A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for 20 years. In that time our sex life has been meager. Lately, if we have sex once per year we are doing good. My wife and I have started (for the fourth time - this happens every years or so) to talk about the problems in our relationship (hers and mine both) that got us to where we are, except that this time I have demanded resolution whether that means divorce or reconciliation.My wife is an extremely poor communicator. She admits as much. She started talking to me about how I like porn (I do, but only as a poor substitute for her) and strip clubs (4 times in 20 years) but one thing she accused me of was having an affair. I have never had an affair or even come close! She said that it happened 10 years ago now and she knows I have been faithful since. The reality is that I have been faithful the entire time! I asked her why, if she believed I had done something so serious as to have an affair, she never told me she had those suspicions so that I could defend myself. She said that she wouldn't blame me given the state of our sex life (she is the refuser). I told her that she has built up 10 years of resentment for something that never happened! On some level, it also pisses me off that she seems to have condoned and - in the interim years - made peace with the fact that I had an affair. It almost makes me wish I had done so! Please help me understand her mentality here. My biggest concern is that if she feels that way about me then does that mean she is likely to have had her own affair?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): "She was sexually abused, cheated on by a boyfriend, and has problems with commitment."I can understand your wife's comment. My wife had a history of sexual abuse, hidden from me for the longest time. I found out the entire story, well as much as she can remember, after nearly 20 years of marriage. Our sex lives were not OK, but she was so nice in so many ways that I put up with it, hoped it would get better, and hoped that she would talk with me one day and we'd figure it all out.It was a struggle. She actually had an affair, which brought out the entire story eventually. She thought I'd been fooling around (I'd been working my ass off at my job so I didn't get fired and lose our house), she became convinced I was leaving her (delusional about it actually), and started and affair that she ended quickly. Later she rather told me something similar to what you were told, although she actually gave me permission to go out and have sex with other women if I wanted. She didn't want that, but it was OK if I did.That was all easier than actually truly engaging in counseling openly, and telling all. I think she was hoping this would all just die away if I got my rocks off more and had some other distraction.Well, that wasn't what I wanted (I did want to get off more, but I wanted her). I pressed, and pressed, and went to counseling, and months passed, and we spent a lot of money, and damn she finally started talking.Jesus, what stories people tell who have been sexually abused. I've done a lot of reading. You could benefit from this as well.This book can help, it has a workbook that can be purchased separately.http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Revised-Expanded-Survivors/dp/0060950668http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375Don't underestimate the difficulty in getting her to the point where she can really begin talking. Most people never talk.One of my friends was abused, as was his brother, and his brother dealt with this by laying down on his bed, putting a gun to his head, and pulling the trigger, and leaving his brother to clean up the entire bloody mess later. Another acquaintance of mine, his wife blew her brains out in their living room. I've seen many people who have tried to kill themselves (I work in the field) with pills, and alcohol. My wife has been suicidal many times, she revealed this in counseling, and we no longer have guns in the house because it is a very real worry.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 June 2011):
 If you can not understand your wifes mentality in over 20 years, why would strangers?
From what you described, your wife is a maze where all of the walls continually change.
Time for some marriage counseling. Go alone if she will not go with you to discuss this festering 10 year old anger.
Ask her, how much more time and pain needs to pass before the two of you can be a happy, loving, sexually active couple again?
Maybe your wife has never been comfortable with HER or ANYONE ELSES sexuality EVER?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): OP here:Pretty much. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week for the first 6 months. We lived in different cities and would screw each other senseless all weekend when we saw each other. After that we moved in together so we didn't have to do LTR. It dropped to more like once every third week over the next 6 months. Then we got married and it pretty much went to zero. We are in counseling now to deal with that. She was sexually abused, cheated on by a boyfriend, and has problems with commitment. I am verbally abusive (well, I was back when I was much younger) and have a tendency to be controlling. We are trying to work these issues out.I don't think that she is having an affair NOW, but I worry that she did in the past given that she assumed I was and is totally fine with that. She probably thinks I am lying when I swear up and down that I have not. I want to ask her, but I doubt she would tell the truth if she did. I am not 100% sure why I need to know this now. I suppose I might just give up working on the relationship and leave her if I found out that's how she was. I have a lot more incentive to work through our predicament if I know she has been suffering along with me.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Are you saying the entire time you have known your wife, your sex life has been so lousy?
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