and I have some serious physical flaws and deformities and I am, bluntly put, ugly and I know it. Everyone with eyes knows it. I have been depressed about my weight for years but this is salt in a wound. I feel like my friend is just using me to make herself look even better. She's always being told that she is beautiful and could be a model and honestly, it's true, but it makes me sick that she seems to be exploiting me to garner all this attention. Maybe that's not the case but I feel like she has to be aware of it. I'm upset because of her thoughtlessness, but I'm upset because it's more than simple thoughtlessness. I feel like she's just a frenemy and not a true friend, and I don't understand why she is doing this when she is well aware that it hurts my feelings. It's like a nonverbal way of saying, "f*^k you." I'm crushed because I don't think she is my friend and I'm finally coming to terms with this, and it hurts. I'm also upset because there are hideous pictures of me on the Internet and I'm humiliated. I'm a quiet introvert and it's hard for me to stand up for myself, and people have run all over me all my life. I want to confront her, but I'm not sure how. So, my question is... how can I deal with this? Am I just being a drama queen? Maybe I'm being ridiculous, but this is driving me insane.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017): Hi It's me again. I wanted to elaborate on the 'goal' part. I was bullied as a child by my peers for being fat, which was a hormonal thing. I was storing fat and developing secondary sexual characteristics at a rapid pace. which my peers did not. As a result I was made fun of and not allowed to play with other kids. They would not even give me a chance to run and play with them because I'm fat. I lost weight 4 years later with lot of exercise, sports and healthy eating. On my own will power, with no parental push or anyone's suggestion. In 8th grade, I gathered all the information I could to lose weight from newspapers and health magazines. (There was hardly any internet and vast google data in those days. I was not allowed to use it much either)Everybody was surprised with my weight loss. As I grew up, I saw that although I did not get bullied anymore, I did get used, thrown around, and hurt a lot. There were friends and cousins who were very jealous of me for no apparent reason. Some people just hate others being happy or progressing in life. It was only a couple of years back, I detached and broke off from a really toxic, emotionally abusive and manipulative man, who was my first love. After lots of soul searching, learning and doing all those activities I couldn't when I was tangled in a hurtful relationship, I suddenly gained this sense of self worth I never had before! I have gained weight again. But this time I'm not at all sad about it. I intend to lose weight in the next 1 year but that's only a goal. I'm not emotionally connected to it the way I used to be. I'm happy now and will be happy even after losing weight.We have several goals-like settling down or becoming a mother someday or reaching a certain point in our career, going on a vacation to a particular place etc. However, we aren't unhappy until we finish all of them are we? In that case, no one would be happy until their never ending list of goals are all complete!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017): Hi love
I really do empathize with you. You certainly do not sound like a 'drama queen'
You do have an issue with self esteem and perception of how you look. That's a different matter all together. Cut friendship and stay away from people who are toxic to you. It would be a different matter if she was oblivious to you having a problem with her posting pictures. But it seems like she has total disregard for your requests. It looks like she took it all too lightly more than the possibility of her doing it for attention or intentionally to make you look bad.
However, if she knows that it hurts you and did it to hurt you, and if this friend keeps doing these things to you, you should really bail out of the friendship. Toxic people are like parasites. And people like that look for and attract those who possess a weak perception of self, low self worth, those who can't say 'no' and those who easily trust, plus are too genuine to identify their crooked ways. They thrive on such friendships and relationships for their constant supply of ego boost. Beware.
Don't expect everyone to ask for permission. But gently tell them while clicking away with you, not to upload any of your pics without asking first or at least crop you out of it before doing so. Tell them you are very conscious and also highly concerned with privacy.
I suggest you take counseling and improve your self worth. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it in feeling bad about yourself. If you want to see yourself slimmer, do it. But you can love yourself and be kind to yourself & enjoy life even while you are curvy, chubby whatever. Losing weight should not be anything more than one of your goals. On your way to that goal, until you reach it, you still got to enjoy life and savour every activity.
there will always be people who try to run over you. When you lose weight and become 'attractive' and 'fit', do you think everyone's going to transform into nice people. There will be jealous 'frenemies' who want to cause hurt to you. There will be men who will make love to you and then treat you like doormat. It's all about your self worth. When you have self worth, and don't take crap from people it kind of shows and then people think twice before pulling one on you. People with high self worth and mature enough to not want validation or please anyone have their own external goals that have nothing to do with what people think about them. They radiate a sense of purpose in life. They don't get angry or rude when people try to play games with them. They simply identify such people, hold a shield, draw boundaries and cooly walk around trying to find more positive people who also have their own self worth (unlike your friend who needs validation and is attention seeking). She recognized that you too are someone who needs validation, however by universal standards of modern beauty, she has an upper hand by being slim or tall or whatever.
People who really have self worth on the other hand will be more genuine people that you should seek out and mingle with. They won't put you down or hurt you and maybe, you will imbibe some of their attitude. They are usually modest and relaxed, not found showing off too much and are highly opinionated, mostly introverted and reflective. Most importantly, never jealous or sadistic!
