A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:All right, here goes...[before I begin, let me say...excuse my novel. ;]]I've actually been debating doing something like this for the last month or so. This isn't exactly something I want to discuss with the people around me who know both me and the person involved... I want more of an unbiased opinion...About a month ago, my then-boyfriend told me that he had sex with another girl the week before. I had been out of town all week, and this was the first day I got to see him once I came back. I was so shocked I could barely react. What was worse was that I know the girl, and we've been friends for a few years. They were drunk and high, which I know is no excuse, but there it is. I told him I couldn't do this, and we didn't speak for two weeks.I went to see him. We were only together for about 6 months, but have known one another most of our lives. I went to see him about two weeks after. This sounds needy, but I needed to see him. In the last five years, we have never gone more than a day without some form of contact, be it a text, a phone call, or face-to-face. I told him everything I needed to say, and he sat there and listened to every word. He didn't try to defend himself, defend her, tell me I had it wrong, correct me, or interrupt. On top of that, he started crying, which is a rarity. We talked for close to four hours, and we got ourselves back on general speaking terms again. We had a few more little talking "sessions" like this over the next week, and have been around each other at friend's parties and such [we share a lot of the same friends].I went to a get-together at his house a few nights ago with about five other people there, all of which I am also friends with. We've just been hanging out and talking like friends like we did before we started dating. He walked me to my car, and we started playing around... And we started kissing. After about thirty seconds I pulled away and told him that I didn't know if I could do this again. We stood against my car in silence after I refused to let him apologize [it was definitely a mutual thing].When I initially talked to him, I asked him who he would choose, if he could ignore everything that had happened...who would make him happier, and who would he, if he could have anyone, choose? Me, or her? I told him I didn't want an answer yet. The other night, after we stood in silence for a bit, he told me that he had an answer, and had had one that night. He chose me.I told him I didn't know if this was going to work or not, but he had to make me trust him again above anything else. I told him I wanted him to stop getting high, and he told me that if that was what it took, he would do it. And anything else. I told him it was a start. Even though I was blind-sided by his sleeping with her, I do know him well enough to know when he's being honest and when he's lying [he's an awful liar]. So here's my question... am I being an idiot? Should I let this happen again? My head says no, but I love him so much that I know that if I don't give him another chance, I may regret it for the rest of my life.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (27 August 2010):
I also wanted to add! my Ex- died from ALCOHOL liver diease so i totally get where you are coming from! but that is why he was my Ex- we wouldn't even stop for me nor his son! and he left behind a great son who misses him dearly!! ask him if he will go to some AAA classes w/ you just to sit and listen they have some great and sad stories that maybe might open his eyes? but you have to know quitting comes from with inside them. you can only say if you don't quit because you do have that right that you don't want to sit and watch him destroy his and your life! and if he doesn't then you will know what you have to do!!
Truly Best Wishes 2 u!!
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (27 August 2010):
Im sorry, i didn't know! and good for you not caring for the drugs! you sound like a good lady!! i wish you the best!!!!!
Oregongrl1
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (27 August 2010):
Definitely don't think you're an idiot. And I think it probably will be hard. But at least he told you himself. I know people that have cheated and not told their partners. And that makes a big difference. Sure it's still a betrayal, but it could be so much worse if you didn't know about it, felt everything was fine, and then found out about it at a later time. At least he was honest. That'll be a good place to start rebuilding the relationship and trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, everyone!
Oregongrl, there are several reasons I decided to ask him to stop getting high... It is something he has done for a while, that I have never liked, but I thought he could be responsible with. I hate, hate, hate drugs with a passion. I rarely drink. I come from a family where drugs and alcohol have played an active role in destroying someone's life, and I refuse to mess with one end of the spectrum any more. Getting high makes him make stupid decisions, and I decided that if he could stop, it would be one way to prove to me that he cares.
I think I will give him another chance, but it's going to take a little more time. Thanks for all of your input!
