A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a guy that I been talking to for over a year now. He is simply amazing: funny, sweet, caring, and easy on the eyes if I might add. *grins* We aren’t boyfriend or girlfriend but there is a definite mutual attraction there. We also live over a 1,000 miles apart. We IM each other, text, talk on the phone, and until my laptop with my webcam died we also would video chat occasionally. I really do care about this guy a LOT which makes what I about to say next very difficult to say… I have been keeping a secret from him that I am terribly afraid might ruin everything. A little over 10 years ago I was in a bad place in my life. I won’t go into too many specifics other than to say the thing that caused me to go over the edge was this creepy guy stalking me and then trying to get me in his car late one night as I was leaving work. It was just too much. I turned to food to cope and I gained a LOT of weight – fast – ballooned up to over 300 pounds at my worst. For several years I did not care if I lived or died – I just existed. I was depressed, was very withdrawn, etc. It was a very miserable time of my life. Eventually I turned things around, began dieting and exercise and lost most of the weight. But one does not gain all that weight and then lose it without having certain… consequences. Big boobs that hang down to my stomach, flabby stomach with stretch marks, messed up thighs with too much excess skin, etc. When the clothes come off it is not the most appealing to look at. To this day I still have some difficulties staring at myself in the mirror for longer than a few seconds; the sight of me the way I look disgusts me because I did it to myself. I want to get surgery to fix things, but it is not in my budget at the moment. The thing that is killing me is this guy has NO clue. He is always telling me that I am “sexy”… and every time I feel guilty because it isn’t true. I am sorry but there is NOTHING sexy about me when the clothes are off. We talk about the things we will do once we meet up around the holidays (something that I insisted that I go out to visit him first because if he doesn’t like me, at least it is on my dime and not his) and well, dang it sex is one of those things. I am very scared that he might get instantly turned off because I look ugly naked. I am determined to tell him about my past before even truly entertaining the idea of being intimate with him but I am just not sure how I should go about it.What I was thinking was waiting and telling him in person. But before booking the ticket (was thinking of making it a quick weekend visit) I would put up the stipulation that I just want this to be a friendly visit without sex, just to see if he likes me as a PERSON first. I know that will confuse him but my thought process was to see how the weekend goes – which I am sure would go pretty good regardless, and then tell him that morning before flying back home over breakfast.I am just not sure that is the way to go about it though. I could tell him on the phone, but I don’t like that. I could also tell him on IM since that is how we currently communicate the most frequently by, but that just seems so cold and impersonal. In short, I am stuck on how I should go about telling him that I am not the “sexy” girl he might be thinking I am! Cute? Tells me this all the time. Funny? He seems to think so! Caring? He likes to point that out to me as well. But Sexy? No… not that. He really is amazing and has been the best thing to enter my life in a very long time. But I also want the best for him – he deserves it – and I don’t know how to approach such a topic. So I come to you all for some much-needed help and advice… I really do need it!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): To me whatever attraction you share with him might not be real. Because it might be different when you see him in person too. You can never tell.
You know, honestly you don't have to worry about your figure.
because true love does not depends on that aspect. You might be super pretty and sexy but your inside is ugly, its useless. No guy can last with somebody who is a bomb shell but has attitude problem.
That attraction will just lasts for a month or 2 or 3 or a year and then that relationship is over.
If this guy truly cares for you, he wont even care whether your sexy or not.
If that matters to him then he doesn't deserve you. You deserve better than him. But lets not jump into a conclusion maybe his not superficial type of person.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, wanderlustinginmyself  +, writes (20 September 2013):
 You should tell him about what happened. Don't feel ashamed by it! If he doesn't leave you after, you know he really likes you, the real you. Take this as a test for him. It's really great that both of you are meeting up, due to the long distance. I think you should call him up, yes it may seem scary but that's how you know what he really thinks. Just tell him how you feel about you both meeting, and sex is not really an option for you. Let me know how it goes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): I know what you mean. I am in a similar situation. I had a surgery 2 years ago after unfortunate accidental pregnancy that went wrong. I didn't know what was happening to me until had a really bad infection that I needed surgery with external scars. One big one on my tummy, and 2 inside and on top of my thighs. Though I don't have extra skin, and my scars are turning white, I am very much self concious about it. Based on that fact I didn't have a boyfriend for all this time and didn't have sex with anyone either. Then I went one a trip and I met someone in my hotel. He asked me out, and we got along very well, that started kissing in a taxi back to the hotel. I felt how much I miss these moments and how long it's been since someone touched and kissed me like that. I don't knoww what happened that night and why I let this guy take me out, I just did. We went into my room, kissed more, and then I told him about my scars. He started laughing and said: "do you really think if I want to be with you, the scars will matter? Do you think that for any guy it will matter if he wants to be with you?". Well, I turned off all the lights anyway, and we had sex all night. But then morning came, and I could not hide it anymore. We had sex couple more times, and he kept telling me how beatiful I am. Now I am still not 100% over, but at least the first step was made. I was glad I told him, he would notice it anyway, but at least he knew what to expect. I always believed that honesty can't be wrong. At one point he is going to see you naked. And you are like me think that this is something he needs to know ahead of time, tell him.
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