A
female
age
41-50,
*ariz0
writes:I'm feeling very confused and unsure about what to do in my relationship. We have been together on and off for 5 years in may.We live together and had a wedding booked for last may but it never happened as i left him due to us arguing so much about money and the house etc. We got back together after 4 months because we still loved each other. Alot of upset was caused for my parents when this happened and a year later they have only just excepted him again. However 5 months ago he agreed that i should come off the pill and we should try for a baby all families were very happy and i was over the moon. However just 2 months ago he started saying he wasnt sure about us starting a family yet, that he really wanted to, but that we couldnt afford it.Money has always caused us stress and arguements and split us up last time we were together because my job is self employed and unstable at times. I understood what he was saying but i went into a state of shock after preparing myself to be a mum which i had never done before, to being told i had to go back on the pill, i was very upset and didn't know what to do i didnt eat for days. Eventually we got over it but i stayed off the pill as i had been on it already for 13 years. Recently we got engaged again. But over christmas i discovered texts from another woman he claimed he met when we split up and had kept intouch with. I was devastated about this, after he promised it was nothing and that he loved me and wanted to be with me and no one else 6 weeks later i saw a text come through on his phone that was from the same woman. I went mad at him he said he was sorry and nothing was happening. I now dont know what to do i feel like i am a fool to stay with him?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 If you wait for the right time to have a baby , it will be a very very long wait and then you may pass the expired date.
After 35 , it is harder to get pregnant or the baby have a higher risk of defects. For both men and women , there is the biological clock .
If you listen to your husband it would be a dream which will remain unfulfilled.
Sometimes the men do come around when they have a baby.
As a Christian , I believed that children are a blessings from God. God would provide for you and your child.
It is not that if you want a child , you can have a child.Many married couples are childless.Destiny or God decides if you will have a child or not .
Most people have debts either through housing loans , car loans or personal loans.Some people have debts till they die. Does this mean that they will never ever have children?
In the UK ,you can get grants and financial aids from the govt. for your child.Financial considerations should not be an impediment to having a child in the UK.
Talking or text from women are normal and you should not go ballistic over them.
Paranoid Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by excessive distrust and suspiciousness of others.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I know what your saying I feel as though my emotions are getting in the way of my common sense. However the texts I saw where very platonic just how are you etc nothing too bad.When I have questioned him about them he explained that he just texted her when he was feelingnlow after we had argued and things, he just wants to be with me and he was stupid! I agree with that!!
I do love him very much and he has talked to me about the baby and explained how desperately he wants s family but that he is worried that with the debts we have to pay and my job at the moment not being great it wouldn't be s good idea. I have to admit he has always been more sensible than me about things. He is probably right about waiting a while to start a family.
Finding these text messages have really knocked me and left me feeling very insecure and paranoid.
I'm just worried now that this will drive a wedge between us?!
Is there any chance that we could get over this and be happy?
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A
female
reader, Kimberly333 +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Hi,
This is clearly having a significant effect on your emotional and physical wellbeing and you need to decide what is best for you.
First off it would seem that you need to address the major underlying issue of money. Do you feel that you are struggling with money or is it an excuse that your partner is coming out with? If you are struggling with debt then it may be worth contacting an organisation such as debthelpline.co.uk and they can discuss your options.
If there isn't a problem with money then you need to look at why he is making excuses for you not to move forward. If we all waited until we were financially stable to have children then very few people would have them! It seems that he doesn't know what he wants so maybe it would be an idea to sit down together and discuss how you want to move forward short term and long term. If there are major differences between you both then perhaps the relationship just aren't meant to be.
As for the other woman he should not be contacting a romantic interest that he encountered whilst you were split up as it is very disrespectful. Perhaps she is his escape as he doesn't seem to want to deal with the difficulties that a relationship sometimes throws at you. He appears very immature and I think he needs to do some growing up especially before you start a family.
Lastly, being a fool and being in love go hand in hand!
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Fornorina +, writes (15 February 2010):
 It seems to me that you've been having a hard time with this man for about 5 years now... And that you have been on and off. I think that should really shout out to you to be honest.
You clearly have strong feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn't have become engaged, moved in together and them him wanting a family. But, from what you have said, it seems to me that he is lying to you. I mean, who knows how many other women he talks to via email or something?
Did you actually read what those text message contained? That may give you an indication whether it's "just nothing" or whether it's clearly more than that.
I would suggest talking to him, but you clearly have already - good on you to have the guts to be honest. But would you really want to be with a guy that he's portraying? If that answer is no - you should move on.
- Fornorina
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Couples don't just break up about money issues. Money is important. You are letting outside forces dictate the direction of your relationship. I don't see enough positive qualities such as compatability, cheerfulness to deal with life, hope for future, to keep this relationship intact. We always underestimate how much things cost and we have to be flexible about life choices. I am a single mom and had a baby at 25. I wasn't ready. I didn't regret anything. As a woman I could tell you we have rights to when we want to have a baby but we can't never change a man's mind about this. You are a prime age, your body is at your best for having babies. Many people wait till they are professionally established and by the time they are in their late 30's it becomes harder for them to conceive. I am sorry you can't become a mum now. Frustration would set in and destroy the relationship. You might wait indefinitely for the finances to take care of itself. There are pros and cons of having a baby in your twenties versus in your thirties. A child is ready to go to daycare as early as 6 months. You still feel young to do something professional. Whilst a 35 year old woman feels she's over the hill and just want to stay home with the kids. I know there are 40 year old women still attending college but that's less likely. I read that he loves you but I am not convinced. What you do now is take care of your body, eat well and sleep well. You need a clear mind to organize your thoughts.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
You're not a fool. You're just in love and its affecting your judgement. Take away all emotion and look at the facts now, because you're letting emotion get in the way of your judgement. You have been arguing a lot and have already broken up because of it. During that time he met someone else. You then got back together and started for a baby. Now he has backtracked. To top it off, you've found texts from the other woman. He said nothing was happening. Now you've found another. Emotion aside, it's clear this is not meant to be. He's got a connection with this other woman, you're arguing and he's changing his mind over and over again about a lot of things. Let him go, move on.
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A
female
reader, hopelessXO +, writes (15 February 2010):
 It sounds like you two have gone through a lot a rough times together. You have to ask yourself if this guy is worth all of your troubles. If you really love him and you think that you can look past everything that's happened then great. But if he still keeps in touch with this woman and he can't make up his mind about your guy's future together then I don't think that he's worth the trouble.
Listen to your parents, they know what's best. If it took them that long to forgive him then there is something wrong there.
This guy leaves you uncertain about your future and not knowing what to think, I think it's time to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): If you're doubting the relationship, then that's your answer right there. You don't want to be with someone you can't trust, and from what I read, you don't trust him. He too quickly changes his mind. If he called off the engagement before, what makes you think he won't do it again? You aren't a fool for staying with him, you're a fool for putting up with his crap.
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