A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, but this is a long rant because I am exasperated by my relationship. To put it into context, I was brought up in an abusive family situation which involved, along with many other negatives, my mother being extremely emotionally neglectful of me and my sister all of our lives until she died. This has left me with chronically low self-esteem and, especially when I was younger, an ongoing feeling that I must "endure" whatever life threw at me and that I was not as good as others. Maybe because of this I worked super-hard to achieve a lot - I brought up my daughter single-handedly from age 20 after marrying at 18 to an unemployed man who never worked (we divorced five years later), bought a flat with no financial assistance, worked my way through promotions in jobs that I loathed but had to do to support my daughter and remained committed to studying and practicing in the thing that I love. Miraculously, I am now studying a PhD in and starting to lecture in (minimally)this area that I have always loved, but which is hyper-competitive. People seem to really admire me and like me, but I have few real friends mainly due to my relationship and low self confidence. Also my health is in ruins due to the stress of working in jobs that I hated and bringing up my daughter with no help whatsoever from her father or anyone else, and the fact that my love life has been one rollercoaster of a ride for 17 years with a man who has treated me badly, albeit mainly due to immaturity rather than malevolence; emotional and physical abuse, totally ignoring my daughter for the first 6 years of our relationship, binge drinking at least twice a week to the point of being totally comatose for a day or two days after, never being emotionally there in any big way, but always being fun and extremely cosy and charming to be with - a really 'authentic' feeling. Intellectually we are not matched and I find this, at this stage especially, a turn off, but we both instinctively love the same field of work in a way that coincides. The confusing thing is, however, that he is highly respected and admired in the field that we both love and so far has excelled - not because of any academic study, but because people love his work (he does work hard but was heavily supported by his parents to get his business going) outside of work does zilch except to go out networking, which involves heavy drinking, he is an absolute charmer, totally at ease with anyone and people therefore believe him to be authentic. Also, I hate to say it - part of this field is historically extremely male dominated and any 'bad' behaviour on his part is overlooked and even regarded as evidence of his authenticity by men and most women also. He was given a great job word of mouth in the area that we both love - but also because his boss is also known as being an alcoholic (one of these older guys who is basically a nice guy but has been in the same job for years and can't be shifted) and the two of them are like father and son together - really bonded, to the extent that my partner is expected to take over this mans job when he retires. Also, he lied to qualify for a council flat early on, which his mother then bought for him and which he sold at a huge profit, allowing him to buy a beautiful flat - ie. people think he has earned this all through hard work, but the reality is very different. For 12 years we didn't live together and when we did things went downhill even more. His behaviour, along with my leading a stressful life mainly due to the awful jobs I've had to do, has led to me now having chronic fatigue syndrome, which now is ruining my employment chances because I keep getting sick and cannot sleep if I have any assignment the next day - even one that I really, really want to do. Over a year ago, on an assignment that could have been a major career breakthrough for me, I was on the other side of the world, ill and exhausted, when I received an extremely long email from a colleague of his stating they had been having a year long 'friendship' during which they had slept together and that, in the last two months, she had been waiting for him to leave me, believing that they were going to have children together and that he had slept with her on his birthday (I had been ill again). I was devastated, especially as, after years of heartbreak, I realised I just could not have kids with this man and told him, but he told me over and over again that it didn't matter and he didn't want kids anyway. I could not complete the assignment properly, but even I could see that this woman was 'milking' every detail of time spent with him. Prior to this he had been not 100% faithful but pretty much ( a couple of minor things, but nothing huge) - we always had a great sex life until we lived together since four years ago, when it became less frequent but still amazing - and people tell me that I am a really attractive woman, despite being 42 - I am told I look much younger. He is five years younger than me. The thing is, I am actually very shy and by nature patient and caring with everyone and everything but in order to survive I have become externally 'hardened' to my partner and lose my temper easily and quite extremely - only with him - now because I feel that I have lived with intolerable behaviour for years. I can see that I was so weak to stay, but other aspects of life with him were wonderful. He told her many false things about me and even my daughter, which led her to believe that I was just some useless, horrible woman that he was being almost 'persecuted' by. This felt so unfair, because for years and years I have put up with unbelievable behavior from him, supported him from the beginning with his work (to the point of almost spoon-feeding him),and contributing majorly to renovating both of his properties to add value (this was part of my job before) as he didn't have a clue how to do