A
male
age
26-29,
*uteboy287
writes:I am 20 years old (nearly 21) and I have been seeing someone since December 2016 who was 37 but is now 38. We met online on a dating app, things were great at the start, we both hinted we were looking for a relationship and on our first date we went out and just had a kiss - didn't do anything sexual. I thought this was great, someone who likes my company and isn't just after sex. We speak everyday via text, and we met again for the second time quite shortly after. We were at his house and we played around but didn't have sex (everything but) it was great and we are both sexually attracted to each other. Not long after at the end of January I finally let him have sex with me, it was amazing and the best I've ever had. I feel like there's such a connection between us and when we have sex he clearly enjoys it as sometimes he can only last 5-10 minutes (which doesn't really bother me too much). We continued to see each other and we still had sex. I felt like it was going really well and so roughly 3 months into us seeing each other I decided to ask where we were, in terms of a relationship etc. This went really badly, I ended up quite upset, he basically said he didn't want a relationship right now or couldn't promise anything. He said he was hurt by his previous ex (understandably, he fell hard for him and later found out he was a sex addict having sex with different guys every moment he wasn't with him). I left quite upset, clearly to him, he was concerned about me but the texting sort of phased out that week. By this time I feel like I'd really fell hard for him. It was 1 week later at the weekend, I felt lonely so I messaged him saying did he want to meet and wanted to chat again. We met up that evening, and because I was so afraid of losing him I proposed that we still see each other but on a sex only basis, basically friends with benefits. This is not what I wanted, but I had this idea in my head that if I kept seeing him then maybe he would see me as a boyfriend once he really got to know me etc. That night we had amazing sex, I stayed round his and then we did it again in the morning. He mentioned that the age gap between us could be a problem, but what I really fail to understand is why he agreed to meet me in the first place as I was always open about my age on my app profile so I felt this was a poor excuse. Or, he just wanted to have sex with me and led me on to believe he was looking for a relationship. I am a very mature 20 year old, nearly 21, I have a good job right now with a satisfactory salary, I have a great career ahead of me which I am focused on and im a genuinely lovely person. I am a 'cute' twinky looking boy, I wouldn't say that I am ugly and I've been told I'm good looking. My friends say that I am better looking than him and could do better, but I am so besotted I don't want anyone else. I come from a lovely family who would welcome him with open arms. Another possible problem is that a lot of the time he wants me to stay round his house however I still live with my parents and I feel like the only time I can stay round his is at the weekend as during the week I work and have early starts, plus my parents would question why I am staying out during the week. I haven't told my parents about him purely because how do I say it?He's a f^^k buddy? I don't want to say anything to my parents that may reflect badly on him as I want them on my side, as I really want one day that we are together. I think this troubles him because he lives on his own and when we have sex he likes to just fall asleep and cuddle. I love this too and I'd love to stay round his house during the week, all it would take is I tell my parents I'm seeing someone/I have a boyfriend and it would be fine. I would happily move in with him tomorrow if this was proposed. So from February to now we have been seeing each other about twice a week, we don't always have sex but when we do the intensity and passion is still there. What puzzles me is that we still go on days out, dates really, we go to the cinema, go for walks, go to the coast. Things that couples would do. So I'm confused, what does he want? I get mixed signals a lot. I do all the driving down to his (30 minute journey), he never comes up to me, but this is because I can never really have him round my house as I live with family. I wouldn't mind him meeting my family but again I'd want to introduce him as my boyfriend not just a friend. There was a period he wasn't well and I was really caring and was there for him. I got him medicine, and hopefully showed him that I was there for him when he was poorly and when he needed someone the most. More recently he has been quieter messaging me, and I have noticed that in his bedside drawer he used to have 3 condoms now there are none.He doesn't use condoms with me. So clearly he is having sex with someone else, which, I don't really have a leg to argue on as we were never anything official or serious (in his head). I feel like this is my fault because I haven't said anything for so long or said how I truly feel. My question is how to I approach this? I get nervous around him so I was thinking of writing a letter but I'm just afraid it will ruin everything like what happened last time when I approached the subject of wanting a relationship. I get nervous purely because I am in love with him and don't want to say anything wrong or anything that may turn him against me. I'm scared that he will say that he doesn't want anything and I never see him again. I'm scared that the feelings won't be reciprocated. I'm scared that he will tell me that he's seeing someone else and is pursuing a relationship with them instead.What's the best way to tell him? And am I being silly or blinded by love? Is he using me or do you think he actually likes me? Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 May 2017):
 Honestly he is using you, he has so much more life experience than you and he should know better than to string someone along at your age. Yes you may be mature for your age but he is still using you for sex. Okay so you may go out places, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with you, it means he is just passing time with you. Honestly please open your eyes and stop seeing this man, you are going to end up with your heart in a million places. You are blinded by love, but you know deep down he just wants sex.