Take care. 3
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A
female
reader, Ormskirk360  +, writes (12 May 2017):
 Firstly, your looks shouldn't factor into this.
Warn her ONCE never to post photos with you in them without your permission first. Make it clear this is a one time warning. If she does, TELL her to remove them. Social media have options to report photos for violation of privacy. Report every one, every time.
The first time she posts a photo of you after the warning, cut contact. Tell her to remove the photo(s), then delete, block, and completely remove her from your life.
Life is too short to waste on people that aren't really friends, and can't respect boundaries. Don't give her another chance. She's already had plenty.
This is a boundary issue. It isn't about your looks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): You're not in high school anymore.I get that, but since when does high school mean that you're never going to have problems with other people even again? I missed that memo! It's just the feeling of betrayal that really gets to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): Getting off on a tangent, the thing that I struggle with most in getting motivated to lose weight is that even if I lose the weight I want, I'll never have the face or hair I want. I know I need to do something about it, for my health and for my looks. I just feel so discouraged because I am so troubled by things I can't fix. My nose is so badly disfigured that it doesn't look normal. It isn't shaped like a normal nose, it's repulsive and it looks nasty. People tell me all the time that I would be pretty if I didn't have that nose. I just cringe every time I look in the mirror because it's a reminder of what others see and I often can feel people staring at me. What would you do? If you saw it, you would understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): She must be jealous of you for some particular reason.Why?I'm not saying that you are wrong, and I deeply sense that may be true. It's more than just my weight, I have real deformities. My nose isn't normal, it's been misshapen (the result of an accident in childhood) and I feel like a freak because I know people are staring at me.I'm not really "sweet" on a nice person so that can't be what she envies. I don't wear my insecurities on my sleeve, it's more a private thing.I WILL say this: A couple years ago I went through a VERY rough breakup. It was very hard on me, and I went a bit crackers from all the stress. I was an absolute mess, and my feelings were all over the place. I talked to her soon after this, and her lack of empathy opened my eyes. She said in a reproachful tone, "It's hard to feel sorry for you, because you're so beautiful and talented." Implying that I was just an attention whore feeling sorry for myself. She got married at 20 to her kindergarten sweetheart, she has never been cheated on or dumped. She's never had her heart broken.I sense she's jealous... but why?You mention my sweet nature but I don't think most people would describe me as sweet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): Please stop calling that bwitch a friend. She is a mean person who gets narcissistic-supply and twisted-pleasure from seeing you squirm and humiliated.
These words often don't work; but you shouldn't put yourself down, or compare yourself to others.
It can sometimes be a cruel world, that means we have to grow a tougher-skin in order to survive. People go after your weaknesses, and if you blow them out of proportion; you are giving them the ammunition to take you down.
You're no longer a teenager, so peer-pressure and mean-girl behavior shouldn't take such a profound toll on your self-esteem. You're not in high school anymore.
Review the statement of policies on Facebook; and post a complaint that your pictures were posted without your consent. Facebook can suspend or indefinitely cancel her subscription; or be subject to liability, if they ignore your complaint. By posting pictures with the purpose of embarrassing you or causing you distress, she is in strict violation of the Facebook Terms of Service; which directly addresses this behavior.
The more she knows this bothers you, the more she will try to hurt you. Hating your weight makes no sense. You are who you are. Weight can be gained, and it can be lost. If you want to lose weight, it is your option whenever you please. If you are happy at being you, then be you. Envy of others is a sin, for those of faith. It is a form of self-imprisonment. It stunts your growth as a person; and makes you a slave to the opinions of others.
Unlike relatives, you get to choose your friends. You can drop them when you want to; and you can also confront them when you feel they deserve a piece of your mind regarding how they treat you. She has gone out of her way to offend you, and enjoys shaming you. Nothing works better than not showing any reaction and ignoring people who attempt to embarrass us. Give her no further satisfaction. Don't quench her thirst for your tears. She must be jealous of you for some particular reason. This is very often the case. Others may love you for your sweetness and delicate nature. She despises you for it. It makes her hate herself. There are some underlying reasons for her behavior, she'll try and hide from you. She delights in causing you pain; because you cause her discomfort about her own personality. What it takes to cure that is too self-deprecating. So cut all ties!
Loving yourself is a rule and personal-obligation of life. If you can't love yourself, you cannot be lovable to others.
You don't really recognize the love from others when you can't feel it within your own being. Hating yourself just makes life miserable, your personality sours; and people will get tired of being in your self-pitying toxic-presence. So they'll either avoid you, or abandon you.
I have to give you tough love now.
Get-over yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself; because nature didn't design you according to your own specifications. Nature always allows for self-improvement. You have options available at anytime; if you want to lose weight, change your hairstyle/color, you can apply makeup, or experiment with fashion. Or, you can go to a gym. If none of these options appeal to you, than accept how nature and genetics have created you. Self-hatred is an offense to our Creator. It glorifies and pleases the evil-forces that feed on it.
