A
female
age
51-59,
*orkshire girl
writes:Okay.. I have been seeing this guy since last July, and we hit it off straight away. He is 10 years older than me and had just come out of a 23 year relationship.. He has 2 children, one of 10 and another 20.. He moved out and rented his own flat. He has always kept in contact with his ex for the sake of the children. I have one child who is 15.. I had been single for 5 years as I have been in violent relationships and they were never faithful.. so this guy swept me off my feet.A couple of months into the relationship he suggested buying somewhere together, at least then his youngest boy could sleep over and we could be together. However, this never materialised.. back in November he started getting cold towards me and kept pushing me away, however, i was head over heals in love with him, as i had never been treated so nicely by anyone before.. We arranged to spend Christmas with my parents with his youngest but a couple of weeks before he said that he couldnt take his child away from his mother at that time of the year, which i fully understand being a mum myself. For a while, i realised something wasnt quite right with our relationship and i suspected something was up.. call it gut instinct, but a week before Christmas, i looked at his phone (i know very very wrong thing to do) but i found loads of texts to loads of different women, however there were pictures of these women naked and pictures of certain body parts of his..(gross) i, understandably went nuts.! i needed to know why, and how long this had been going on for. He then told me he had extremely low self esteeme and hated the way he looked and throughout his relationship with his ex partner she constantly put him down. (this has been confirmed by friends of the family) i forgave him, because i was crazy about him.Christmas came and went, i obviously still had doubts, however we started to rebuild our relationship. at the beginning of February, he informed me that he would have to move back into his old house, as he was paying £1,400 mortgage and £700 month rent.. and he couldnt financially survive, (his ex partner works 2 nights a week and refuses to work any more than that) therefore, she couldnt afford to pay more towards the mortgage. He desperately missed his children and so moved in.He has reassured me that they sleep in separate bedrooms, and i believe him as she is aware that he comes around here.. and we have recently been away on holiday together.however just before this, i mooched through his phone again (i know, i know) and found loads of pictures of this South Korean woman,. i went bananas again.. and ended up slapping him across the face. i have felt overwhelming guilt for doing this.. anyway, my head is soo battered.. i have no idea if i should stay with this guy, i love him so much.. everytime i try not to contact him, i just cant seem to do it.. i supose its liken an obsession.. i am crazy about him.. but i know he has no plan of moving out in the near future.. however i am away that his ex still loves him, but they have nothing in common.. am i being a complete idiot and clinging onto something that isnt going to work.. or is there light at the end of the tunnel.. i know this guy loves me.. and i am the one constant thing in his life.. he has had a really really bad time of it over the years and i suppose i want to be there for him.. and he reassures me that onces everything is sorted out at home and work (huge probelms there) then we will be able to sort thing out.. your feedback etc.. would be most appreciated.. but please be gentle :O)
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christmas, his ex, moved in, moved out, on holiday, self esteem, text, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (17 April 2008):
 Hurrah you sound like a very sensible balanced person, I am so glad you have seen the light. There are so many people who come on here and put up with a load of crap and very seldom see the light. Hence they continue making excuses for their unbalanced partners and think they can change them over night.
Relationships is a very complex thing and you have to work at them together equally 100% you gotta nurture,compromise and accept them warts and all. The very best of luck to you Hun and I hope you find a lovely man who will treat you like a Queen. Please in future do not accept anything less and do not compromise with respect with guys.Dusky xxxxxxxxx
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 He sounds like a mess.
I have this rule never to date separated or recently divorced men. They simply aren't ready to move on. They usually try to find someone to date quickly as they are lonely but that woman is the rebound girl. The rebound girl nurses him through a messy divorce and does all these wonderful things for him and then one day he ends it because he is healed and ready to move on.
I know that you love this man but that is only half of the equation. He has to love you too and his actions say he doesn't. The naked photos, the texting of other women, and moving back with his ex scream "not in love"
As painful as it is to do for you, I hope you consider letting this one go.
Best wishes and keep us updated on what happens!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 What a lovely response, Danielepew.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 April 2008):
 As duskyrowe said, he's probably going through a mid-life crisis. And you're part of it.
Now - this is complicated, so try and follow and I'll try to explain (I've seen it many times):
First, just because he's playing on the phone amd/or Internet DOESN'T (necessarily) mean he's playing in reality or that you're not the one he really wants. BUT neither does it mean you're the one he DOES want.
DON'T be put off by the "baggage". No one, or almost no one, gets to their late 30s or early 40s without some baggage.
Your problem, and what you absolutely HAVE to know is whether you are only just one more part of his mid-life crisis/fantasy or whether there is much more to it from his side.
