A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:I need to get this out of my system. This may seem weird to some people but I would prefer a nonjudgmental point of view.I have always wanted a boyfriend that was a little clingy/jealous/possessive. Why? Because it really really really sucks feeling likeI'm the only one that cares all the time, I'm the only one that wants to spend time together. I'm not saying he has to be superpossessive to the point where he gets controlling. But just the feeling like he would worry about me or worry about losing me would feel really nice.Right now I'm dating this guy for several months now and we're getting comfortable with each other and I'm starting to think about a realfuture with him. He's pretty affectionate and caring but sometimes I feel like he's too chill. He is extravert and goes out a lot. I can't helpbut to worry at times. He has so much friends that I can't even keep track of and it gets uncomfortable for me because I have veryfew friends and I'm pretty introverted. We went out the other day with a friend of his. I acted really friendly and almost flirtatiousto his buddy. My boyfriend did not even notice.I've always admired girls that had boyfriends to make sure they were always safe, taken care of, and just really loved. I don't want tosettle for less but sometimes I can't tell the difference between if I'm settling or if I'm asking for the moon. I know when it comes topsychology attachment theory, usually anxiety attachment personality (me) pairs up with someone who is secure, or avoidance. I know itwould be a huge mess if two anxious people were together...but just a little bit to show me he cares?How will I know if he's the one?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): I dont think you are asking too much. actually, I think it would be easier to have a boyfriend who has some of these characteristics as well. Ive dated guys before who just couldnt understand why i would be so upset over them getting lap dances or constantly talking sexual about other girls. youd think after a while, theyd learn females are sensitive to it to at least a degree, or perhaps even that its rude. Also, I've dated guys who i wanted to shower with love and compliments, yet they dont like the lack of chase and the new confidence makes them more likely to attempt to cheat.
Im the type of person who can go beyond pleasing the more extreme types of insecure partners, though i know it probably seems exhausting to everyone else.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2013):
 I think you need to ask yourself WHAT about this guy (your BF) did you fall in love with?
Do you expect him to become some ideal fantasy you have in your head? Because THAT is not who he is. THAT is not the guy you fell in love with. He will not change into the "ideal" guy you have dreamed up. He shouldn't HAVE to. You need to love him for him and ACCEPT that he DOES care about you. And that he CAN care about you without being jealous or clingy.
A guy who is jealous, clingy and needy is NOT MORE in love with you, then a guy who isn't. He is just more insecure and not trusting. He doesn't want YOU for you, but to make HIM look better/feel better/seem better. The relationship isn't about YOU & him, but him & his ego.
I understand the notion you have that one who is possessive loves you - but I think you got that totally wrong.
Like CaringGuy mentioned, you need to figure out if you actually have enough in common with this guy to make it work. If you WANT it to work, without him having to do a 180 to please you.
I personally think having an introvert and an extrovert in a relationship is a good thing, it can create a balance that neither had before. Though in many cases it benefits the introvert much more then the extrovert.
Don't be fake around his friends, don't flirt to try and get a raise out of your BF, BE who YOU are and let him be who HE is. Or you will eventually alienate him. And honestly, it is rather juvenile to try and make him jealous because you think jealousy = caring.
Would it be a huge mess with two insecure people in a relationship? Yes I think it would, I think there would be a huge lack of trust, honesty and actual caring.
ACCEPT the guy for who he is. If you can't, then end it.
There is a great book called 5 Languages of love. Each person wants to express and receive love in a certain way (just like you think you want clingy/needy). It's a good book to try and understand your partner.
1. Words of Affirmation - This language uses words to affirm other people.
2. Acts of Service - For these people, actions speak louder than words.
3. Receiving Gifts - For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
4. Quality time - This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
5. Physical touch - To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
A couple don't have to "speak" the same language, but it DOES help if they know what language their partner speaks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): I understand what you are saying. You wanted to feel wanted. But on the other hand, trust is the main thing in a relationship. If you was flirtatious and he did notice he trusts you enough that you are not going to cheat on him. Have you thought maybe you are the one that is too needy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 September 2013):
There is a big difference between someone who protects you or cares for you, or makes you feel safe, and someone who is jealous and possessive. You're not the only person who has posted about this, there have been a few others as well.
I am positive that in any situation where you were in danger, your boyfriend would step up to the mark. What you have is a boyfriend who trusts you entirely, which is much better than the opposite, even if you don't think that yet. You seem to be thinking that to show he cares, he must be jealous - but that would only show him up as insecure, and most definitely not someone you would want to be with if you were looking to stay with him forever.
I would suggest, that if you feel you're a little uncared for, you speak to him and come up with some ways maybe show it more without him turning into a wreck. You don't need the hassle of jealousy creeping in.
I would also sit down and really think about whether you want to be with this guy. Do you have enough in common that you can be together, and is he someone you want to spend the rest of your life with as he is, because he probably won't change.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2013):
 But, from what you say, he DOES show he cares- didn't you say he's pretty affectionate and caring ? The fact that he is an extrovert with a wide social circle is not a proof that he does not care - it's just his personality , his way of being, - and if you ended up together, you must have been attracted to that too, I'd think. In fact, maybe you have been attracted to him precisely because he is such an extrovert, so different from you - often, that we realize it or not, we seek in other people the qualities and traits we don't have ( but we'd love to have ).
It sounds like you don't need him to be more caring, just more insecure and neurotic :)
Even persons with a secure attchment modality loathe the idea of losing those whom they love, or like. They are human, and humans do not like losses and unwanted changes.
So, in this sense, he may be afraid of losing you just like the next guy. The difference is that he would not be focusing on that all the time, and his fear would not be instantly triggered y the most irrelevant detail . His threshold of sensitivity to " danger " of abandonment is ( healthily and sensibly ) higher. Like, if you are nice and friendly with his friends - and if by " almost flirtatious " you mean not intentionally seductive, but playful and feminine - what should he be afraid of ? At most he will be pleased that you made an effort to be engaging with his friends , and that they find you likeable.
It sounds to me that what you reproach to this guy is not that he does not care about you, but that he does not ONLY care about you, he also cares about his friends, and having a life beyond his romantic life . I think, unless there are other specific things and episodes that you haven't told us, this is pretty normal , and that if he enjoys your relationship without the constant nagging superstitious fear that somehow, " something " is going to take you away from him, we can't consider this a minus.
Lastly, I 'd invite you to beware of what you wish for, you might even get it. The clingy needy jealous possessive boyfriend that thinks of you 24/7 sounds oh so romantic in theory... in practice,... try one and you'll see, I doubt you'd be as happy with the results as you imagine now.
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