You could be deaf, blind, significantly scarred, or physically-disabled to the degree of immobility; and many people may wish to trade places with you. While you wallow in self-loathing based on nothing more than the opinion of a narcissistic vane little tart, who has the sensitivities and heart of a pitchfork-carrying tail-wagging she-devil. Feel free to quote me! Someone you mistakenly call a friend.
Grow-up!!!
Everyone is born with talents and beauty unique to themselves. If you can't find it, it's because you're not looking for it. That's spiteful! You prefer to fit yourself into a bad place. All of your own doing. You have the power to set yourself above the bad opinions of others; you're nearly 30, and you still haven't learned that.
Mummy shouldn't kiss your scraped-knee anymore! If she gives you advise, at least listen with some respect for the love she offered in trying to console you. Don't dismiss what she says like she's a dumb fool! She was right! For your age, you were definitely overreacting!
Show some girl-power! For crying out-loud, girlfriend!!!
Sweetheart, life and youth is too short. You better find a way to enjoy both before it's gone!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 You need to talk to her. Honestly I doubt she done this to upset you, it is not her fault that you have such low self esteem. She posted picture of you as her friend, I know to you it feels bad because you feel ugly.
Honestly you need to get help with your issues. You cannot spend life hating yourself and the way you look. Have you tried to loose weight and exercise more? Have you tried to allow yourself to be happy? Is it possible you have depression? You should go and seek the help that you need, but also join a slimming group for the support to loose weight.
It is okay for your mum to say you are over reacting, but I can understand that you hate yourself so much you don't want to see pictures off yourself, I understand that. Try speaking to your friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): People who post pictures of you against your wishes or your permission (either explicit or implicit) are invading your privacy. It's wrong. Without question.However, things like this do happen, it is a part of life. It might not be malicious - Perhaps for these people it is a misguided attempt to be inclusive, and express their acceptance of you as part of their social group. It doesn't sound like they are bullies. You will have to decide that for yourself.Even though they are in the wrong, you need a way of dealing with such things which is not so emotionally stressful for you. You CAN NOT insulate your entire life from things that upset you. You cannot change others (unless they want to change). You can change yourself.My advice: seek an opportunity here for you to productively address some of your issues - whether self esteem, body image, ability to stand up for yourself, or choice of friends, or something else, then take it. It could even be something unrelated, like music or volunteering. Depression is the worst if you let it suck all the energy and desire to improve your situation. But if you push past any useless feelings like self-pity and depression, channel the emotional energy from being upset into something productive. In no way is this a condemnation of you - I would say the same to anyone, no matter how accomplished, beautiful, or successful they are. Pick something (even something small) you can improve about yourself, work on on it, and enjoy every little success or improvement. Look forward to being a better person (in whatever way YOU choose) tomorrow than you are today. Seek out good people who will support your efforts and celebrate every little success with you and not make you feel small or worthless. If it's only just your mom for now, then it's your mom.It's extremely unlikely that you are as physically unattractive as you claim. I can't say for sure, as I haven't seen you, but that's true of most people, even those without self-esteem problems. Regardless, there are lots of people who don't care - or at least know deep down they shouldn't care - how others look, and value real human qualities. Maybe you need to find them. Maybe you have already found them, and you might want to recognize them and say thanks for being my friend. Not because it would be good for them, because it would be good for you. Then you can talk to them about posting photos. And if they are really friends, don't worry if they are not listening to you. Listen to what they have to say.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 May 2017):
 I'm with your mother, you're over reacting.
She's definitely not uploading pictures to make herself look better, she's uploading it because she wants to put it on social media. Some people are better looking than others, that's just life, I really don't think she's gone through the thought process thinking that you look terrible and she looks great therefore she must post the picture to gain compliments.
If you're upset about your weight then why don't you do something about it? Why would you just sit in sadness feeling sorry for yourself over it if you're not happy? The only person that can make yourself think more positively over your own body is YOU!
I have plenty of awful photos of me posted on social media that my friends put up and I couldn't care less. You know why? Because they're from experiences in my life that I enjoyed and had good memories from, which I am sure your friend is thinking from a similar outlook.
Maybe it would be a good idea to look into counselling for your low self esteem issues.
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A
male
reader, rasblak  +, writes (11 May 2017):
It does not at all sound ridiculous. Because I'm aware we're only hearing one side's point of view, I usually avoid dispensing this kind of black and white advice: Run. Put as much distance as you can between that 'friend' and you.
Something is wrong, you know it. Even though you can't fully explain it, what you are feeling, the way you are feeling is real. You are being emotionally abused.
Finding out why this person is doing this; talking about it; trying to work it out, get the person to stop. None of this would amount to making good use of your time.
Find yourself other friends; there's nothing to say, nothing to talk about -- just walk away with dignity, confident that this is you taking charge of the situation.
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