YOU need to keep your feet firmly on the ground - which, I know only too well, is incredibly difficult to do when you've met someone that every bit of your mind and body is telling you is special. I suggest that you really cannot afford to rush this until you are completely sure.
You say you have a 15-year-old? Kids of that age are FAR more perceptive than most people give them credit for (at least, when it's not their own relationship!!). Talk about it. Talk about him. Above all, however urgent it all seems, DON'T RUSH.
Good luck.
Susan
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A
female
reader, Yorkshire girl +, writes (17 April 2008):
Yorkshire girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust tried to send a thank you note to you all.. but it didnt send, so if i have duplicated, i apologise..
your advice etc has been most helpful.. i have gone through hell and back with this guy and really, for nothing.. i am ending things this evening (we were supposed to be going out, but he cancelled at the last minute as the ex had to work) and i deserve more than this kind of life...
again, thank you so much for your kind words
xx
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A
female
reader, Yorkshire girl +, writes (17 April 2008):
Yorkshire girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys.. my poor head.. i have tried to end it in the past but i have always gone back.. dont ask me why.. im a muppett.!! fortunately the summer is on its way and i will just have to keep busy.. and loose this moron..
your kind words have help me make a decision.. and thats leave him to his own devices..
xx
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 Dear Yorkshire girl, you're not an idiot, but a woman in love. When we're overtaken by emotion, we do things we wouldn't do. No one with a heart would call you an idiot.
In my way of thinking, our role here is to help you see your situation in an emotionally detached manner. We can't decide for you, and wouldn't, anyways, because it is your life. I'm also convinced that this is the true way in which you take control of your life. If someone else decides for you and does things for you, there's no good for you really.
Here we have a man who finished a very long relationship with his wife, and started to put emotional distance between himself and his wife. Now he is retracing his steps, and has actually gone back to where he was once.
This is a decision he made on his own, though he had a relationship with you, and, therefore, should have taken your opinions and feelings in due consideration. If he had told you that he couldn't financially survive, perhaps you would have found him a little corner in your bed rather than seeing him go back to that home. But he acts first and informs you later. He gives you the accomplished facts, not options. In other words, you have to take whatever he wishes to give you. This is the way it's always been in your relationship.
Was his ex-wife's home the only place he could have gone to?
As to missing his children, I understand that. But, does it mean that he has to live with his ex-wife again? What about you? Did he stop for a minute to consider that, perhaps, you would leave him?
He had a relationship with you, yet he was texting other women, and exchanging nude pictures with them. And he has done this TWICE. It doesn't seem like what a man in love would do.
If I were you, I would suspect him of doing way more than just receiving pictures of naked women.
I know that sometimes couples sleep in the same bed and they don't even touch each other, or talk to each other. But, what would you think of another man who went to live back with his ex, who, in your opinion, is still in love with him? Do you think she might just try to get him to sleep with her?
If I see this relationship of yours as a battle between the ex-wife and the new girlfriend, the ex-wife is winning.
Your way of acting suggests that you think he will give you happiness. Happiness is not inside of you, nor is it something you can get by yourself; he will bring it. In exchange for that, you're willing to forgive the awful things he's done.
His having gone through bad experiences in life is no excuse for making you live in pain. You don't have to take whatever he gives you, dear; he has to give you something worth your efforts, or then he can go.
I agree with Daniellexxxx. The longer you stay there, the more hurt you will end up.
In my opinion, you should let him go, but, more importantly, you shouldn't expect anyone to give you happiness, but instead should create it for yourself.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (17 April 2008):
OMG Where does one start? Ok here goes.....
I think this guy is going through a mid-life crisis and here is why. He has naked photos of women on his mobile, so my guess is he is getting his jollies elsewhere. I mean he has been with his ex for 23 years and wants to see if he is still attractive to women, cos his ex used to put him down all the time. You see he is almost past his prime so before he can settle in any relationship he still wants to sow his wild oats. I totally do not buy, that he isn't getting it elsewhere, explain to me why he has naked pictures of women on his phone and then he pulls the wool over your eyes by saying that he has moved back with his ex and that they sleep separate rooms.
I think this jerk is taking you for a mug, move on and find a guy with less or no baggage.
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (17 April 2008):
 I feel really sorry for you hun, he sounds like hes a prat and is messing you about, the pictures on his phone all the time i mean he's got to be cheating. Hun you deserve better you need to end this relationship and move on there are loads more nice men out there that arnt living with there ex still! You have to get out as he will only hurt you more in the future.
Good luck and let us know what happens x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I think you should call it quits. Seems a bit too complicated. There is too much history between the man and the mother of his children and now they are living together. Go with your gut feeling. It is never wrong!
All the best!
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