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A
female
reader, ReneeLynn  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Well..there is no right or wrong when we are in relationship. Is just to be in our mind that 'Feelings kill us'...women usually will use their feelings to control their heart & emotion...while men will usually use their ego to show their attitude..how to said you are an idiot..on't put blame on your self. He just really not / have guts to express himself clearly to you want he wants. Does he ever ask you :'What do you want from me?'
If you continue to stay on with him for long term, problem will never solve only being hide in ourself to run away cause men scare to face it when talking about relationship.
Act as a women, make him reliaze of your loving care.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bug45 +, writes (27 August 2010):
In a relationship when infedelity occurs trust is the biggest issue afterwards if you honestly can trust that he will not do it again then go for it (make him beg first of course), but if you feel that this is something that is going to be in the back of your mind next time you are out of town then don't. You will just make yourself and him unhappy. I know this is especially hard because he has been your friend for longer than he has been your boyfriend but in the long run it should always come down to what is best for you and what you think you can live with.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I don't think you're an idiot. Never think yourself stupid for feeling things. What you chose to do was influenced by what you felt.
People change. You CAN give him a chance to be with you and show you that he won't make a mistake like that again. You CAN leave him be and never give him another chance to hurt you again but then you'd be left to wonder what if he actually did change and he actually meant it when he said he chose you.
If I were you, yes, I would give him one more chance. He seems like a decent enough man who's learned from his mistakes (just the impression I got from what you wrote). I would give him one more chance and then, you'd be sure.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, LAcreme  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Well, first, i'd say u aint an idiot; for pullin away when necessary, makin him realise he cldnt eat his cake n stil ve it! U've made some pretty gud decisns. Bt my questn is, u were away 4 just 1wk, n all these happend?, cos he was drunk?- which is an act of irresponsibility on its own. Bt havin said all these, he seems apologetic, bt u've got 2 let him fight 2 get u back cmpletely, so as 2 knw ur worth. It must be a gradually process, b4 any form of caressin, kissin or even sex can take place. D catch here though, is dat u shldnt let it (playin hard 2 get) last 4 too long! Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, faith5 +, writes (27 August 2010):
Follow ur HEART! We all make mistakes! Its ur life do wat u feel is right for u!
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I know this isn't what you want to hear, but......
The only person who can answer this, is you,
We all have out own views on how we would or have behaved in similar circumstances, but no one really knows what is in your heart and your the only person who can answer if you can truly forgive him to continue in a relationship without the past biting you on the ass.
I dont think your idiot, although both choices could class you as such, you'd be an idiot if you gave up on him and spent the rest of your life wondering what if, or an idiot to forgive him. So no your not an idiot, or you are,..... oh dear, i'm confusing myself now, lol.....
I would say tho, make sure you stick to your guns with your requirements from him, and I truly hope he doesn't let you down, this is his time to show he respects you, if he fails, and you forgive him, then you'd be a class A idiot.
Good luck hunny, I hope it works out righ
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (27 August 2010):
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but......
The only person who can answer this, is you,
We all have out own views on how we would or have behaved in similar circumstances, but no one really knows what is in your heart and your the only person who can answer if you can truly forgive him to continue in a relationship without the past biting you on the ass.
I dont think your idiot, although both choices could class you as such, you'd be an idiot if you gave up on him and spent the rest of your life wondering what if, or an idiot to forgive him. So no your not an idiot, or you are,..... oh dear, i'm confusing myself now, lol.....
I would say tho, make sure you stick to your guns with your requirements from him, and I truly hope he doesn't let you down, this is his time to show he respects you, if he fails, and you forgive him, then you'd be a class A idiot.
Good luck hunny, I hope it works out righ
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (27 August 2010):
You are the one who has to live w/ it not us! do what is in your heart! i think maybe he learned from it but sometimes we dont give them enough time to really take us seriously? we run back into it. but what you are doing wrong is that you are not trusting him by telling him he needs to stop smoking! next is going to be you w/ him every where he goes you have to truly trust him and put it in the past and not throw it in his face or take things away from him because you are scared hes going to sleep w/ someone. the question is are can you get over it? and as far as the girl what a good friend she was.
Good Luck!
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