A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a girl, but I come from a long line of very similar men. I take after my father in personality, and that personality includes some obsessive behavior and addictive behavior. I'm worried I may have also inherited some of the family abusive behavior. I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I'm really crazy about. When we do fight, however, or I get frustrated with him, I'll be bitchy or angry even sometimes calling him names. I've even slugged him in the arm a couple times in pressured situations. That's only been like one or two times, but still i feel like it's a flag maybe? Afterwards, I feel horrible and want to make it up to him, which is what sent me the red alarm about a possible abuse cycle. I know I'm allowed to get mad, but am I getting mad the wrong way? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. I've definitely been using the count to 10 method, and have sworn to NEVER sock him again. I've talked to him about it as well and I'm going with the "chill out" approach, keeping myself from ever getting explosively angry like that.
It's kind of hard to consider myself as an abusive person. My family, for generations, have all been abusive. My parents are the best of the lot, but they slip up too and I've witnessed it. That all ends with me.
Thank you, again, for your answers.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 It is hard to say based on what you write, it'd be more helpful if you had more descriptions of how you feel when you get angry, and how you act on it. You mentioned name calling, which is a form of abuse in a way. I'm wary about calling behaviour abusive, as it adds a sort of label. But please realize that even if you act in a per definition abusive way, this doesn't mean you are an abuser. If a person is abusive and never changes, is not aware that they do something wrong, and have no intentions of changing, then you have someone who will not ever change, and will be a dangerous person. However you are cautious of your behavior. People are allowed to make mistakes, so don't go to hard on yourself. But also realize that certain behaviour WILL push people away.
If you are being unfair, it will push any boyfriend you have away. Depending on the dynamics between the two of you there is a chance he will work it out together with you, but if he's young and inexperienced, and doesn't know how to respond to your behaviour, chances are high he'll just leave you without talking to you about it.
Name calling, like I said, is a form of abuse. So is being physical. Although I will stress that as a girl you are less threatening, and a man can defend himself, so I will not equate it to the same as if a man uses physical violence. But, even if it isn't physically hurtful, it is a mental game. It does something to his feelings and emotions. And to his psyche.
The only way to make up for things you have done wrong is to not do them again. Really, that is all you can do, and that is the thing you need to do. If you apologize, but it happens again, your words are empty and meaningless.
Talk to your boyfriend about this, how you feel and think around this, if you think your relationship is serious enough for this type of talk.
If you get too heated suddenly when something happens or pushes your buttons, the best thing to do until you learn to control the anger/emotions is to count to 10 or take 5 minutes to yourself. It is important however to not leave an argument, but only take a little break to remove the edge, and then go back and continue talking.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 June 2011):
 you are very wise to see the problems with your anger management.
Yes you are being abusive. Name calling is emotional abuse and must stop. Hitting... NOT ALLOWED. does not matter that you are a girl.
can you find some anger management classes?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Yes, obviously it is the wrong way. Think what it would happen if everybody expressed their frustration like you do . The dry cleaner did not do a perfect job.... whack. My cappuccino is lukewarm, not piping hot as I wanted... thump.
Good old socialization, and good old impulse control. They are not half as bad as people make them, it is actually a VERY bad idea always being " spontaneous " and always saying and acting out what you feel, unfiltered.
Unluckily, probably you have been exposed at home to examples of totally unacceptable behaviour and have made them your own . But this can change. You can change the rules , and the behaviour patterns. From a certain age on, everybody is just the parent of himself/ herself. And if what you have been taught is not functional to your life and happiness, you have the responsibility and satisfaction to retrain yourself.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 June 2011):
Yes you are being abusive. The name calling is verbally abusive, and hitting him on the arm is being physically abusive. And yes there is an abuse cycle in which you feel very bad afterward and want to be extra nice and sweet. But it's good that you're self-aware enough to consider that this is possible and be asking for feedback. Most people who are abusive never realize it, and even if confronted would refuse to admit it. So, you are to be commended for being honest with yourself and being open to changing your behavior for the better.
If you grew up witnessing similar behavior in your family, it's natural that this becomes part of your instinctive pattern of relating to others. It feels normal to you, But that still doesn't make it good or right and it can really ruin your relationships and hurt other people.
Yes you are allowed to feel angry, but how you express that anger to others is critical. You can re-learn healthier and more appropriate ways of behaving, communicating, and relating to others. And also depending on how and when you get angry, it may be that you also need to learn different ways of thinking or processing your emotions so that your anger doesn't escalate to high levels in the first place. it will take a lot of effort because you're essentially overriding patterns of thinking and behaving that are deeply ingrained, but it's possible if you work at it. You may want to find a counselor to help you with this.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Yes you are getting mad in the wrong way - calling him names is emotional abuse, and hitting him is physical abuse. I suggest you seek help from a counsellor or doctor who can help you with your problems and show you how to channel your anger in a different way.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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