A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a major problem with jealousy. It only happens once I've developed feelings for a guy. At the start everything is fine and we act like our selves but as soon as I have feelings for him, the same things he would have been doing before emotions came into play, gets me increasingly jealous and then I become moody and don't want to be near him. Once my feelings have reached a certain level, every girl he talks to, looks at or even mentions gets me in a tizzy. I instantly become irritated and go silent on him and he ends up noticing that "something" is bothering me. I don't tell him what it is though. I've been in a LDR for about 7 weeks now and we have admitted to having feelings for each other. We acknowledge that we're off the market as we've planned to actually meet in person and see what happens from there. These past few weeks have been great and I've not had any bad vibes from him, until now. We text and call numerous times throughout the day. I've trusted him for the most part, he hasn't done ANYTHING to make me doubt him, nothing at all, but I'm starting to not trust him and look for "signs" that he isn't being honest. I'm also getting that jealousy inside me, which is causing me to look for signs, and over really stupid reasons. Here's one: we're friends on xbox and we have this thing where we play this game together EVERY night, he calls it our "date night". He sets aside a couple of hours for me specifically so we can play and chat to one another. We stop when he's ready for bed, he signs off xbox, gets comfortable in bed and we text each other until he's ready to fall asleep. We've done this every night, except for 2, for the past 7 weeks. There's this girl he added about 4 days ago and he's been playing with her A LOT, more than any of his other friends. When I get on, he stops and comes running right over to me, though. He added her AND one of her male friends, who apparently, according to him is her boyfriend. He has tried to get me to add her as I'm always looking for other female gamers but I won't because just thinking about how much he's playing with her irritates me. If I'm on to play the game, he's right by my side, if I'm not then he's playing with her. I noticed today that as soon as she jumped on to play (the same game we play, might I add) he stopped doing what he was so he could play with her. While he was playing with her, he sent me a text asking me what I was up to and how he missed me. I try to take that as a positive that no matter who he talks to he's thinking of me but can't do it. Then when I decided to start playing the game, he was instantly sending me an invite to come join him. This whole thing makes me jealous, to the point of just calling it quits with this guy and staying single for the rest of my life. Before I met him I was in a horrible real life relationship for many years with someone who was manipulative and could NOT be trusted. They would lie to me on purpose and send me mixed signals just to get me confused and upset because they found it funny and got pleasure out of my misery. Since then, my trust in men has completely vanished. I'm damaged from that relationship. I'm just waiting for the next one to mess me up. Jealousy is ruining everything I even start to have with a man. I really don't know what to do. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2015): OP here: Thanks for the replies. This is something I've dealt with in every relationship all of my life. So, I've been trying to give it time and just let everything fizzle out instead of lashing out and making my jealousy make things worse. However, he tells me things, honest things, that piss me off. He told me earlier that he was playing with the "girl" the other night and someone called her a "dick sucking bitch" and that she laughed and was like "well, that pretty much sums me up. I've sucked a dick and I can be a bitch". He told me this and then went on to tell me how it made him think of me because men have also cursed me out during a game play as well. It instantly pissed me off. He appears to be an honest guy but stuff like that pisses me off. He told me how her and her bf live together and where they're from and they have a child. I play with men too, but if he thought I was playing one on one with a man who was saying something similar, whether directed to me or not, he probably wouldn't like it either. He actually didn't want me to add a guy to my friends list who made a comment about my "cunt" during a game. He said he just didn't think that was the kind of man I needed on my list, so I happily obliged. I just feel consumed by jealousy in almost everything that happens. :'(
A
male
reader, shaneblastedskyhigh +, writes (7 June 2015):
 hey,do you think only you get jealous over these silly things..??well...im jealous of these silly things too. jealousy is not only between romantic relationships , it happens with other ones you love too like family and friends. me and my best friend play this game every four days in a week. it requires teamwork an practice so me and him are good at this. we move like the military ,one goes forward and takes position,then other goes forward while one covers. whenever i signal him, he takes position and i go forward and he snipe and cover me. sometimes ,when there are noobs in our team, i have to tell him to cover them. even though i tell him to cover them,i feel jealous that he enjoys with other gamers too. this happens every time and i have also talked about this with him . he just say thst 'Its just a game' and ‘i always got your back bro.' ...well that helps...a little..but helps... i actually realize that it's just a game but still feel jealous and it never goes away. jealousy is in human nature and Its totally normal . the peaple your boyfriend plays with or in particular ‘that gamer chick' might be good players as it is always fun to play with a winning team. but whenever you walk in the ‘gaming room', he always makes sure to keep a place for you by his side and enjoys playing with you(as i see it). we guys should forget about jealousy and focus on the fun we're having. focus on teamwork ,masteting new skills and enjoying.in the real world...there's this girl in my class .i love her and feel like she loves me too( i didn't tell her about this). whenever i got late to the class because of something or the other, some other guys goes and sits next to her . i feel jealous but because we're not a couple...i think talking about this with her will be awkward and wont be helping,so...i concentrate on the class and hang out with her later. chat with her on fb the whole night and eventually i forget about this. this way i can concentrate my class and channel the jealously feeling into something useful. A little burning feeling is always there but we gotta accept it and live with it till it naturally goes away. btw...im in same boat as you are in....so...i donno if this is helping or not....good luck:)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): You feel a bit insecure and your jealousy comes from a sense of possessiveness. Perhaps you feel a tad unworthy of love, and you sabotage your relationships with the silence or moodiness; so you won't have to face the possibility of losing someone you care for to someone else.
You'll never meet a man who will not notice or be noticed by other women. That is a reality you have to deal with.
You'll continuously ruin your relationships until you're a bitter and lonely old lady. You have to discipline yourself to fight the feelings of jealousy as they rise within you. Self-control is going out of style, and people just let anxiety and fear overtake their lives like a virulent disease. Everyone feels jealousy, it's just a matter of learning to control it.
I have a very muscular and attractive boyfriend. We both workout and keep pretty fit. So we both attract attention when we're out together. He has a lot of tattoos on his arms; so people sometimes stop him to look at them, but they also use that as an opportunity to touch and squeeze his muscles. It bothers me, but now I've gotten used to it. He gets a little perturbed that often hot male servers tend to look at me, and seem more attentive to my needs than his in restaurants. He mentioned it, and said it makes him feel invisible. We are mature-men, and know better than to harbor these petty jealousies for each other. Buy acknowledging to each other and to ourselves, we now pretty much laugh them off (we still feel the stirrings); but we handle them better. It's natural to feel jealous; but unnatural to feel jealousy too intensely, or to overreact.
You're not a child, you're a mature lady. Behave accordingly.
Open-up and tell him it makes you feel a little jealous that he shares what you feel is special between you and him with another female. You don't mind the gaming, but you'd feel better if there were things that stayed exclusively between him and you. I think he'd be understanding and work with you on that. You'll feel better that you got it out in the open, and you'll see by his actions that you can trust him. You already know by his actions he does; but you need to connect with him about your feelings, and that will make it all the more easier for you.
Good luck!
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