A
female
age
41-50,
*ach2242
writes:For those of you that haven't read my previous question, I am a 25 year old white female who is dating a 19 year old black male. He treats me really good and we have good time together...but lately we have been fighting alot. In the beginning of the relationship we had problem with his mom not wanting us to date but she has left that alone now....and I was also (and still am a little) insecure as the only 2 serious relationships I have been in left me with emotional scars and as a single mom with no help from the father. Anyways...I get really upset with my boyfriend (and have mentioned this to him repeatedly) because I want to spend more time together and I don't want to be the one always asking to hang out. I work 2 jobs and don't have alot of time. I see him Tuesday and Thursday nights (at about 7 and he usually stays night then I get up in morning and go to work). Then I see him Saturday nights cuz I usually go to the club where him and his friend hang out...and he comes and stays with me after that and we spend Sunday together til I work at 4 or 5...sometimes he stays and watches my son and I see him after work...and sometimes he doesn't.BUT...this is the thing...he will mention that his friend wants him to hang Saturday after club to play Halo (the video game) but he doesn't ever go cuz I get mad. And sometimes he says he can't stay on Tues or Thurs cause he works in a.m. but he has no problem going out Wednesday nights if he works Thursday a.m...and then he says its cause his friend will get mad if he doesn't go. Sometimes I feel like if I don't ask him to come over I won't ever see him...or that if I didn't get mad about him going to friends house after we go out Saturday he would go. I used to ask him everyday if I could see him...if he would come stay with me after I work at night...and then I just gave up and I ask him bout Tues, Thurs and to stay Saturday cause that's when I actually have time to hang out...but what I really want is for him to put in effort to see me..but I try it and when he doesn't ask I get really upset and he ends up coming over cause I'm mad.I really do love him...but I can't say that he is the one...sometimes I think I just like someone to be around and that I'm scared not to have someone to pay attention to me or someone to hang out with. My life is pretty much work, my son and my boyfriend...when I'm not working I want to be around my kid and my boyfriend.I have told him how I feel...and that I think sometimes he is making up reasons why he can't hang out...it bothers me that I want to spend so much time together and it doesn't seem to make a difference to him.
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female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Hi there.
Your situation seems really sad, and i'm sorry for what you are going through. I agree with what mamma2three said. Are you in this relationship for the right reasons?
I am also a single mother, also with no support from the father, and i know how hard it can be. I also know how hard it is to work really hard to support yourself, and to have little time to spend with your child, and anyone else who is special in your life, and i also know how badly you crave 'adult' conversation.
BUT I really think your boyfriend is not mature enough to be in a relationship with you. Having a child is a major responsibility, and although he may be GREAT with your child, and look like the perfect partner, he in actual fact is not ready for such a mature relationship. From your post i gather that he would much rather hang out with the boys. This is normal for someone of his age. Heck - i think this is normal for a guy of ANY age, but the thing is, he is WAY too young to accept responsibility for you and your child. I've searched long and hard for a partner in the 5 years since i fell pregnant with my daughter. I've had a couple of boyfriends, but at soon as a situation becomes too real for them, they've all backed out.
A year and a half ago i met the man of my dreams. We currently live together, and he is like a father to my daughter. I guess what i'm trying to say, is to not just settle for second best.
Agreed - single mothers do take a backseat when guys look for girlfriends, but HONESTLY - you are worth so much more than your boyfriend is currently offering you. You don't have to settle for the first guy who comes along and gives you attention.
Please mail me if you want to chat more. I've been exactly where you are now, and i'm very happy that i saw the light...
Good luck - let us know how it goes...
A
female
reader, Rach2242 +, writes (3 January 2008):
Rach2242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response...my boyfriend is a GREAT guy...I really do love spending time with him...and I know when I tell him things he understands...I talked to him again today about this and he says when I'm not working he assumes we are going to hang out...but my argument is I'm the one that always asks to make sure and I hate having to do that b/c then it makes me feel like he doesn't really care cuz I don't feel like he is putting in effort to see me. So he said he would put in the effort and he doesn't mean to make me feel that way and he is trying to make time for everyone.
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A
female
reader, mama2three +, writes (3 January 2008):
 Are you sure that you are ready for a relationship? Regardless of how long it's been, are you sure you're in a relationship for the right reasons? You said in your post that you're not sure if you're just afraid to be alone, basically? Am I right?
I have the same problem, I'm a very co-dependent person, always have been. I've always had to be around people to feel secure, to feel love, and when there isn't anyone there, I'm just super bummed out.
So, evaluate the relationship, decide if this is someone you want to spend your time with, because with your life being your work and your son, you want to make sure any *extra* time you have is spent doing things you want to do or being with someone you TRULY want to be with!
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