| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: OK first of all please don't judge me on this but I got with my boyfriend while he was still married, he is now separated from his wife and with me. I guess he had fell out of love by the time he met me. There is 20 years difference between us and I have a toddler and he has 12 year old daughter who lives with his ex wife.The problem I have now is he doesn't let me breathe. Checks my phone and FB every single day. I have already quit my job as he had issues with men in my office. So I'm honestly at home all day with my toddler now. While he still goes to work. I haven't had one night out with my friends since moving in with him 1 year, my family are rocky with me for getting with a married man. I called my sister and told her how isolated I felt and she said, well this is my karma. I wanted him, I got him. I honestly feel like packing a bag and running for air. Now I don't have a job of my own that's not even any option. All I have had is judgement so please I need advice on how to handle this.
View related questions:
ex-wife, his ex, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 If you are going to stay with him, at LEAST consider getting a job?
Don't let him TOTALLY isolate you and DON'T let him make you dependent (financially) on him 100%, because who knows WHEN you will be replaced by a younger model and you NEED to be able to take care of yourself and your child.
And yes, it's ridiculous how society blame the "mistress" the "homewrecker" more than the married man when it comes to affairs. But 21 or not, you DO need to own your own responsibility and culpability as well. Own it and live with it.
It feels like you think that "you made your bed so now you have to lie in it" - you don't. YOU do not OWE him (or anyone else) to stay with him if it makes you miserable.
IT IS your life. YOU get to choose how to live it.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 I hope the therapist will help you see that you're being abused and that your poor child is being dragged through it too.
If you won't leave for you, leave for your child's sake. If this was them, would you want them to stay?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2016):
 OP... he will NEVER trust you...no matter what you to do "prove" to him you are trustworthy.
You will always be guilty of something with him...it's one of the ways he controls you.
have you asked your parents if you left him if you could come home? that would be step one.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): Hi, I posted this question.
I live in Scotland (UK)
I understand that our relationship didn't start on the best note. I was 21 when I met him and he was in his mid 40s. I guess I was flattered that and older mature man would even be interested and I fell for him.
I do love him and I do get judged for being with him. However he doesn't.
I wish there was a way I could show him he can trust me and I'd never hurt him but I know that's impossible.
Thank you for taking time to advise me, I'm not ready to go that far.
I have made a appointment with my GP to discuss this and see if a therapist is a option. I know I'm weak and have a lot of issues to work through to show him he can trust me,
Confused......
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): He doesn't trust you. And he is afraid you are going to cheat on him with another man. After all, you cheated with him. So, he knows you have no boundaries and are self serving.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2016):
You need to get out. You are being abused.
Keeping you isolated and without funds is his way of controlling you.
He is a cheater (he cheated on his wife) and a liar probably so he knows how it's done and doesn't want it done to him.
This has nothing to do with his being a married man when you met him but more that he's an abuser.
You are home alone all day...call a woman's shelter and GET OUT while you can. I don't want to read about you and your child being killed by a man who was too controlling.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 July 2016):
I'm not judging you when I say this, but his severe jealousy (and now isolation, which is abusive) is foreseeable in lots of affair cases because you can't trust a woman/man who tried or succeeded in "stealing" another person's partner and you can't trust a partner who has had an affair. While you did not ask for this, this was a high chance when you get involved and you should use it as a warning story for your (and your family/friends/child) future relationships.I agree with the others that you need to get out of there with a Women's Aid group. A job *should* be an option. Having friends *should* be an option. Being isolated should *never* be a choice made for you.You must be able to see he is controlling and abusing you because he doesn't trust you after what you both did? He's obviously more to blame, especially after this, but you now need to see that you didn't "win" anything when he left his wife (or maybe she left him!) for you. It's unhealthy and even dangerous for you and your child to be in this situation. Ask your family for help because you need to accept that you did something very wrong and will get judged for a while - you accepted that when you did it, now you have to swallow your sensitivity to it, in order to get yourself and your child out of the harmful situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 July 2016):
 The smartest thing that you can do is to take your child and get away from this man. He isn't offering you love, its him being in CONTROL of you and our life. That's not love and it can very quickly turn very ugly. Men like that want to have control over everything that their partner does, from how they dress, wear makeup, to what they say, where they go, what friends they have..the list goes on and on. Its scary and can be dangerous. Get out hon...swallow your pride and realize you made a mistake. We all make mistakes.
I'm hoping that you have a family member that will be less judgemental and more sympathetic than your sister? A friend? If not, please take the advice of Tisha1 and go to an agency that can help you. Please don't stay with this man. He's already told you to quit your job and it will just continue to get worse. LEAVE...the sooner the better!! I wish you all the best, please get away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2016):
I agree with Tisha.
If you can't get yourself out, seek help from a woman's shelter.
In your shoes? I'd swallow my pride and ask family for help, and as soon as you found a place to live (even temporarily), you pack and move out, block him, and find a job/day care ASAP.
I suggest you also change ALL your passwords.
You need to get away from this man, he is purposely isolating you to keep control over you and I think is a twisted way he is punishing YOU for HIS own betrayal of his wife/family.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 July 2016):
 I'll provide links as a start. Please contact the organization in your country; if that country isn't on the list then let us know which country you are in!
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
http://www.scottishwomensaid.org.uk
http://www.welshwomensaid.org
https://www.womensaid.ie
http://www.womensaidni.org
http://www.thehotline.org
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (5 July 2016):
 The circumstances of how this relationship came about, and I can only put it this way to avoid being harsh to a degree, are, shall we say, far from ideal and maybe there is a lesson for you therein which you need to ponder, for example, his marriage may have collapsed because he had lost control of her and therefore was looking for the next person to control and you wandered along. Your sister may well have a point [though I would never call it karma] but this is something you may have to deal with further down the road. In some senses you have made his job of establishing control over you easier because of your families disapproval has automatically isolated them without him having to do alot.Having said that, this isnt a relationship its a prison and can hardly be providing an ideal enviorment for the children to grow up in. Its something that has to change and that would be to end the relationship in my eyes - its a relationship that should never have been in the first place so in ending you are not losing something that was ever meant to be. As this relationship goes on the control is just going to get tighter and you are going to get more and more miserable. He isnt going to change. So, pack your bags and go is my advice, I know that is easier said than done but its the only way to end this. Go, pick up the pieces, focus on your child and learn from this experience while you lick your wounds. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 July 2016):
What country are you in? So at the very least we can guide you toward the women's' aid organizations that help women who are being isolated, controlled and abused. Because that is what is happening here. If you are feeling this scared, isolated and unable to free yourself and your child, you need help from an outside agency.
So which country are you located in?
...............................
|