it, feeling that absolutely no-one would believe me if I tried to explain the truth. Even my close friends have found it initially difficult but do now believe me and cannot believe I stayed with him. He was/is almost completely "in love" with his mother and this has caused us problems, but the thing is he just draws people to him like a magnet because he comes across as such a warm person - and in many ways he genuinely is. Ironically, my mother was seen exactly in this way by people that didn't really know her. This means I am so confused and don't know what to do. Now that I am ill he is paying for everything, which I hate as I feel owned and which makes his past behaviour seem justified. I really cannot say how much I hate not being able to pay my way. If we argue, his answer to everything is "well, I pay for it all", which makes me feel so degraded. After his 'affair' (by the way, the woman said she realised he is a "fake", an absolute charmer and liar and that I was "trying to convince myself otherwise" by staying with him) he even sold his flat and I agreed I would sell mine to buy a house together, but now we are living in mine (waiting for me to sell) he has used a lot of his money to pay off both of our debts which I feel awful about. I am sure his friends and associates have no idea that I own a flat worth a lot more money than his was and think I am just using him/that everything is his. I think I am addicted to him but don't know how to break free, especially since, in the last year, he really has seen that he was a complete jerk and is trying to change - up to a point he has cut out the drinking, but I get terrified when he goes out, by the thought of him coming back drunk. He denies any "affair" but admits to having a "fumble" with this woman twice when he was totally drunk, however the disparity between what she and he says about the situation has almost driven me crazy. I would rather he had just agreed with her version. I know other people who know her and they have each said that she is very extreme and "grasping" as a person and has been on medication for years for depression/bi-polar. I hate being financially dependent, I have seen countless doctors for my illness and they have all said that until my relationship changes I won't get better. I don't know what to do. My career is at "make or break" stage and I am frightened of losing everything. Am I just a coward for not trying to move on from him, or should I be working harder to sort things out with him and just forget my own career? I would really appreciate a man's opinion - I know this must seem all about me, but I honestly can see things from his perspective and have spent years understanding and sympathising with him ie. I think in his eyes I am not letting him be dominant, not showing enough devotion, threatening him by starting to be successful in the same field, whereas I have found it impossible to show respect at all times. We do, honestly, have a lot of fun together, this is not a "typical" rant by any means, I am just exasperated and at my wits end.
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alcoholic, confidence, debt, divorce, drunk, liar, money, move on, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Thanks for all of the responses. To the most recent respondent, just to let you know that I have a great relationship with my daughter, we are very close and she is now studying at university - I have never neglected her needs in all of this time and done my best never to expose her to the negativity in our relationship. As to the comments about losing the "negativity" - I did say this is not a typical rant by any means, it is much more like a "one off". I don't regard myself as being selfish, far from it but as for needing to "cop on" - maybe, sure, but I was never the kind of woman with a strategy for 'catching' the best man I could find...and I am still not, but I hear what you are saying, thanks.
A
male
reader, Nathan1  +, writes (10 January 2011):
Listen Love, this Mammy's boy needs to grow up. You need to cop on. Your talking like a 13 yr old not the mature successful 42 yr old independant Mother that your are. Drop the baggage. Focus on the positive elements in your life. Stop being so selfish and feeling sorry for yourself. How is your child fairing out in all of this drama. Take some time out and fall in love with You. Develope a relationship with your daughter, some people would fall down in shite and come up smelling of roses and your fella is one of them so i wouldn't be worrying about him. Drop all this negativity and these pissing competitions between the pair of you. Who has the best job, the best flat. You are working in a job that your not able for. You've trained for another career path. Leave the job and start on the job that you want to work in. My advice is to ignore him, let him move back in with his mother, if he wants to keep living as a single man. Forget about the debts he paid off for you. He owes you that much with all the grief he gave you. You were never a unit. Walk away girl, your better off single
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): Having had CFS for 22 years, I can tell you this: you are in for the toughest part of your life. Do get disability insurance immediately, if you can with a CFS diagnosis. Work until you absolutely cannot any longer.
You are in a toxic relationship, and this sociopath will drop you like a hot potato once you are completely collapsed from CFS. Protect yourself in every way possible beginning right now: pay off every bill, get down to the pure basics; even sell your home and invest in a paid in full small place you can live in by yourself and maintain it. You have no idea what you are in for now, with CFS. Yes, some recover; however, I urge you to research XMVR and CFS and read the info at wpinstitute.org about a new retrovirus discovered in 67% of CFS patients, with some sick already and some not.