Another thing, why are you not using condoms? Seriously? Surely if you are as mature as you say you are then you would know that he could pass on anything to you. Are you not worried about your health? First thing you need to do is get yourself booked in to a clinic for testing, second thing is end things with him, block all contact, and thirdly give yourself time to get over him and realize you can do so much better, and lastly never allow someone to have sex with you or vice versa unless protection is used.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): By the way, the old excuse he was hurt by an ex is bullsh*t!
That line is always the excuse to use you for sex, and to kill any expectation for something more. His ex can't hurt him now; unless he's still with him.
Don't look for a boyfriend, they usually just happen upon you when you don't expect it. You can't make people love you on demand, it has to happen if the chemistry is right. If they are enjoying dating you, that is no indication they are in-love, they just like the sex and enjoy being with you. That is all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2017): What is the matter with you???
You are not using condoms when you aren't in a committed-relationship!!! You are having frequent unprotected-sex, and placing yourself at risk for HIV and other STD's! As a gay man, I am quite distressed to read this. You are not as mature as you claim. Risky-behavior is foolish behavior. It is a danger to yourself, and others who come in-contact with you sexually.
In the USA, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a new drug called Truvada, for the protection against HIV infection. Look into it. It might not be as expensive in the UK as it is here. Any medication that saves lives in America has an extortious price; and isn't covered or available under most healthcare plans. I won't get started on healthcare in America.
Go get yourself tested; and get a full STD-panel. If he eventually rejects you; you'll have no idea of what you might be passing on to someone else. If he takes that risk with you, he could be having unprotected-sex with others. It doesn't make you special, just foolish. Being a gay man such irresponsible and reckless behavior in young gay people drives me crazy!!! It's your health and your life!
Age-differences in the gay-culture tends to make very unstable and unpredictable relationships. The younger of the two always claims they're in it for the long-haul; but as soon as someone attractive and closer to their own age comes along, they suddenly up and leave. They are more likely to cheat in the relationship. I have seen it happen again and again. It's almost so common, it's to be expected.
If money is involved, they tend not to leave so quickly; normally they're replaced for a younger model. That's where the older-guy has the upper-hand. He provides financial-security and unlimited generosity based on regular sex, fidelity, and some pretense of loyalty. It is often the only reason the younger man is there. If they earn equally, there is still the threat of temptation and infidelity; which is rampant in gay relationships. Even among the married!
Whether you're in-love with him is debatable. At your age you can become easily infatuated; and swept away by the ideal of being in-love. Young gay men are more interested in securing a boyfriend; than actually knowing the real depth of your feelings. We more-mature gay men have been where you are, so we know better. It's better to date for a long period to see how things will develop. You also get to test the consistency of these feelings on both sides; because they are often more superficial than they are emotional.
You can introduce him to your parents as your friend. That's what he is. You don't have to introduce him to your parents at all if you don't want to. Don't you have friends? You never introduce them to your parents? Why?
He has agreed to the terms of being friends with benefits. He is doing you a disservice by not using condoms, and now that you suspect he may be seeing other men; you can start undoing your feelings. He has made it clear he will date but will not commit.
You are not blinded by love, but over-taken with your infatuation. He has to reciprocate your feelings and agree to what you want. You offered him an option on terms other than commitment; therefore, that is what you are receiving.
Get tested.
FWB is just a manipulative-tactic that usually doesn't work. You get jealous and frustrated when your friend finds someone else he'll choose to be committed to; and he will keep you on the side, or dump you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 May 2017):
 Listen, stop wasting your time.
What are you expecting to happen? For him to suddenly decide that he's in love with you and wants you to be his BF?? Give your head a wobble, this is NEVER going to happen.
You're giving him sex on a plate, this is exactly what he wanted all along and you're eating out the palm of his hand. He is NOT special, he is NOT what you want in a man and he is NOT the man for you.
He is using you for sex, you say you don't want this so why are you accepting it? Tell us what is special about him? He likes your company and you have good sex? That's all I can gather from your post, he doesn't fulfil any of your actual relationship needs which is what you clearly want from him.
Why are you confused? He has told you EXACTLY what he wants...no commitment. He couldn't be more clear, all I had to do was read your post and I know exactly what his intentions are so why can't you see it?
You're scared because YOU KNOW he doesn't want anything serious with you and you don't want to lose contact. You know what? The best thing that could possibly happen to you is for him to DISSAPEAR from your life so that you can find someone that wants the same things as you.
Believe me, I have been in this exact situation that you are and it does not end well. You are going to be hurt, and I mean very hurt, but you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO cut contact with this man. You will NOT at ANY POINT end up in a relationship with this man. The sooner that you realise that, which deep down I think you already know, the sooner you can start healing.
Think about it like this, if he wanted a relationship with you, wouldn't you already be in it? You care about this guy way too much and he doesn't feel the same. The longer you keep seeing him the more heartache you're going to cause for yourself. This is someone talking from experience.
Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself, cut ties, heal and move on to find someone who's on the same wavelength as you are.
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