A
female
age
41-50,
*imnlia
writes:I have been married for almost 18 years. We have 5 children ages 6 to 16. We only dated 6 weeks before we decided to get married because we were having sex, it was great, and we knew, being Christians and having met in church, that it was wrong. So we got married. I was 20, he was 31. I had dated a total of 3 guys up until this point, he had been divorced 3 times. When we married, I knew I did not love him, and I told him this. I was very honest and told him he was a man I could grow to love in time. He was handsome, mature, stable, kind. The part I was not honest about was that he annoyed me. There was a small voice inside my head telling me to run, but I did not listen to it. To this day I do not know why.Over the past 17 years we have fought almost non-stop. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. We fought, and fought, and fought. Although I have good self esteem, I felt betrayed when he would look at other women. This I what we fought over the most.In addition to this, my husband has an anger problem. He has been physically abusive since the beginning. It only affected me until our oldest became a little older and he also became my husband's victim. He is on medication now, celexa, and this has transformed him, making him much less aggressive, at least when he doesn't skip a dose.When I was pregnant with our 4th child he began a one year physical affair with a co-worker. He confessed this to me 5 years later.So, from the beginning I have had no trust or respect with which love could grow from, as I initially hoped. I do not believe I have ever truly loved him. I do not know how I could have.I forced him to move out last year to get help for his anger. He reluctantly did and we got back together.I am at a place now that I do not think I can ever get over everything he has said and done over the years and that I will never truly love him or trust him. I despise everything about him now. I am reminded of past hurts for different reasons regularly and the pain returns as if it were yesterday.I have told him I wish to move forward with separation and eventually divorce.I am greatly saddened because I firmly believe that if he had just taken responsibility for his mistakes over the years and been a man of integrity and honor, earning my respect, things could be different today.I do not know what the right thing to do is.If there is a hope for my marriage to become what it could have been before all of the pain and betrayal, I do not want to give up now.But if there is no hope because too much damage has been done, I want to move on and be free once and for all.So that is my question.....Should I stay or should I go?
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affair, christian, co-worker, divorce, got back together, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (8 June 2015):
Dear OP,
I admire your strength and courage!
Wish you all the best for this step that is no doubt a difficult, but necessary one.
A
female
reader, timnlia +, writes (8 June 2015):
timnlia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you all for your responses.
This is a true blue emotional rollercoaster ride.
You guys have confirmed for me what I probably already knew, but just had uncertainties about.
I firmly believe moving on is something that would be in the best interest of not only me, but my children as well now. My only regret is that I haven't done it sooner. But the past is the past and I am ready for a new future.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, timnlia +, writes (7 June 2015):
timnlia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy would I even consider staying?Although there are many reasons, I am not a quitter by nature and I suppose admitting failure is going to be hard for me. Coming from a Christian upbringing, I am still battling with "Maybe if I can just forgive him, I can one day love him...."Why did I add child after child all these years? I have asked myself this very question in recent years. The conclusion I have come to is two fold. One reason being that up until a year and a half ago I was Christian believer and I was of the belief that children are gifts from God and I should allow him to bless me with as many as he chose to.The second reason being that my babies no doubt filled a void that my loveless marriage left inside of me. I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom for the past 16 years. My children have been my world.We recently moved from a big city to a small rural town. I decided a few months ago to place them all in public school for the first time ever and I got a full time job.I believe it is these steps that has enabled me to get to a place where I believe I can do this once and for all.Our plan is to finish remodeling our home that we just bought 7 months ago, sell it, pay off all of our debt, and separate with hopes of divorce. There I no other way I could do this from a financial stand point.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 June 2015):
 I know its pointless to ask you this now but why did you even consider having FIVE children with this emotionally and physically abusive man who you never loved? Not only have you spoiled your own life with your rash decisions, you've brought children into this world whose lives have already been made a living hell.
You owe a responsibility towards your children more than anything else, so yes, please get rid of this man and start a new life. Honestly, he seems to be a nightmare. I don't understand why you're still in doubt if you should stay or go.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30 +, writes (7 June 2015):
Dear OP,There is a quote by Konfuzius, going a little like: If you make a mistake and don't correct it, you are making a second one.You married a man that you don't love and that acts in a way that makes it impossible for you to develop love in the future. If you stay with him despite knowing it, you are making another mistake of staying with the wrong man.You were a virgin when you met him, completely inexperienced, and he already was divorced three times by the age of 31, so probably knowing exactly what he was doing and how to charm you into marriage. To an experienced woman, his three divorces might have been a warning sign that there was something about him those former wives couldn't stand. But you were young and couldn't have known. I wonder why nobody protected you from this decision. Early on in the marriage, it became clear that he was abusive and has anger issues. Also, he has cheated on you. Forgive yourself for marrying him and not being able to love him. You didn't know any better at the time. But now you do. My advice: You should go.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 June 2015):
 Your post is so full of accumulated angst, negativity and failed hope that untangling this web of ill will seems like more trouble then it's worth. At first I was going to question the amount of effort you put into fixing this marriage because spouses should exhaust every possibility at saving the marriage but saving something that there is no love for is pointless because it will crumble once again. I hate telling people to break up a marriage because there a double inequity by doing so: one thing is broken in order to make two unhappy people. In your case more because of your children. Before you decide on the date when you want to leave, examine your finances and how they can support you and your children. Making the first step in breakup is typically the most difficult one but once you make that move, and once you notice that past annoyances are no longer surrounding you, you will feel relieved and at peace.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 June 2015):
 The parts of your post that really kept coming back up were "I don't think I ever loved him". Doesn't that say it all right there? You have given 18 years of your life to this man. He doesn't treat you right. He took his anger out of one of your children. What more is there to say?
I was married for almost 16 years to a man that I had dearly loved and he became an alcoholic. The last 5 years of our marriage I couldn't stand him. I begged him to get help, he laughed. He was never physically abusive, but very emotionally abusive. We started to argue all the time. I hit 40 and thought "what am I doing with this person??" I left with nothing..and I mean nothing but some clothes. I left behind a nice house, a nice car just to be able to feel happiness again. I never regretted it. Life is so short to be unhappy.
I realize that its definitely more complicated for you with children. We had a 16 year old son and he was old enough to fully understand what was going on. I still don't think that you should stay just for your children. My parents did this and they made my sister's and my lives a living hell because they wouldn't divorce but just fought constantly. Kids know..and they are better being in 2 separate households with caring parents than in one miserable household.
Do you have a job? Resources? Family or friends that can give you support? Go seek out the advice of an attorney, know exactly what to expect.
He's lied, he's cheated and he's hit you and your child. What is there to think about sweetie?? You don't love him..so why stay? Again..life is short..why be miserable??
I wish you all the best..do what is good for yourself and your children.
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A
female
reader, timnlia +, writes (7 June 2015):
timnlia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRegarding the children, they are supportive because they do not like the fighting and lack of peace any more than we do. My children have witnessed my husband's rage first hand and have had to live in the same fear. Today, we all know if my husband isn't taking his meds consistently, even the kids are fully aware of the signs.
Only my older two, ages 15 and 16, know of the affair. This, in addition to the abuse, has caused my teen daughter to hate him.
I just don't want to throw in the towel if there is even a chance that i could one day love him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): I admire you for admitting to your own mistakes and sharing the blame for what happened.I think that is a good sign that you are fair and honest in your judgement. I think your first responsibility is towards your children but then, we only live once and we shouldn't live that once in misery. I think you should definitely go ahead with the separation and eventual divorce but plan well so your children may suffer as little as possible and make sure you can support yourself and your children .
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