YOU are what counts: you must think about the worst possible outcome now, immediately; I cannot stress this too much. Relationship problems will be nothing compared to the challenges ahead of you.
I secondly urge you to stop working where you can't stand it; this will make you sicker and sicker and you may never recover. I am not being fatalistic; I have lived your experiences and I am old!
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A
female
reader, kate70  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Please start thinking about yourself and now. At the end of the day the only person responsible for how you deal with your life is you. Life has not been easy for you and so you are far more likely to put up with too much because you believe you do not deserve better, but you do. Make plans to get out of your present situation. It may take time but do it - give yourself the chance to find a relationship where you are truly appreciated. You know your strengths so use them as a basis to start loving yourself and then you will never let anyone treat you badly again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): To both of you who have answered so far, I can't tell you strongly enough what your answers mean to me. I thought that people would think I was a crazy, ranting woman and was so scared to say what was going on. I have cried when I read both responses - tears of relief at being believed and understood. You are absolutely right to say that I have to learn not to "look down" on others - I honestly try so hard not to do this, but it is difficult, as I am sure you know, to sometimes feel that you are even in the same "ball park" as others. I feel so much stronger already, and thank both of you from the bottom of my heart. I am really resolved to move on, however much it initially hurts me. Thank you is not enough.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Dear you, please read through your own post, and then follow your doctors orders.
I read everything. And despite what you may think I understand you all too well. A am only half your age, but I am following in your exact footsteps. So perhaps think of me as a younger version of you. Neglectful family, having to be financially independent from a very early age (16), having the feeling of needing to "endure" life. Not live it... just endure it. Just as you think it is unfair that your man gets so much admiration when he doesn't deserve it in your eyes, I too find it hard not to look down upon, and disrespect the ones who at my age are only half as independent as me. I used to look down upon those who still lived with their parents after 18 (I moved out at 16), and I find it very hard to respect other who have had things easier in life.
But, the things is this: I know that I am only jealous. I should not disrespect or look down upon those who have had it easier in life. They were lucky. I should be happy for them. I take pride in overcoming what cards I was dealt in this life, but I am starting to learn that me being proud of me doesn't mean I have to look down upon those who haven't struggled as hard to achieve the same. The truth is also that they have not achieved the same.
You know that his flat was given to him for free. You know you worked blood, sweat and tears for yours. You know the true value of your work. So let him have it easy. It doesn't mean that YOU are worth less, or that you should be compared to him. You are not in a competition. It may look like it, same age, same field of work etc. But you come from completely different places, and if you read through your post again I am sure you, as all of us who read it, can see who is the real winner in this game. What you have accomplished he'd probably never had a shot at. And it's not measured in money, or what job you have. It's measured in yourself, in who you are, who you have become.
So everyone else thinks he's a great guy. That only means he's good at manipulation. You however know the truth. You know you are way above him, and far stronger than him, smarter than him, wiser than him, and better than him.
So do as your doctors said. Kick him out. It's your flat after all! And as for the money he's been paying for you... well you deserved at least a little bit from him after all of his crap. Be honest with yourself, how much have you given him, and how much has he given you? In all fairness, him paying your bills for this little period of time, compared to all he's done to you, and all you've done for him... it's little. He probably owes you a ton more if you had ever kept track of it. So take the money, it's only a tiny part of what he owes you anyway. Don't let yourself feel owned by him. You know he's the one who would have been lost without you. Let him loose and see if he can fend for himself.
Put yourself and your health first! Do what you know is best for YOU. Not what would be best in the eyes of everyone else, not what would be the "smartest" move, or the move that makes the most money. You are burned out, you know you need to rest. Don't take that to mean failure. Take it for exactly what it is: a rough life that finally demands some relaxing. With your skills I am confident that you will get by without him perfectly well. I know I can crawl through some shitty things, and you having even more life experience in the same type of life I can't imagine what you would be incapable of.
Be proud of what you have accomplished!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Not for one second you should you spare any such sympathy. If he does this to you simply because he cannot be more dominant, that is immaturity and we should not look upon immaturity with sympathy. You have all the right in the world to be successful in whatever field you desire. In this case, your career comes first so you can take care of yourself and your daughter so you can rid yourself of this man, addicted or not. I can see why you would be understanding of him but read through what you have written, perhaps it was through intention or merely a pure and truthful expression, you have painted a black picture of this man and what you see as immaturity, though it may very well have started out that way, has become malevolence through his manipulations and abuse. Tolerate it for now until you can get back up on your feet. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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